I decided to sit and write out what a day in my head is like. This is what I wrote:
Today I have had a really worrisome day. When I woke up, my reflux had already started. So I took my medicine (empty stomach with water). My chest and stomach have hurt all day. I took my anxiety medicine around lunch time. I mowed the yard. When the mower quit, I started to worry that I had really messed it up and that my husband would be mad. I've worried about my dog who is getting older all day. I keep checking to see if she is still breathing. Every pain in my chest, I automatically thought, "heart failure." With each pain in my stomach, my mind goes straight to stomach cancer. I am terrified to workout. I am so afraid that my next breath will be my last. I am stressed about finishing my first month of Director-in-Qualification (I am a Mary Kay consultant). I'm stressed about having enough money to do ANYTHING. I HATE THIS FEELING!! I have forgotten how to enjoy life because I am so scared and anxious about everything. I don't get to enjoy going for a walk outside, playing with my dogs, canoeing, hiking and spending time with my husband, going out with friends, eating, and just having fun. I am afraid that every morsel of food I put into my mouth will cause something bad to happen to me. I have been reading a lot lately. I know that God wants me to enjoy my life, but I also know that bad things happen to people every day. I am afraid to get too happy for the fear of something bad will happen. This is no way to live. I am ready to be happy, healthy, enjoy my life and all the little things, and to live without a constant fear hanging over me at all times. I want to know: if God wants me to enjoy my life, why am I fighting this every day? I am afraid of EVERYTHING. I am afraid to leave the house. I am afraid, and am tired of being so afraid. I miss my life. I miss laughter. I have taken things too seriously for too long. I'm tired of being judgmental of those enjoying their lives. My worries start as soon as I open my eyes. I need someone to talk to. I miss having friends nearby. (My husband and I moved 8.5 hrs away from our families and friends 1 1/2 years ago for his job.) I love living here. I just miss having someone to talk to. I am afraid to have a baby. I am scared to death that I won't make it through the labor. I am so out of shape. I just want the pain to stop. Chest pains, stomach pains, worries, fears, feelings of inadequacy. I need help. My stomach is hurting again under my left rib cage. I am short of breath and starting to cough. I'm tired of being lazy. I'm terrified of change. I want to be able to embrace change, because I know it is part of life. I am ready to enjoy my job, my life, my blessings, and my health.
Any input from anyone? Does anyone else feel this way?