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Author Topic: Everything feels like its collapsing  (Read 106 times)

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Offline TheCivilYoshi

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Everything feels like its collapsing
« on: May 25, 2014, 08:52:32 PM »
Hi. Im 19 years old, living with my parents, going to college. I just turned 19 today, and all i've been receiving is hate and down talk from my mom and my dad, constantly calling me a failure and that im never going to succeed in my life. This started because i was not able to fall asleep last night, so i accidentally laughed a bit loud when i was talking to my friends and had woken my mom. I understand that i was wrong, and that she had a clear reason to be upset, but she made nothing of it until she had drank a little bit of wine.

She then proceeded to go from he sweet nice voice to demanding i cancel my plans for this upcoming saturday which i have payed 50 dollars for and have had planned for the last month to work because i "have too". After i told her i already made plans and she should have told me earlier, she said that she didn't give a **** and didn't have a choice.

Obviously i thought this was unfair and told her that i had already spent money, why am i going to work if i'm not even going to make anything back.

She then starts to guild trip me by saying she's done everything for me and that i do nothing for her and that i have no respect for her or the family etc, saying how my sister has accomplished so much more than me at my age and how she's always made her proud and how im a failure, or something along those lines. I usually tend to just ignore her when she goes on these extended tantrums about how im such a terrible son because im honestly sick of hearing it over and over.

I suffer from a Condition Pure-O OCD which has multiple fears, one being that im going to go insane and commit a mass shooting or ***** or harm my family. Situations like this make me angry and upset that i dont even know what to do anymore. I feel like one day im going to be pushed to the edge and im going to lose it and i feel like crying because i don't know if theirs anything i can do to stop it. I feel like my entire life my parents and their "Discipline" Has lead me to the point of near madness.

She doesn't understand that i have this condition, even though i been going to therapy for the last 5 months on my own for this. I also have a half sister from my moms side who is 35 who lives with us and has lived with us for the last 8 years. She doesn't appear to have any plans on moving out, but my parents constantly do the same with her. She cant hold a job but they use the excuse that shes "Sick" (She suffers from bi-polar disorder) and she makes excuses for her, but apparently if i claim to have OCD im "Loopy" or "An brainless idiot".

All of this happened on my birthday by the way, one of the few days i actually had a break from the constant OCD fears that haunt me. I'm petrified. I dont want to become another Holmes or be the reason for another columbine. Im terrified of myself and i constantly fear like because of all this stress my family causes me im going to lose my mind.

I dont know how to talk to my parrents because all they can do is point out that im 19 with no job, apparently they expect me to spend all my days working.

They constantly call me a child because i enjoy playing video games, because they're the only thing that give me an escape from the constant OCD. (Mind you i dont play violent video games, as my OCD doesn't really allow me, for fear i will become violent if i spend too much time playing such games.)
Beyond that i have met so many nice people who actually treat me like an equal and make me laugh and have a good time instead of just being told im a nobody or a failure etc...

My parents basically want to completely prevent me from having access to my computer/games because im "A grown man who acts like a 5 year old." (All these statements are because i play video games, they always assume when im on the computer that i'm "Playing those stupid games" even when im doing things like browsing forums, talking to my friends, etc. Its always just instantly "Video Games".)

Im sorry for this long post. I just am sick and frustrated of this situation and i have no idea how to diplomatically resolve this with them. Beyond that my OCD is agitated and im extremely fearful of the future, i constantly feel like im going to lose my mind.

If anyone has some helpful advice, that'd be great. I don't know what to do in this situation. Im already looking for jobs but they constantly say how when they moved to this country they found a job in 5 days without any language and they expect me to work at whatever rag-tag place wants me, when im looking to work in a place that actually fits my needs and wont make my OCD spike anymore than it already has too.
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Offline bluerose

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Re: Everything feels like its collapsing
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2014, 03:00:19 AM »
I had a mother that sounds a lot like your parents.  She was always putting me down and really trying to control and emotionally destroy me.  My father was very loving but she wore the pants in the family so he almost never stood up to my mother.  My solution was to get a job and live with roommates because I didn't make enough money to afford my own apartment.  I know it was a lot easier to get a job in 1979 when I was 20 then it is now.  But for your sanity it would be good for you to get out of your home environment.  Living with roommates wasn't ideal.  We weren't friends just people who shared the common space but each had our own bedrooms. But I can tell you it was a heck of a lot better than living at home.  I had my freedom and some peace and quiet.  You may have to put college on the back burner or adjust a work schedule around your classes.  Maybe you could get financial aid that would help pay for college and your living expenses.  I have OCD too by the way and it's pretty well controlled with medication.  If you're not seeing a therapist it may be a good idea to find one to help support you through all this.
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