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Author Topic: looking for a path in the right direction  (Read 157 times)

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Offline zav4999

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looking for a path in the right direction
« on: June 17, 2014, 04:12:56 PM »
I've posted on here quite a bit lately about my recent dark period of anxiety and depression. Went through this in 09 same type of process: not working, bad anxiety attack hits, anxiety turns into depression that lasts for months, feeling lost in where to go with mylife, no car an still at my parents house. The first time I wasn't so familiar w anxiety an depression but I eventually found steady work an got out of the depression. I dealt with the typical anxiety but I managed it an felt I was ok enough w my life. So when I got laid off in december after three years at my job, I did have that worry that I could possibly run into this experience again but aftr 3 months I was ok. Then april came, anxiety attack hit me out the blue, depression came like the first time an it was real bad for months. Was scarrier this time around because I knew what was happening and I knew what was ahead of me so I seeked help. Even though I'm at the beginning of the process for help I'm trying to stay hopeful. Depression has eased away it seems an its the anxiety I'm trying to control. But along w that I'm in the same position as the first time: not working even though I had been getting a lot of hours as a temp this week I hvnt been needed. Trying to find a permanent job which seems really hard, still dnt hve a car(which seems pathetic at 26)., still at home, even worse is my parents are struggling financially prty bad, one of the cars is broke down so 4 people are sharing one truck. I hate to see them so stressed out and I've come out of my savings many times an gave them money along w the rent I pay so they can not be so worried but at the same time I nver get to try an save up an get myself somethng. I paid for my moms dogs vet bills an after spnding thousands on vet bills an still the dogs dnt make it I come out my pocket an pay for there creamations so my mom can have them w her lol. Just going through this type of anxiety an depression disorders really has made me more of a sensitive guy. I dnt like to see my fam or friends struggling because I've struggld so many years I kno how it is. Sry for the rambling but I'm jst at a crossroads in my life. I'm nt gettn any younger and its tough trying to balance getting my anxiety helpd with, trying to find a job , car, helping my fam w the money I hve left. Just feel lost. Hardest an weirdest period of my 26 years.
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Offline Nala1991

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Re: looking for a path in the right direction
« Reply #1 on: June 17, 2014, 07:19:08 PM »
I feel the same way you do. I was doin really well on meds for a while to the point that I came off of them. Then I just recently went through a majorly stressfull life change and its all back full force. I really dont know what to do anymore. I am going to start talking to a therapist and probably will have to go back on meds again. I really dont want to but I dont see any other way really. My symptoms are so up and down everyday and its driving me crazy. It just seems like everything in my life right now is just a huge stressor.
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Offline kconnors

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Re: looking for a path in the right direction
« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2014, 08:13:48 PM »
Hi zav4999,

First, it is great that you are comfortable in coming and posting a lot here in the past. We may not be able to give you concrete solutions, but you will find that we will be supportive of you.

It is not unusual to move from depression to anxiety. I have had it happen to me. Now, I am not a med professional so this is just from me. When I come out of a depression episode, I feel quite good and wanting to get on with life but I get anxious because I start anticipating the future rather than living each day. So, I swing into anxiety. Now, you are going through several life experiences all at the same time and this can be overwhelming and add to the anxiety.

At 26, I can well understand that for all the reasons you listed, you are anxious about getting on with your life and this is not an unusual goal. Couple to that you identify with what you haven't got . . . no car, no permanent position, living with your parents. At the same time, I sense, and I could be wrong, that you might feel that you might be adding to your parents' financial condition. So, can you turn this around and see what you do have? From what I can tell, you are supporting to support your parents in terms meaning to them in the best way you can but it is discouraging when the choice is between giving your Mom something (cremation of the dogs) at the expense of your own needs. In other words, you are doing the best you can for everyone, but sometimes it does not seem enough or it does not seem appropriate because of the financial impact on you. I can see a bit of guilt going on here and, again, I might be wrong but if it is guilt, then you need to take steps to recognize that you have nothing to be guilty about. And, just maybe, you might be a bit better from an anxiety perspective if, when it is financially possible, that you go out on your own . . . you can still help your parents when you can, but you will be better able to control your finances if you do not feel guilty about living at home even if you are paying rent . . .

You have been getting a lot of hours as a temp even though things have slowed down, but those hours as a temp are experience that you would not otherwise have. Yes, being without a permanent position (I've been there several times) is scary and anxiety provoking because you don't know what the future might hold. I am assuming that you are applying at different locations, making your resume reflect your increasing skill sets, and selling yourself as a unique and desirable employee and that is a big accomplishment. I won't lie to you . . . finding a permanent position especially one with benefits is challenging in today's job market . . . but, you have experience and I sense you have a purpose and together with a bit of luck, you will succeed.

You also appear to have a very good grasp on recovery as a journey and not an event. It is difficult to stay hopeful because you know that the journey has speedbumps. But, you are not at the beginning of the process because you have knowledge of what the process is; you are at a new phase of the process but you have something that folks just experiencing anxiety for the first time do not have --- you have insights not only into the process and the journey, but you understand how you experience it. So, indeed, yes, stay hopeful because it is one day at a time and I think that despite the job / financial set back and your obvious desire to improve yourself so you can help your family, you have come forward on your journey. 

As difficult as it is right now, focus on the positives that you have . . . no, don't ignore the challenges that you need to meet, but, at the same time don't sell yourself short . . . . and, please, come here as often as you wish and if it is even just to say hi, that is great but, if you feel comfortable with doing so, let us know how you are doing and if we can help, know that we will do our best . . .take care, kc
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Offline zav4999

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Re: looking for a path in the right direction
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2014, 10:28:12 PM »
Thanks for the replys you two. Yea nala its pretty difficult hving anxiety going so up an down . Its like I never know what to expect as I go through the day. Like today its been decent but right now I feel a lil anxiety . Its frustrating because you jst want to feel ok the entire day. Kconnors thank you for the nice reply . Was real nice to read it. I have a twin brother who lives at home too and were the exact same besides the fact that he has noo anxiety/ depression at all. He's temping w me too and unlike me he doesn't help out financially w my parents much. I do feel kind of guilty and a little embarrassed that both of us  are nin the same position at our age. And I'm trying my hardest to just grow up and change this position I'm at in life. I was ok with just getting by and figured someday I would take action and get myself past these issues. Then all this happend in april and it really made me look at where I'm at in my life and it was bad. I was real diwn on myself for weeks. But I've been losing weight, trying to eat better an wrkout an try to get back to the energetic athlete I use to be. An seeking help outside of jst taking medication I finally did and I'm hoping I can somehow get my life to where I'm happy and looking forward to it instead of jst going w the motions year aftr year
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Offline kconnors

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Re: looking for a path in the right direction
« Reply #4 on: June 18, 2014, 05:11:29 PM »
Just taking the steps that you described in your posting are huge steps . . . I know they seem small and have no real immediate or apparent gain, but building on little steps will help you achieve what you want . . . you need to "divorce" yourself from your twin brother . . . you are who you are and he is who he is . . . I do know the lit on twins but you do have a mind of your own to create your reality the way you want it . . .it will take time and effort and there will be speed bumps but as you get past them they will disappear in your rear view mirror . . . so, keep going after the small goals, keep adding to them, and please, by all means, keep returning here . . . I do sense frustration but I also sense a strength of character that you are beginning to develop and, in helping yourself, you will be much better positioned, financially, emotionally, and psychologically, to build the life you want . . .check in when you can . . take care, kc
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Offline Nala1991

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Re: looking for a path in the right direction
« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2014, 07:29:17 PM »
Hi Zav i just wanted to tell you the way you feel is completely normal. I will tell you about my current situation. I am rather a private person.I am a very strong,independent, opinionated, love to go out and party,mentally sharp,outspoken 29 woman. At least thats how I used to be. About 3 years ago I suffered my first panic/anxiety attack. It was so scary I had no clue what was happening to me. It lasted a couple hours. It happened in my bfs car on the way home one night. For about 3-4 months following that I was a mess literally. I had no clue what was happening to me. I literally couldnt function. I went on cymbalta  and it made everything go away. Me and my bf moved into our own place and things werent working out so I moved into my own apt on a horse farm where my supposed best friend managed and ran the place and gave me a job there to work off my rent. Last june me and my bf broke up and there was a guy I really liked and we started hanging out and partying all the time together and I had my own life. Then i reunited with another girl that was my supposed best friend as well and we started hanging out all the time gettin drunk all the time and just having a good time all the time. So to fill you in it was me,the 2 girls, the one girls bf and the boy I liked hanging out all the time. Then I thought I was ok to go off my meds around November so I did. Then I thought it would be a good idea to have the one friend move in with me. Well right after she moved in the manager friend fired me from the barn job and the other girl that moved in with me took over to still work off rent. Now mind you these apts were upstairs right next door to each other so we were all always together. Then I got an eviction notice from the owner of the farm I had to move out by June. In the meantime my roomate was texting the boy i liked behid my back and constantly lying to me and her and my other friend were being manipulating behind my back and just being dirty bitches. I have other words but they wont be appropriate. Lol. Then I made the mistake telling the boy I liked him and had a meltdown pretty much bc him and my roomate were texting behind my back. Me and him didnt really talk all that much after that. I had o deal with him being next door at the other apt with both my supposed friends and it was all just a bunch of bs. I started having the anxiety again but was somewhat able to curb it. In the meantime him and my roomate were texting and hanging out behid my back and she was constantly lying to me and I knew it. I decided to move out before June and oh yeah she kept the apt!! It was MY apt and she kept it. I helped her out so much you have no idea. The moving out process was extremely stressful. I ended up having to move back into my moms. We have to share a bedroom. My cat got pregnant here and my car is not running at the moment. About a month ago my diabetic brother had 2 seizures and was in the hospital on 2 seperate occasions. And last friday my little sister got into an accident and totaled my moms car. So as of tuesday,we have no more rental car. We work together and she got a new job starting July and my car is not working atm. I have pani attacks when I drive again. My anxiety is back extremely severe along with depression. I have anxiety all day long now and am extremely depressed. It starts from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to bed. I have a couple breakd during the day but not much relief. So, you are not alone with problems in your life at all. I am going to start seeing a therapist bc I can feel it consuming my life again. Different symptoms every day, thinking its something else wrong with me. Just wanted to share my story. Its pretty bad lol.
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