Hello everyone, im going to just type and explain how im feeling and if this is "normal"
Ok so im 33, in a very long term relationship (15 years) and have a gorgeous 6 year old Son, and 2 lovely doggies :) all in all im a very happy person, I have my fair share of worrying but mostly im happy and I love my life :)..............until recently
In Feb of this year I went for my routine smear, I thought nothingof it and went about my life until 4 weeks later I received a letter saying I needed to go to hospital for a colposcopy as a high number of cells were showing as abnormal (severe dyskaryosis), so I went for this colposcopy and had to have treatment there and then (LLETZ), I also had a biopsy! I was told that it was likely that I had a high amount of PRE CANCEROUS cells that needed to be taken away, so I relaxed and thought "dont panic", the results would be back in 5 weeks time!
3 weeks later I get another letter saying an appointment has been made for me to see a consultant and a hospital, my god I feel like my world is crashing down, it has to be cancer, that horrible deathly word CANCER!!! I cant think straight but the days go by and eventually I am at my appointment with my partner!
Im in the consultants office and all I hear is cancer, I have cancer, I did have cancer, I dont know whats going on!!! Lucky my partner is there listening because I have no idea whats going on, all I can hear is cancer....all that's flashing through my head is im going to die and im going to leave my son without a mum.....
Anyway, turns out that I do/did have VERY early stages of cervical cancer that they think they may have taken away when I had the LLETZ done, the consultant is not worried about the cancer CIN as its tiny, minute and will be taken away if it hasnt already been taken away, hes a little more worried that a different form of cancer was found CGIN (I have no idea what all these abbreviations mean, if I google I will throw up so I stay away as best I can), he wanted to do another LLETZ there and then but as it was only four weeks since the last one he said he would leave it until 4th July, when another one would be done along with a biopsy to see if the CGIN had spread a little further, he said he very much doubts it has as it fairly rare but he wouldnt feel comfortable not testing for it!!! He said after the procedure and biopsy are back if all is clear then great but if its not then we would discuss further trestment, one being a hysterectomy!!! He also said if they do come back clear the option for me to have a hystersctomy is still there as CGIN will always return, he said if I was his wife he would recommend having one done!!!!
Ok a huge amount of information!!! We are happy with our one Son, we had trouble conceiving before him so hes like our miracle, so having more children never crossed my mind as I was scarred of miscarrying again, but given the choice of hysterectomy, means I will NEVER have the choice, BUT I need to think of my health more!!! Put my family first, so I will opt for the hysterectomy if (hopefully) my results come back clear!!!
Ok, so now I have the long waiting game (4 weeks until my procedure and the 3 weeks for the results), im sure if the consultant was really worried (I was dying) I wouldnt be waiting around for tests and ops etc....I hope
Since that day (2 days ago), I have felt awful, not me at all, I have stomach pains, feel sick, feel like jelly, my heart feels like its racing, I cant think straight, my eyes hurt almost like I need to close them and go to sleep, I feel so light headed all the time, like its not me in my body, my mind is else where....I literally feel now and then im going to faint or have a panic attack, and I tremble
I know I should be grateful I have very early cancer that has an almost 100% survival rate but I just cant get things out of my mind like they are going to find it somewhere else and its going to be worse than it is now, im shaking just writing this.....I go to sleep and I wake up in a panic....I dont know what to do, I feel like this is not happening to me, I cant focus and have a heaviness all over my body!!! Is all this normal, do I need a doctor?? I just want to calm down but I cant
Im so sorry this is long but i just need to type and get it all out before I explode, I need to stay away from google.......I need to stop crying
Thank you for listening and im sorry if it dont make sense or even if im on the wrong forum, I just need to know these odd feelings and normal!!! I just want me back