Hey guys, i've been suffering with ocd for the last 6 months and it is usually an on and off thing, with some episodes lasting a few minutes or lasting up to an hour, fluctuating differently between days.
I went on vacation with my girlfriend and her friends for her graduation party / After prom. I had a little to drink, i wasn't drunk to the point where i puked or to the point where i wasn't coherent, though i did obviously have trouble paying attention while slightly inebriated.
At one point as i was trying to go sleep i was still slightly intoxicated, i had fearful thoughts that i would kill my girlfriend or hurt her in her sleep. I was scared i'd become one of those crazy drunk people and try to blame it on the intoxication. Eventually i was able to calm down after 10-15 minutes and go to sleep next to her obviously, but it made me feel like i was a terrible person. I felt like crying, thinking to myself "I dont want to be like that... I dont want that to happen..."
I had to come home the next day due to work and for the most part i have been fine, but over the last hour and a half i've felt kinda spaced out, not too much to the point where i cant understand whats going on, just slightly dizzy. Ever sense i have developed my OCD i've had slight issues reading things and sometimes putting words out of context, though usually minor. (Kind of makes me sound like im foreign, and i usually correct myself immediately afterwards.) They're extremely minor grammatical errors and you can still understand what im trying to say, but it bothers me (I feel like this might be a symptom of schizophrenia, although i am 99% sure i do not have it or i will not develop it.)
Today has been really stressful as i constantly think that my schizophrenic break is right around the corner, that im going to hear voices or something really creepy will happen that will make me think im hallucinating. My mind even tells me "If you see x happen, you're schizophrenic" (For example, i had a stuffed animal lying down, and in my head i thought "If it moves and looks at you, you're developing schizophrenia" I still preformed the compulsion and checked even though i knew it wasn't likely that something like that would happen, but i fear that because i have such thoughts that i am becoming delusional.)
Is this all just an after effect of me drinking, or is it something worse? I was officially diagnosed with Pure-O when i went to my first psychiatrist, but until i re-register for college i cannot continue to see her. I've been without one for roughly a month now and it's felt at time like a battle, but usually i don't have these distressing thoughts to make me feel worse about myself.
The only link of mental illness in my family is my half sister (Moms side) Who is bi-polar. She had done a lot of drugs like ecstasy multiple times in her life, from multiple years of going to clubs and having an excess of money. (I had a bad trip one time on a hallucinogen after experimenting with them for maybe a month, after that experience i realized i was putting my mental health in danger and completely dropped all substances i was on at the time, mostly being marijuana.)
I have support from my friends, and i do try to go out, although my friends are still stuck doing drugs a lot of the time (Not consistently, probably 1-2 times a week, but it still makes it unappealing to hang out with them) and my girlfriend had given me a second chance after dropping all previous things i have done.
Part of me feels like my experimenting with these drugs caused me to spiral down into what i fear to be a potential development of schizophrenia, although most days i do feel relatively normal, and if i have a strange or awkward thought i can tell myself that its impossible, or i will reply to myself sarcastically "Yep, definitely bro" and move on from that thought. (I saw a lot of cemeteries the last few days, so my ocd mind assumed it was a sigh of impending death somewhere in my life, although obviously this is ridiculous, part of me believed it a little bit? Also part of the reason i feel im developing scizophrenia)
I also had a strange though along the lines of "What if someone is always going around recording your life from birth and you never knew it?"
Obviously i can detect that this thought is impossible; and it didn't give me much anxiety as i kind of just shrugged it of, but i feel like once again, sigh of schizophrenia. (Though i dont get paranoid from these thoughts, which leads me to believe that it is just OCD try to convince me i'm developing it.)
I guess the bottom line is im scared that something is going to happen to me that will completely take any sanity i have left in my life and prevent me from ever rebuilding myself to the person i want to be, that it will ruin my chances of having a family, or worse, make me hurt someone i love or potentially lose my morals/emotions.
I did the stupid thing and started researching symptoms of schiz (Yeah smart idea, right?) and i constantly fear that im falling into the "negative symptoms" (I.E. Social isolation, not moving much, etc.)
I really hate sitting in my house all day, and i often try to get out, be it for a walk or to grab a slice of pizza with my friends or to see my girlfriend. I dont really think im emotionally flat, but i am slightly quiet. When i talk i have tone changes and you can obviously tell if im happy, sad, content, or angry etc. I don't really suffer anxiety from social situations anymore and i can handle them and enjoy them pretty well for the most part as long as i'm with like minded people.
Im sorry for this super long post, i just have a lot on my mind, and my parents do not want to hear any of this and i dont really think they understand how i feel a lot.
I have never been on medication for OCD, and i refuse to take medication as one of my friends developed schizophrenia after taking medication (It appeared that he was developing it, but the medication sent it into full blown psychosis. He still isn't the same after the adverse reaction.)