I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I feel so trapped. I'm scared all the time and nothing really changes. I feel so depressed, like nothing matters. I'm always either angry, terrified, so down I just feel like laying on the floor and doing nothing, or almost barely happy and on the edge of one of those three things and it's all going to tumble down any second. It does fall into chaos quite often too.
I've been in a panic tonight because I feel so stuck and having nothing to fix it and nowhere to turn. Nothing helps.
In the past, at least I could think my way out of being afraid some times. "My teeth hurt. What if I've got a cavity?" "Cavities don't hurt once and then go away. I'm alright."
I'm so terrified of what goes on in the world. I know I've basically said the same thing in another post, but I don't know what else to do but come here for help.
I feel like the world is such a terrible place. How can I be happy knowing so many people have suffered, do suffer even as I'm typing this, and will suffer in the future? How can I feel safe if there is no safety? I feel like if I'm all happy and cheery in my own little world while other people are in North Korean prison camps and things that I'm basically slamming the door on them. I'm not trying to be all righteous, but I just can't snuggle up in my warm bed at night and feel at peace knowing that somewhere people are starving to death and being tortured, or that while I might be fine, somewhere out there someone's husband just got killed, or someone just got diagnosed with a terminal disease. If I did feel happy and safe I'd feel like I was denying the nature of their existences or something; as if to say, "No, no, you're lives are actually just as decent as mine," or, "Your situations aren't real," or, "You've got it all wrong, you guys ARE happy and safe just like me." As well as being absolutely TERRIFIED of my world becoming anything like those who suffer. It's not like I think tomorrow, somehow, Nazi's are going to reappear and I'm going to somehow get put in a concentration camp with my boyfriend, or something. But people suffer to such a sickening degree... there is no reason I should be safe from suffering either. And if I go feeling safe and happy and content... I feel like I'm lying to myself about the reality of our existence and what WILL inevitably happen to me in one way or another. I feel like if I pretend I'm safe, when I eventually am not it's going to hit me 100,000 times worse than if I was expecting it. I don't have any idea if that's true; it's a feeling more than a belief I think.
I know it's not possible to stand with every single person who is unhappy and not leave them alone in their suffering. I'm only one person, but it is just sickening to think of all the people out there who aren't okay, who aren't safe, who are hurting... and then spend my day with a smile on my face. The best way I can think to describe it is this: If my boyfriend was scared or worried about something, and I tried to help him -- looked things up on the internet, talked with him about it, tried to reason things out, comfort him, reassure him it was okay, stay up late with him so he's not alone -- but I went to sleep feeling content... I'd have shut the door in his face. Locked his world out because I was too afraid to step into it with him. Only viewed his reality through a window from a safe distance, and ignored it as if it was a story and not a world just as real as my own. Even though I tried to help him, I would only be dropping aid from a safe place and refusing to get my hands dirty and hurt with him. Furthermore, I would be denying the possibility of my world becoming like his: scary, painful, lonely, etc. (My boyfriend is fine in reality by the way; this is just an example to help me explain.)
I don't feel safe. I'm so terrified of this world and all the things that can and will happen to me and the people I love. All the terrible things happening to people I don't know as well make me sick. I feel so trapped because I can't figure out how to function while thinking this way.
I feel like I should mention my issues with the existence and goodness of a god, but... I don't know how much that has to do with it. If there is a god then he is pretty much useless in regards to safety in this life. I want there to be a god because I don't want to blink out when I die, and I don't want that to happen to my boyfriend or anyone else. I'm not trying to make this into a "this is why there isn't a god" argument, but things like this have always terrified me and God has always been part of it. "Will he help me?" "Can I ask him to keep me safe, and will he do it?" Things like that. If he is all powerful then he is basically the one hurting us because he lets it happen, or, if he isn't all powerful, there is no reason to hope in him keeping us safe either because he obviously can't. Please... don't start fighting about religion and atheism or anything... That isn't what I'm trying to do. I just want help and this is part of my problem. And again, like I said in my other post that is sort of about this stuff, I don't belong to any religion and I see no reason for, say, the Bible, to be infallible or something. If there is someone like God and he is good then religion, to me, seem's like a guess at what he (or whatever it is that is bigger than us and good) is like; some guesses seem better than others but they are all just guesses. I really don't want to cause problems here; I know religion (or lack there of) is one of those things people get riled up over. I'm just trying to explain not make stabs at anyone's culture and faith.
I feel like I'm rambling.
I'm so scared. I hope some of that makes sense; I'm really tired and I don't know if it does.
I'm terrified of what this is going to do to me. I haven't been able to get better, and I don't know how long this is going to have to keep going on. I feel so empty, and I feel like everything is pointless. I want to get better for my boyfriend and me. What if it gets worse? What if it stays the same and doesn't go away? What's going to happen to me? I feel like I'm going insane; like I'm falling and I'm never going to land.
Thank you, and best of luck with your own troubles,