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Author Topic: I faced my fear...and yet I'm still nervous!!!  (Read 136 times)

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Offline nikol373

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I faced my fear...and yet I'm still nervous!!!
« on: June 17, 2014, 07:59:39 PM »
So I had what I thought were petechiae cropping up on my ankles and calves after hot shower / shaving. They always blanched when I stuck my nail on them, and faded in a few hours...so I don't really know. Anyways - I freaked out. Lost my sh*t, yet again, thinking I had leukemia. Then came the skin checks, node checks, temp checks, and eventually....rock bottom. So I went to urgent care since my PCP couldn't take me for row weeks (the know I have HA - bet it would have been sooner if they didn't. ) and I balled my eyes out to the doctor about my leukemia fears, how I got over them for two years and now it's back, blah blah blah.  Best doctor ever ordered an expedited CBC to calm my mind and get me through this so I can start up my therapy again and go into HA "remission" hopefully permanently. Well, he told me I was in great shape, everything felt fine physically, maybe I should have a milkshake when my anxiety is crazy just so I get my calories in....(major HA weight loss effects here - not a good thing at this point. I kinda miss my booty  :laugh3: ) he called me around 9:00pm last night and said " your blood work all came back without any evidence of leukemia or malignancy - just wanted to make sure I let you know, and have a good night"

Phewwwww - relief. For about ten minutes.

Does that mean everything was normal? He obviously would have told me if something was awry, by law, right? I feel fine, the dots have been associated with heat and shaving and might not even be petechiae, and I start my therapy tomorrow night. Basically - I just need some help with moving on from here. I've done it before, I can do it again. I'm taking small steps and reading HA self help books. No more flashlight checks on the legs, and keeping up with my exercise and good eating. Now I guess this is just accepting the diagnosis and not trying to read too deep into the doctors words. I wish he threw an "all things look normal / good " in there, but I seem to think it was implied. I know one time I had an elevated WBC (like, 13) and I had to re-test, so I think it would have been mentioned.


Ramble ramble - thanks for reading!
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"Fight fires in your best clothes,
Touch skin with your eyes closed,
Chase thunder...
With the volume down
Pack a suitcase, wander to the next town..."

Offline loveya14

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Re: I faced my fear...and yet I'm still nervous!!!
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2014, 11:01:28 PM »
Yes I think your in the clear :) He new he had good news to share that's why he made the call !our nerves don't just shut off like a light switch they need time to dull out . Just try and keep busy and before you know it you will think " I can't believe I was so freaked out "
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Online mollyfin

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Re: I faced my fear...and yet I'm still nervous!!!
« Reply #2 on: June 18, 2014, 01:33:09 AM »
What an awesome doctor!  I know the feelings of second guessing way too well, but seriously, you got an all-clear.  Time to work on your anxiety while you KNOW you're healthy!
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Offline nikol373

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Re: I faced my fear...and yet I'm still nervous!!!
« Reply #3 on: June 18, 2014, 05:17:15 AM »
Thanks both of you!!! I asked him if he wanted me to stay and wait or if he could just call ( I had already been there three hours  :sick0002: haha) so he said he'd call me by 10:00pm. 8:45 I figured I had time to shower and had a voicemail when I got out. But yeah - I'm reading all the HA modules and literature again to bring myself back down to earth after all of this. Start therapy tonight!
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"Fight fires in your best clothes,
Touch skin with your eyes closed,
Chase thunder...
With the volume down
Pack a suitcase, wander to the next town..."

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