JUst want to vent a little past month or two my intrusive thoughts have all but disappeared. All I am left with having to get back out and go places and challenge my anxiety and move forward. Things seemed like I might finally be coming out of this relapse. Then today I was sitting outside, my 3 kids running around, my niece and my great nephew who Ive been raising for almost a year. A thought came. "You're all alone!" Then I realized that my wife was at work and my brother and his family that live in across the street were all gone. I knew my mother was on the other side of town doing chemotherapy. My dad was at work. My other brother who lives down the road was not home and wasnt answering his phone.
I started to panic. I tried to tell myself this is just a thought, nothing else. No reason to panic. Everything was fine. Im telling myself damn dude, you are a 33 year old man, you dont need someone to be here with you!
The stress of a 14, 10, 9, 6 and 1 year old all running around misbehaving, being kids, depending on me for stuff just felt so overwhelming. I tried to battle through it. I tried to think rationally but the anxiety lingered. Luckily it wasnt long before my mom come pulling up at the house after her doctor visit. I felt instant relief. Finally someone here.
Pisses me off so much that I seem to not have much self confidence in my abilities to deal with anxiety anymore. Its like I feel like I need someone around, someone close like a relative. I swear this is just becoming so overbearing. All I can say is F.M.L. , what a year this has been.