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Author Topic: Overly dependent on BF .. Advice?  (Read 174 times)

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Offline LyssaLou

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Overly dependent on BF .. Advice?
« on: June 07, 2014, 07:05:25 PM »
Hi, I have bad anxiety and it effects my social life. I have one aquantainance at school but we aren't close and she doesn't even know about my anxiety, my boyfriend of over two years is my rock, he's my only true friend, best friend, and full time supporter (besides my parents). But the fact that he's my only friend has made me a little dependent on being with him. He left early this morning with friends to go to the beach. I won't see him for another week. Day one of him being gone and I had to call off work because my anxiety attacks were so bad I could hardly motivate myself to get up and shower. And obviously there isn't a super simple fix, if it was easy to just get someone to agree to be your new friend I wouldn't have this problem. I don't even necessarily need a new best friend I just need a friend, but teenagers are cruel and all already have their own friends. So I guess since making friends obviously wouldn't be a painless, easy, or quick fix, what I'm asking is how do I get myself to maybe be less distraught while he's away? The constant worry of all the bad things that could happen to him down there and knowing that he's so far away and will be for an entire week kills me. I don't wanna feel like this all week but I don't know what to do.
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Overly dependent on BF .. Advice?
« Reply #1 on: June 08, 2014, 06:24:38 AM »
You simply have to find other things to do. Things to focus on. To take your mind off of your boyfriend. He is a bit like your safety blanket. Yes. You will miss him. You will worry about him. But has he gone away before? I am sure he has and come back safe and sound too. So you should be using the fact that he might have gone away in the past and nothing bad ever happened to him. So your thoughts are irrational. There is no reason to doubt that he won't return or he will be hurt when away. Problem is you have too much time to think. It is this time you have to try and fill up. Not going into work is not helping at all. That is only giving you more time at home alone to think. Or calling off work. Work will help your mind to focus on something else. That is simply all you need. You can sit there and worry about him until he returns if you like. When he arrives home and nothing bad has happened to him you will ask yourself why you worried so much. It is only then you will see that you made yourself all anxious for no reason at all. We have to try and learn from these situations. For the next time he goes away. That it is safe to carry on with our lives. That there is no need to worry at all. That he can well look after himself.
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Offline tinam7

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Re: Overly dependent on BF .. Advice?
« Reply #2 on: June 08, 2014, 09:23:46 AM »
As I have thought about this I believe he is actually doing you a favor by causing you to realize that you must work on yourself. You want to strengthen yourself from inside out. Your self worth, self confidence and self esteem are contingent on you and on one else. Just yourself. The dependency is nature/nurture trying to undermine us. Somewhere it was conditioned in us. We must resist that and develop strength within ourself. It has taken me a lifetime to grasp this.

For me there is journaling, yoga, tai chi, and meditation. During meditation I breathe in positives and breathe out negatives. Recount all accomplishments. Dish out praise for everything we do. You'll be surprised how accomplished you are. This is an opportunity. Seize it.
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Offline KatieD0405

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Re: Overly dependent on BF .. Advice?
« Reply #3 on: July 22, 2014, 01:02:48 PM »
Lyssa,
I am a lot like you I think. I have been married for a few months but with my now husband for 4 years. He is the only person who knows anything and everything about me. He is my comfort and when we are together my level of anxiety always goes down bc I can simply be me. Sad me or mad me or anxious me. The constantly have to try and keep my self busy and constantly watch to make sure I'm not suffocating him. He cannot cure me or my disorder. I think just because he makes me feel better doesn't mean that I need him by me every second... But I feel better with him. The thing is to give him time on his own. I know it sucks because I'm the same way. It is the best way to go about it so you don't push him away. He's your best friend and you may lose him if he doesn't get a break every once in a while. So take that time to take care of yourself. Get a pedicure, spend time with family, maybe hang out at a place where people your age hang out and make a new friend. You'll be fine. Keep in touch.

Katie
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Offline litnrrd

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Re: Overly dependent on BF .. Advice?
« Reply #4 on: July 22, 2014, 02:02:27 PM »
Lyssa,

I'm actually going through something kind of similar right now. It's a scary thing to feel dependent on someone, especially if there's always the fear that they're going to leave. I know it's hard to keep your thoughts separate from your emotions, but try not to just distract yourself. Sometimes distracting yourself temporarily can make anxiety worse, because you're not addressing the actual issue.

If I were you, I'd vent about this to someone who can remind you of all the reasons your boyfriend loves you. It might make you feel more vulnerable to tell him exactly how panicky you've been feeling, but sometimes getting all of it out verbally (to a therapist, a friend, or a family member?) can help you realize that not much of what you're afraid of is legitimate.

I totally understand the feeling of loneliness too. I live in a city where I don't know a lot of people (other than my boyfriend), and when he can't hang out with me or talk to me, I often feel like I'm grasping at straws to find someone else to relate to and spend time with. Building a real friendship with another person will balance you out, though. Take baby steps.

Also, I'm practicing ignoring my negative thoughts about my boyfriend, which might be useful to you too. I feel myself starting to analyze a situation, almost like it's a thought I can't control, and I tell myself, "no, we love each other, I'm not going down that road because it's doesn't make feel good." You are not your emotions, and your fears are a passing thing.

Also, you're not alone!
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