Trigger warning ahead!
Since my initial panic attacks back in March my HA has gradually subsided and this Tuesday my therapist told me I'm doing so well that I don't need further counceling. Yesterday However I was reached by tragic news that a friend of some of my friends recently died of some horrible cancer, only months after dx. This guy was only two years older than me and it seems that he suffered from gall bladder cancer, which is both a rare form of cancer that primarily hits the elderly.
I have been feeling bad about this ever since and naturally it has added fuel to my dormant HA, particularly my fear of pancreatic C. Up until now I have successfully reassured myself by looking at statistics (the risk of developing any lethal cancer at my age is remote according to all sources), but this recent case has got me thinking "If he got it, why not me?". To make matters worse, I have started to experience abdominal and back discomfort again, a sort of recurring, dull pressure in the epigastric area which I fear is where the pancreas is situated.
Now I feel depressed and also duped by doctors and medical literature which repeatedly states that cancer is supposed to be a disease of the elderly. My friends' friend was young and looked fit and healthy, and now he's suddenly gone. And I keep hearing of people dying of the disease, a lot of them in the prime of their lives. As far as I'm concerned, cancer is just like the Black Death of the Middle Ages - striking out of the blue and harvesting victims regardless of age while medical science can do little or nothing to offer any help. I feel doomed and even if it will turn out that I'm perectly healthy now, the "big C" will eventually get me somehow, some day