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Author Topic: Is my life over? What is wrong with me? Looking for help :( (Long)  (Read 215 times)

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Offline Nichlas224

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Hello, im new to this forum, allthough ive been reading on it for about 2 weeks now. I dont know if this is the right place to write this and im sorry for my bad gramma aswell :)
I warn you that its long.

Im a 19 year old male diagnosed with ADHD (Hyperkinetic Conduct Disorder) and my life is bad lately..

Basicly for 6months straight i have been dealing with what i belive is Anxiety/OCD/Depression.
It started with a panic attack while i was high where i felt i couldn breath and i was getting choked by something i drank ALOT of water but it kept coming back. Since that day i was scared everyday for about 3 months about illness such as (Cancer, Blood Cloths, Tumors) and the list goes on. I would read something on the internet about my symptoms and expect the worse, even if it says it could be a headache i belived it was a brain tumor. This went on for 3months and i completely isolated myself, stopped eating and going outside, I developed fear of busses and supermarkeds (since i would get Dizzy, felt i couldn swallow, and felt i couldn breath) I spend all my time in my room, laying down, and playing on my computer. I would also if i was reading about a disease i would "copy" and "feel" the symptoms that i didn even have in the first place, lets say i was googling my headache, it said it could be brain tumor, i read the symptoms and another symptom was something like "left arm would get paralyzed" Then i would start feeling weird in my left arm, almost unable to move it. This wasnt a problem untill 3 months ago.. where it all began to get SERIOUS. I started to Self-Diagnose Mentall Illness/Disorders. I would read about an disoder, look the symptoms and if one or more symptoms fits me i would instantly think i had that disorder, and think i had ALL the other symptoms aswell, let me give examble. The first Mental disorder i diagnosed myself with was being a Sociopath. My girlfriend said it was like i was playing with her feelings  i then googled why i would do that and i came upon Sociopaths... Then i was scared i had that cause a few of the symptoms clearly fitted me. Then i read another symptom of being a Sociopath and that was "Sociopaths Do NOT care about other people, they do NOT have feelings, they do NOT feel guilt." Thats when it got ###$ up. I belived i didn, i belived i had no feelings/Emotions towards anything, i belived i didn care about others and i belived i felt no guilt cause i didn.. i didn after i read it.. i belive it so much i actuallly "copy" all the symptoms and think i truly does not feel emotions cause i dont feel them now. So lets say i could be caring, and i had feelings, after i read that sociopaths dont really have that i started to belive i didn either. and now im just empty inside.. My girlfriend broke up twice and i havnt really felt any joy or sadness either of the times and i still really dont.. im scared i lost my feelings for her and im scared that im just using her... Then i did some more research and came upon "Nacisistic personality disorder" and i belived i had that, evne when i didn have some of Symptoms that was basicly needed to get the diagnose but because i had a few of them i would think i had or will get the disorder.. After a few days/week(s) of that i came across Borderline/Bi-polar and so on, i quickly forgot those even when some of the symptoms fit but now im at "schizophrenia" and that gets me thinking if i might develop that...

I have completly Isolated myself.
I have always felt people was watching me when i was walking down the city, i do not however think they can read my mind but i DO wonder what they i thinking about me, ALOT.
About 2 years ago i was always home alone at night and would always be playing on my ps3, and i would ALWAYS Freestyle out loud or "pretend" i was doing a commentary to the game (maybe cause i watched alot of game commentarys cause i found them entertaining?) But anyways.. i would sit there and talk english to my self pretending i was doing a commentary.
When i lived with my dad about 2 years ago i felt as there was something in his room, i never knew what it was but i felt as if there was someone, i always closed the door and if it was open i would feel like someone was in there, (maybe because it was dark and i never used it myself, it was his bedroom)
When walking up stairs at night i always been afraid of something grabbing my legs and pull me down and i felt like someone was behind me, only at night tho when everyone else was sleeping.
When im on the toilet and i gotte pee i always look behind me, into the mirror? i dont know why but i do. As if something is there when im not looking?
Sometimes when i sit down its like i get suddenly lightheaded, and "butterflies" in whole my body the same time, and it feels as if im getting pulled up, it only last a few seconds tho.
Sometimes i dont think at all like.. i can look at an object but my mind isnt thinking about it at all. either its thinking about something else or not thinking at all.
I do not see stuff that is not there exept sometimes i can feel like there is a little shadow in the very corner of my eye but when i look it is gone.
I did however but only a very few times maybe once or twice hear noises/voices right before i fell asleep and i would be worried but eventurlly asleep soon after.
I dont eat as much as i would use to do, i lost 20-25kg going from 115kg to 86kg in the first 3 months where i was conserned about my physical health.
These are the symptoms that i can remember at the moment while writing this but im sure there is a few more? maybe. I have been Diagnosed with ADHD (Hyperkinetic Conduct Disorder) but nothing else. I belive i suffer from GAD, OCD and Depression however i still belive i suffer from these mental disorders. Im scared i have schizophrenia and that i will start seing stuff and hearing stuff that is not there, and im scared im gonne lose complete grip of reality and live in my own univers.I worry about these things.. But i dont feel the fear anymore? after i started with schizophrenia i just dont feel the fear anymore? i think about whats wrong with me 24/7 and i cant think about anything or anyone else than whats wrong with me but i dont feel the fear anymore? i also stopped having panic attacks about a month or two ago, but im worried that im not worried/feel the fear? i dont get adrenelin rush when looking at a new diagnose but i do feel like im going insane! i dont wanne start seing stuff/hearing stuff thats not really there and while im writing this im starting to see floaters now which kinda gets me worried... What is wrong with me?
i dont wanne go insane. I was at the doctor today and i said im scared that i might be schizophrenia and he said "I give you my word that you are not" But i still belive im developing it? i have no motivation at all for anything, and i fail to attend my meetings with my doctor.

This is just.. half the stuff.. i also suffer from DP/DR but aint that normal with anxiety ;<

So... the big question.. Am i going insane? Do i suffer from some mentall illness other than my adhd?.. Could all this be Anxiety/OCD and some depression on top of that? I have no clue.. But as said MANY times in the post..Im worried there is something really wrong :(..

PS :). I do not mean anything bad to people who suffer from illness, respect to you guys, aslong with those, to anyone feeling bad like me, worse or not doesnt matter, stay strong :)

Sorry if its all messed up and hard to read.. and if anything is said twice well... My mind is nooooon stop thinking about these stuff and i got this weird feeling of cotton in my head :c Thanks for reading <3
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Offline bluerose

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Re: Is my life over? What is wrong with me? Looking for help :( (Long)
« Reply #1 on: May 29, 2014, 03:59:05 AM »
It definitely sounds like you have anxiety and depression and possibly OCD.  These are mental illnesses and though while not trivial they are not as severe as the other ones you mentioned like schizophrenia which it doesn't sound like you have along with the other ones you mentioned.  But anxiety, depression and OCD is also what I have and let me tell you that is enough and can be a "full plate".  I would recommend seeing a counselor/and or a psychiatrist if you haven't already to get an accurate diagnosis.  From there you can work on how to proceed -- perhaps cognitive behavioral therapy and/or medication.  I can tell by your post that you are really suffering.  With proper treatment you can begin to enjoy life again.  You may also want to check out the health anxiety section of this site.  It sound like a lot of your fears would fit that description.  I sometimes get health anxiety too.
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You wanted justice, but there was none, only love.

Offline Nichlas224

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Re: Is my life over? What is wrong with me? Looking for help :( (Long)
« Reply #2 on: May 29, 2014, 07:47:38 AM »
It definitely sounds like you have anxiety and depression and possibly OCD.  These are mental illnesses and though while not trivial they are not as severe as the other ones you mentioned like schizophrenia which it doesn't sound like you have along with the other ones you mentioned.  But anxiety, depression and OCD is also what I have and let me tell you that is enough and can be a "full plate".  I would recommend seeing a counselor/and or a psychiatrist if you haven't already to get an accurate diagnosis.  From there you can work on how to proceed -- perhaps cognitive behavioral therapy and/or medication.  I can tell by your post that you are really suffering.  With proper treatment you can begin to enjoy life again.  You may also want to check out the health anxiety section of this site.  It sound like a lot of your fears would fit that description.  I sometimes get health anxiety too.
Thanks for your reply.  Its good to hear it doesnt sound schizophrenic. I am seeing both my Doc and my Pdoc from time to time but havnt been diagnosed with anything, theres been a bit talk about medication. I will check out the Health Anxiety section again Thanks for advice and i hope you get better with yours aswell :)
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Offline Myocdragon

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Re: Is my life over? What is wrong with me? Looking for help :( (Long)
« Reply #3 on: May 29, 2014, 09:10:57 AM »
My immediate advice is to stop googling. It's not making your life better or easing your suffering. It's making things worse.

I'm a little surprised your pdoc hasn't given you a diagnosis or meds. It seems like this has been going on for a long time. I agree with Bluerose in that it does sound like anxiety and depression and possibly some OCD. The good news is that the depression is probably a result of the prolonged crisis period you're going through, and it will be treated by treating the gad and OCD.

I think the best course of action would be to lay everything out to your pdoc and hopefully start some meds, and also get regular cognitive behavioral therapy if you can. Six months is long enough to suffer without starting to get better. If you start treatment today, I would bet you'd feel 80% better in three months.

As far as schizophrenia or something is concerned, I couldn't possibly diagnose you, but I can say that knowing something is wrong is a good indicator that you're going to be okay. It's when you believe there's nothing wrong with you, it's everyone else, that's an issue.

Get treatment! See your pdoc. Get CBT if you can. Good luck. It's no fun.
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I'm not crazy, I've just lost my mind

Offline Nichlas224

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Re: Is my life over? What is wrong with me? Looking for help :( (Long)
« Reply #4 on: May 29, 2014, 09:36:02 AM »
Thanks for your reply! I have kept jounal the past 2 months and have alot writtin down, everything i think and feel is in it and im hoping my pdoc will take a close look at it. I have been told by pdoc aswell that i do not have schizophrenia but that doesnt mean im not developping it and thats what gets me worried :)
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