I graduated college and am trying to find the motivation and willpower to remain excited and happy, but unfortunately I have lost a lot of it during the course of my college career. I have so much to be grateful for, a family, a degree, etc. and I feel a huge sense of guilt for not gathering enough emotions inside of me to feel happy. For one thing, I came to college very unsure if my degree was really the field I wanted to do or not and after lots of deliberation and finding friends in a study group, I decided to go with it. The people who I initially was studying with have constantly used me because they saw me as a person who goes to class and have taken advantage of me for it. I have been the go-to resource for homework, notes, you name it. I have had trouble finding an internship related to my major despite hard work and many phone calls and e-mails while 90% of my class was working. When consulting other peers, I found out I was doing all the right things. I even went to my neighbor, a speech therapist, to do practice interviews and she thought I did a good job. After a while, I had to give up looking for an intern job as it was getting too close to graduation and companies did not want to accept somebody at my standing to work as an intern. I then built up excitement to do a post-graduate training program and signed up to do a short rotation with a professor. When time came to ask him for a rec letter, he declined saying he didn't think I did anything exemplary for a rec letter although I demonstrated my enthusiasm, hard work and eagerness by doing a rotation with him for six weeks. I even asked him for continual feedback and he told me during my rotation I did great, but at the end of all of it, he rejected to write me a letter that I think greatly cost my chance at receiving the training opportunity I wanted. Because of a lot of unhappiness with my peers and classmates in my major, I joined other organizations in college which too I faced disappointments with as I worked hard to create activities but many members did not show interest despite my activism and provision of activities for participation.
I graduated school without making close friends, having good faculty relationships, without a sense or idea of what I really want to and am capable doing due to my lack of work experience. I have been dissapointed by my school organization members. I am serious about constructive criticism and honest feedback and while I do think there are a lot of areas for improvement, I do feel that some things were not fair. I try my hardest to be a helpful person, I do a lot to make people enjoy and have fun and I try to be fair and I think instead of people appreciating this about me, they use, abuse and manipulate my actions.
I am telling myself to be happy that at least I graduated even though I have no clue what I am doing. I am trying to take a break from the job search and finding activities that are more meaningful to me. But it is not an easy task. I have been crying everyday since I graduated. My parents are troubled by my behavior. I feel like such an ingrate and so much guilt for feeling this way. I am afraid something worse will happen to me because I am crying when I have a lot to be thankful for. But on one hand, I have graduated without making any friends, without having a faculty who has been there to support me, without work experience that is giving me great stress about finding a job. I am feeling emotionally unstable and trying to find the right things to motivate me, but it is tough and a work and progress. Anybody who may relate or have helpful tips, would like to hear.