I've never tried using an online forum and hopefully this will help. I feel like I'm running out of options and maybe someone can understand where I'm coming from.
I'm 20 years old and was diagnosed with GAD when I was 9. Since then, I had infrequent therapy through adolescence and was brain-washed by my mother (with Narcissistic Personality Disorder) to hate and distrust my father, as well as my other family members. I acted out, alienated, causing self harm (binge drinking, piercing skin, reckless behavior) choosing to be homeless for a summer in the city in Atlanta (my mother never noticing). I spent my time at the age 13 and 14 taking care of my two younger brothers while my mother was simply gone or passed out from abusing pills. To deal with the extreme anxiety I would drink or smoke cigarettes before and after school, while simultaneously maintaining good grades in high school in hopes of moving out of Atlanta and escaping my life here.
Since these things have happened I met with a therapist for a year that slowly turned out to be abusive when I told him I wanted to discontinue our sessions because I didn't feel like meditation helped me. He wouldn't accept my push away from meditation (which I confessed stressed me out) and told me that I was an awful person for not showing up to the next appointment he scheduled after I explicitly said I didn't want to attend. After this happened, I feel weary about trusting and relying on a therapist because I spent so much time working with this person.
It has been two years since this happened and my depression has come in extreme ways. It almost seems like it has become more sophisticated: it tells me I must deserve to have weak connections with my family, I feel inadequate intellectually and physically, and drums up more and more reasons for me to feel alienated. I studied abroad for a semester and learned that I didn't identify with American culture, further making me feel alienated. When I was outside of the country, I felt a certain peace I had never experienced and even quit smoking while I was there. I wanted to continue to live there, but have to finish my degree here because of credits failing to transfer -- so I have two more years to wait to leave.
Since this has happened I started experiencing intense social anxiety I didn't have before. I started what I think is body dismorphia, which makes me obsess over how I feel "chubby" and has worked with the social anxiety which has made me want to avoid meeting new people or hanging out in new places without thinking no one would like me because of how unattractively pudgy I had become. Honestly, I'm 5'2" and weigh 140 lbs, so I am not the skinniest person but I didn't use to hate my body so much. I find myself trying to not eat at all or eating and hating myself for eating. I hate exercising due to being felt like I'm being watched by people. My dad, who I live with now, is very into fitness and has tries supporting me when I try working out but criticizes me for giving up too quickly, though I'm already exhausted from classes and working as a waitress.
In all, I don't know how to handle it anymore. I have cut off friends because I feel like most of them treated me terribly. I feel suicidal often and feel like I'm at constant war with calming myself down and exploding into a sad, anxious mess. The only thing I have that really makes me feel secure is my boyfriend, who is also suffering from anxiety and depression, but I feel like my emotional dependence may be getting unhealthy (I feel lost without seeing him for longer than two days, I don't feel comfortable sleeping without him).
I know this is a lot and is a really long about me post, but I just don't know what else to do.