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Author Topic: Please help me to not feel so alone...  (Read 126 times)

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Offline LizzeyDizzy

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Please help me to not feel so alone...
« on: May 24, 2014, 02:50:03 AM »
I have had anxiety issues since i was 8, but it wasn't until i was 12 that i was diagnosed with anxiety and panic attacks. The anxiety started after i witnessed my grandfather die in a car accident in front of my school bus, that is what i believe started all of this. My family doctor thinks that i might have PTSD, from seeing my grandfather die and because i was raped as a child; i am going back to therapy on june 13th. I had only ever went to 1 therapy appointment in the past and i never went back. I just feel like there is something wrong with my brain, i have started confusing words and stuttering for about a year now. Sometimes my neck feels like it weighs 100 pounds and i can't hold my head up and while this happens i can't hear anyone that is in the room with me and its like my head is spinning. I grew up with a mentally abusive alcoholic father and a mother that couldn't see him for what he truly was, to her defense she has PTSD from childhood issues and was blindly dependent on him. Sometimes i'm ok and then i want to end everything to stop being a burden on everyone, i push everyone and everything i love away. I'm like an evil monster who ruins everything she touches. I have been having very violent nightmares every night like clockwork, they aren't regular nightmares though. These ones are so real and so vivid and as soon as i wake up i jump right off the bed and then i start bawling. Am i the only one who feels this way? Am i the only one having these kind of nightmares? Please help me i feel so alone, and people who do not have anxiety could never  understand.
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Life can be full of tragedies, but it's up to us to make those tragedies a beautiful reminder of what we once had.

Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Please help me to not feel so alone...
« Reply #1 on: May 24, 2014, 05:25:56 AM »
I would agree that you might have PTSD from your childhood issues. So what I would be looking for is therapy based towards that disorder. There is a special therapy for PTSD. They use it on abuse victims and people who have been through the wars. Horrors we can't even imagine. That might be better than just normal talk therapy. As for who you are? You condition can dictate your mood at times. That might be an issue you have. You have grown up with this sort of stuff all around you as a child. So on a subconscious level your mind might see it as normal. As for your dreams. They are lucid dreams. The feel like real life. You wake and thing what you have just been through was real. Very common form of dreaming. Loads of people have lucid dreams. May seem bad. But dreams can't harm you at all. Always keep that in mind. Just look for a distraction in your life. Something you might have always wanted to do. To take your mind off of yourself. A hobby of some sort. It will help you relax.
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Offline kconnors

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Re: Please help me to not feel so alone...
« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2014, 01:53:56 PM »
Hi LizzeyDizzy,

In addition to Cuchculan, I would also tell you that you are showing the type of strength of character that you need to address your issues. PTSD is difficult enough as an adult when we might have better coping and critical processing skills, but to experience as you have throughout your childhood, well, you have to be strong to take the steps that you are now taking. Your future does not have to be a series of pushing everyone and everything away. . .  this is a reaction and sometimes we do it to protect ourselves from any more hurt or disappointment . . . you are not an evil monster . . . you have issues which you recognize and are seeking help with . . . that makes you a hero . . . too often, we accept the evil monster because it is a comfort zone . . .although not a good comfort zone, but at least a predictable one . . . you are saying "no" to the PTSD; you are engaging in reclaiming your life . . . it is a process so there are no quick fixes . . . I do not suffer from PTSD but my anxiety has taught me to take one day at a time . . . I have had lucid dreams and, in the beginning, they scared me to no end until I realized that this was part of me telling me that I had unresolved issues . . . .confusing words and stuttering are also very familiar to me but as I progressed in managing my anxiety (I hesitate to say cured because I still have events) my brain started to heal and many of the symptoms lessened and quite a few have disappeared . . .those which have stayed are my early warning system that I need to take a step back and rebalance myself . . . for now, I hope that you will feel comfortable in coming to this forum, asking questions, suggesting answers to our questions and we all have something to contribute to each other, or just saying hello and checking in . . . .we will do anything we can to help you as you start your recovery and you will recover . . . .you are no more of a monster than any of us and we don't consider ourselves to be monsters . . .take care, kc
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Offline Nicole8712

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Re: Please help me to not feel so alone...
« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2014, 02:26:18 PM »
What you're describing sounds very much like my boyfriend who has PTSD. The nightmares, pushing people away, odd and random physical pains and sensations and flashbacks. I'm obviously not a doctor but I used to work in two different mental health clinics as a case manager. The guilt and feeling like a monster is something the people with PTSD would often describe. I myself experience guilt for my panic disorder and anxiety, like I am a failure and an embarrassment to those around me. I believe it is part of the brain changes after experiencing a trauma. The good thing is our brains can form new connections and pathways over time to help rewrite the overwhelming feelings associated with these memories. You are not alone and there is hope.
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