No, I'm not saying I am suicidal. But I am so sick of feeling weird, or anxious, or disconnected, and scared.
I can recall how I used to be, when my life made more sense. And it really makes me sad. I just can't seem to get there.
I feel imprisoned by this anxiety and the depression follows because my life has basically become to a full stop with it all.
I don't feel like I am moving forward, or backward...just stuck.
I don't know if things will ever get better. I want to have hope that they will. And the hope still comes in flashes here and there.
But for the most part, how things are right now, it feels like work to get through each day.
I just want normality back, or my own version of that. Where I felt like myself, and things made sense to me, and not seeing everything as frightening.
I know people tell me to hang on, it'll get better...but it feels like it has lasted quite a while now. Too long.
I am going to go back on medication. And I've done well on medication in the past, apart from one problem. I feel good for about six months and then have to increase the dose, with the med not working as well, or have to begin all over again and see if another med will be as good for me.
I've seen several therapists over the course of the years with this issue...and although they do give me good advice (for the most part)..it just feels like same as the medication..that things stop working after a while.
I will go back down both of these roads again...but I am seriously wondering if things will ever be okay again. It's a scary thought, and at times a hopeful thought...thought right now...feels more scary than anything else.