I am a 38 year old mother of three - including twins. They are wonderful kids. I have a wonderful husband. We have a wonderful house.
But I am consumed daily with anxiety that I am not good enough as a mother, a wife, and a worker. SO I am here.
I have struggled with anxiety since the birth of my twins - they are now 6. I struggled mostly at night with sleep, but it started creeping into the day. Things were managed by medicine (lexapro and occasional xanax) until 2012 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Stage 3.
I fought the battle successfully, and went through 18 months of chemo, radiation, a double mastectomy, and reconstruction. Ironically, I didn't feel as anxious through all of that as I do now - maybe it's residual.
My body chemistry changed, my body itself no longer could keep up, but I thought I was ready to go back to work last August 2013 and I took a sales role - which I have never done before.
This spring has been my undoing. I have been on tamoxifen (an anti cancer drug you take for 10 years after breast cancer) and I have started having side effects: night sweats, insomnia, weight loss. I also have had a massive increase of stress in my life with my job, my kids, a puppy, lack of good sleep, etc. I was increased on lexapro to 30mg and now have to take xanax 1/2 mg just to make it through the day.
I find myself unable to let go of anxieties about everything from my children's soccer teams to my work - which by the way is an awful fit for someone with anxiety - quotas, daily phone calls with VPs, etc. My stomach hurts. I want to cry or curl up in a ball, but I have to go on.
I am so glad to find myself a community where I can be open and brutally honest about my struggles. My husband doesn't understand the chemical component of this - only the situational - and is helping me work through that. I can't talk to my parents as my mother is bipolar and would want to either be here to "help" not a good idea as she's often in a manic state ... and my father remarried a woman who is, let's just say, also on meds.
I am seeing a new psychiatrist next week to see if I can tweak my medicines, and I have been working with a therapist - my latest struggle is to tell myself daily that I am good enough. And today, I am meeting with my boss to discuss a medical leave and role change - another terrifying thought but I think necessary at this point.
Any thoughts / advice / smiles and messages are appreciated. I do not know what changed in my body the last few months, or in my life to put me over the edge, but I have to get back. I can't live like this.
Thank you for being out there, supportive, and sharing your stories with me. I no longer feel as alone.