Hi, lately i've been experiencing really bad bouts of harm OCD and am terrified of the future.
I was spending time at the movies with my girlfriend and i had a spike occur in the theater for some reason. (We were watching a kids movie, but it had happened anyway.)
We went back to my house and we were talking to each other about random things, and marriage got brought up. I wasn't particularly fond of the subject, mostly because we're young, but she just wanted to talk about it for comfort. After marriage was brought up, i had a sudden spike of thinking about a divorce after we got married and what would happen if we got divorced. Naturally my harm OCD ridden mind (At least i hope its Harm OCD) started thinking up grotesque images of me killing her/going insane after our "divorce". I became extremely worried but didn't want to say anything.
Then, i suddenly had magical thinking kick it. I have a "fear" of the dark (Being in the dark "represents Evil/Death" to me, thanks to my OCD) it doesn't happen all the time, but when i'm spiked it's particularly bad.
we were walking downstairs and the lights were off, so out of fear (I suppose it was a compulsion?) i turn the light on ASAP. Then my magical thinking kicked in. She was getting picked up by her friends and my mind
had thought that this was a prediction of the future of our relationship. (Her leaving, getting picked up by her friend, etc.) After she left i went upstairs to take my medicine and my magical thinking kicked in again with
"These pills symbolize me committing ***** in the future/Getting high throwing away my life after our divorce". (I took the pills anyway after shaking my head at the idea, because clearly i wasn't going to let stupid thoughts
convince me that something like that was going to happen.)
Anyway, after all this has happened tonight i feel really scared. I took a slight sedative (Passion flower and Valerian) and am kinda drowsy now, but the events that occurred tonight really unsettled me more than any previous ocd experience has.
Im constantly on edge thinking im hearing sounds or that im developing schiz. Its becoming really overwhelming. I dont know how to lessen symptoms anymore and im getting really tired of dealing with this all...
Any advice for someone who doesn't want to take medication? Im convinced i can handle this without it... i just dont know where to really start other than "Just let the thoughts run wild and torture you." They've already been doing this for a longggggggg time.
The best way i can describe my OCD is that it makes me go through my life viewing certain events or things as if they are symbols in a book, or a representation of the future in some way. (It really makes me worried im actually going to start believing this, and fall into a psychosis. I really don't want this to happen, and would like to prevent it in anyway possible.)