I don't know where to start, and I doubt this is really the right section of the forums to put a post like this. This was my best guess.
The problem I'm dealing with right now is really a collection of many intertwined things which makes it really hard for me to solve. On top of that, I could technically get professional help but I don't want to tell my parents for a variety of reasons and I would have to if I wanted to talk to a psychologist or something. I'm honestly kind of paranoid that my parents might find this website somehow and read this and figure out it's me, but I doubt they would and I have to do something besides what I'm doing. I ask that anyone reading try and forgive any sarcasm or snarky comments. I find it hard not to be angry and rude when it comes to things like this, and my boyfriend has confirmed this. lol
I've always been terrified of God in one way or another. Is he real, is he not real, am I going to hell or something... things like that. Now it's: if there is a god he must be a monster. He lets everyone suffer and doesn't lift a finger. If he lets everyone suffer then he must WANT us to suffer because if he could do anything and chooses not to, he is responsible for what happens. He can't pull the "innocent bystander" thing. I want there to be a god because I don't want to fizzle out and stop when I die, and I don't want my boyfriend or brother or anyone to fizzle out and stop when they die either. I wan't a good god though... I have read lots of near death experience stories and they seem legit from what I can tell. (People say lots of things about them not being proof of any after life and I completely understand; I find them inexplicable enough to give me hope however.) It should be noted that I'm not Christian or any other religion. If it is of any importance to the reader, I think that Christianity may be humanity's best guess at what a good god would be like or something like that, but I don't see any reason to believe the Bible is infallible or anything like that. Everything with a grain of salt, you know?
I'm terrified of becoming pregnant and have been sense I was about 8 or so, maybe younger. I'm terrified of the pain and discomfort people say you experience. I'm terrified of the distortion of the body and the after effects. I'm terrified of having to be in a situation where I'm scared and in pain with doctors and people I don't trust around who don't care about me and won't listen to me and will be touching me and hurting me and doing things to me. I'm terrified of not going to the doctors if I was having a kid because then I wouldn't have even the POSSIBILITY of any pain management. I'm scared of dying in the process, but I think I would say that is not at the forefront of my mind when I panic. I'm sort of afraid of having to look at and take care of the baby if I had one and be reminded of being pregnant. I would have to love him/her and take care of them; how can I do that? I can hardly take care of myself and a kid is such an integral part of being pregnant there's no way I couldn't associate them with that experience. What if I hated the baby because of all that it stood for in my mind? And what would happen to my boyfriend -- who, if we behaved (didn't have sex until we are married) like we mean to, would be my husband -- if I had a kid and was too much of a lunatic to be a mother to it? Would he have to take care of two people then? Would I have to leave and be alone for their sake? Could I even adopt a kid with him instead of have one like I always assumed I would do when I was younger; wouldn't ANY baby remind me of pregnancy? My sweet boyfriend has offered to do anything and everything that can be done to prevent pregnancy, but it doesn't get rid of my fear. Mix the stuff about God that I wrote above in with this and you get a terrible concoction. What if God makes me get pregnant? He obviously wants people to suffer so there is no reason to feel like you are safe even if you and your boyfriend do everything you can to avoid being pregnant. God might let someone have their way with you or make whatever steps you take to avoid pregnancy not work. "God wouldn't do that; He loves you." Really? because I thought things like the holocaust happened. If God loves, us it never stopped anyone, ever, from being tortured and suffering or anything like that. I also don't like how women some times think its cool or funny that people suffer being pregnant. Some times, or a lot of the time, they act like when you have a kid you get to join the "I screamed for 24 hours and created life" club and tell horror stories like it's hilarious or glorious or something.
I'm terrified of being alone and dying, especially with all these fears of mine and in a world like this. What if my boyfriend dies? What if I die and leave him all alone? I don't know which hurts more to think about honestly. I picture myself laying in bed at night, when I'm 40 or 80 or any age really after being married to him and sleeping next to him at night, and him just.... being gone... his body in a broken box under the dirt. Or worse, what if there is no god and he just... stopped... What if I just stop when I die. What if our minds just come to a creeping halt and blink out. Forgive me if you are like me and this scares you. I don't wish to paint any new terrifying pictures in anyone's head, but this is what is in mine.
I'm terrified of suffering as I've already mentioned. I can't stand screaming or crying or whimpering or whining or complaints about being uncomfortable or in pain; It makes me want to run as far away as I can or hit someone to make it stop. It's not annoying like I'm mad at them for being a sissy or something, it just scares me. I remember when my dog got her knees fixed and came home all drugged for the pain but was still whining at night... it made me want to scream. Hearing stories about people with, say, a spinal problem where their nerves are messed up and they are in constant pain or something, scares me to death. What if that happened to me or to my boyfriend? What if I was crying in pain day and night, or what if he was? I wouldn't be able to do anything for him except sit and cry with him... Then add the God problem on top and I'm terrified and so angry I can hardly contain it. I am astonished I've managed to keep all this from everyone but my boyfriend. Maybe I'm really good at hiding things, or maybe my parents are really dumb. lol
I'm terrified of doctors as I've also already mentioned. All my early experiences with doctors have been bad. They lie and they humiliate you with ridiculous tests and procedures. When I was little, about 2 or 3 and another time maybe 4 or 5, I complained to my mother about some problem of mine and she took me to the doctor and they, of course, did what doctors do and made me take off my clothes and examined me and things like that. I'm not trying to accuse anyone of sexual abuse or something because everything I remember was normal... I just hate doctors. I hate being inspected and treated like a science project. I hate being talked about like I'm not there. My mother and the doctor treating me like a dog at the vet; like I'm not somebody. I don't want a repeat of something like that, go there thinking I'm just going to get something fixed and no one is going to do anything to me, I'm alright, I'm safe, they are only going to help and then WAM humiliating tests and things you wouldn't have even thought of. Strangers looking at you and touching you and doing things to you... and I was little... I couldn't say no... I was just a dog at the vet. It wasn't like: alright, you are sick or something, now you can keep being sick or you can go to the doctor on your own time, your problem won't go away if you don't but it's up to YOU when and how and who you go with and what they do to you and who does what to you. No. Dog at the vet... whatever mom wants them to do to you they will do. go to the doctor on your own time, your problem won't go away if you don't but it's up to YOU when and how and who you go with and what they do to you and who does what to you. No. Dog at the vet... whatever mom wants them to do to you they will do. Whatever crazy thing they pull out of their hat. It's done. And the lies... "Put your finger in this, it won't hurt." Surprise. You scream when they clamp it down on your finger and it's got some sort of needle or spike or some such horrible thing. I despise the thought of my boyfriend going to the doctors too and them doing anything too him; I can't stand it even though it's not really anything that bothers him more than the average person. I realized that my fears about being sick weren't just about dying when I was terrified that my parents would find out that my toe was busted up once when I was like 10 or so. An infected toe isn't life threatening unless perhaps you have an immune system problem. I realized I wasn't JUST afraid of dying... I was afraid of being whisked off and at the whim of my mother and whatever cold doctor I ended up with. Just a dog at the vet again. Sure, I couldn't see any reason why I would need humiliating tests this time around... but I've seen the T.V. shows... and who knows what they might come up with... or want to test me for "while I'm there" or what my mom might ask them to do to save time sense were already there or what future appointment they might convince her to make that's completely unrelated to a infected toe. A few months back my mother mentioned seeing an OBGYN. She said something like "you'll need to go to one of those soon." Yeah right, over my dead rotting body. I don't know exactly why you would need to see an OBGYN just randomly anyway. I don't, and have never, had sex so it's not like I need to make sure I don't have STD's or something. On a similar note, I told my parents about my fears about dying when I was maybe 8 or 9 because I basically snapped under the fear. I couldn't sleep, I felt sick, I slept in my parents bed every night because I was afraid they would die and I would have lost that time with them and I didn't want to be alone. Things like this are beyond personal to me. And you know what my mom did? She told her friend and her friends mother and I'm sure their kids heard about it and who knows who else. Her friends mother got me some little kids Bible and things and gave it to me in front of my brother and said something like "I know she's been having a hard time lately." I'm not mad at them for knowing or at her for getting me the book, I AM mad at my mother for telling them and I refused to tell her anything after that if I could help it. I was scared, took a risk, told them a secret, and it got shared with everyone like it was the latest news about last night's Bachelorette episode. This is the major reason I can't talk to a psychologist or something because I would have to go through my parents to do so. It should be noted that I don't have flash backs or anything like that about my early experiences with the doctors. I don't think about it on a regular basis, I just don't want to go to the doctors and be treated like that...
The effect this is all having on me and my boyfriend is really breaking my heart. I find it hard to care about people some times; I guess I can't say I don't care about them other wise everything would be fine when it comes to other people suffering, right? But I know a woman who was abused as a child and has frequent nightmares, and my boyfriend remarked once, "I just wish she could sleep," and immediately I thought, "Well God doesn't care," as if what... I don't have to care now either? Do I not want to care about people? Is that what this is going to do to me? All this fear and frustration and anger and helplessness has been making me snap at my boyfriend, and he doesn't deserve any of it. I got angry at him the other day for "ignoring me" when I was upset... but see... I'm ALWAYS upset... what is he supposed to do? I told him I was mad that he would just watch videos on You Tube all day while I was suffering and terrified, that all he does is have a great time giggling at funny videos and playing games while this is killing me from the inside out. But I'm always telling him "nothing helps," "I'm scared and there's nothing we can do," "looking things up on the internet hasn't worked, we've been doing that for the past year now." He is always there for me and IF there is anything he can actually do he does it -- he found me this website, but there isn't always something he can do, and I snap at him when it all overtakes me and I crack. I'm very mean to him some times because of it... He doesn't want to ditch me, and we've been through a lot together. He is the sweetest thing and very dedicated and gentle and kind. I don't want to turn into a monster and drive him away or hurt him. We've been together 3 and a half years now or so; I was 16 when we meet.
I don't know what to do about all these things, my problems haven't always been the same. When I was 5 or so it was pretty much just dying. Now a huge part of it is pregnancy and God. Everything is pretty much inseparable from the God problem, but if there is no god that doesn't solve anything, it really only makes the dying stuff completely and utterly unmanageable for me. I don't know if there is some way to categorize my problems so I can better look up ways of trying to deal with it. I hope that eventually when I can get away from my parents that I can get professional help, but... I just can't do that right now... I'm scared. I don't have panic attacks I don't think; I get panicy and have to pay attention to breathing but it isn't like a panic attack from what I can tell. If I do have panic attacks they aren't terribly scary ones or anything; I'm always worried about the usual things I've described above and my difficulty breathing normally doesn't scare me in and of itself because I can force myself to breathe.
I don't know if anyone here can help me. I hope so. This is killing me. Every day I'm worried about all these things... it's exhausting.
Thanks, and best of luck with your own problems too,