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Offline Myocdragon

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Re: please help
« Reply #10 on: May 20, 2014, 12:18:26 PM »
Andrea,
Intrusive thoughts are the worst. And what everyone has said here is really great. I'm currently on day 42 of Prozac. My intrusive thoughts led to major depression starting in mid march. I'd never had them so severely before. It was a few weeks before I started the meds (I started them the day I got them, it just took awhile to get a pdoc appt) and then several weeks to start feeling better at all. Every single day I'd count, "Okay, day 17 and I'm not better. Will this ever work?" And so on.

I have kids and a wife and I promised myself I wouldn't harm myself for their sakes, but I was in such pain I wished a safe would fall on me or something.

Between three and four weeks in, I started feeling better. I'm now on week 6 and I've felt much better for weeks, though it's not all great. I still snap back from time to time, but it's never as bad as it was, and frankly I think it's more a part of PTSD from the experience than it is the OCD.

Meds and therapy can work. Stick with it. And keep in mind that it's a temporary condition. When you feel hopeless and like you'll feel bad forever, remember that you won't. OCD is a permanent condition, true, but you can manage it and you will feel much much better. And in a much shorter time than you think.

Good luck, keep up the meds, and know you're not crazy, it's just OCD messing with you.
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I'm not crazy, I've just lost my mind

Offline andrea34

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Re: please help
« Reply #11 on: May 20, 2014, 03:00:43 PM »
Myocdragon,
Your message couldn't have come at a better time. I had a good day yesterday and today I'm feeling really yucky. I am experiencing some depersonalization along with the intrusive thoughts so out makes the fear that much stronger. Ugh. This is day seven of the citalopram. The feelings that the thoughts bring are so scary. It just shakes me up so bad. I try and just float with them, but it is really difficult for me. I've never known anyone who has these kind of thoughts. I think it's the feeling of not being here that makes the intrusive thought of losing touch with reality or that maybe I already have that much worse.
I so appreciate your post. It means so much.
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Offline Myocdragon

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Re: please help
« Reply #12 on: May 20, 2014, 05:15:46 PM »
I'm glad I could help in a small way. The two most important things for you to keep in mind are that:
Thoughts aren't reality
and
It's temporary

The OCD is not you. It's like a virus. It lives in your mind and it feeds off your anxiety. So what it does is it constantly searches for thoughts and triggers that it can explode and make you miserable. But none of it is real. And it's not that you're going crazy or whatever, it's that all your thoughts get filtered through the OCD, so it gets to choose how you experience them, how you interpret them. I knew a woman who was absolutely convinced she was going to go crazy and poison her baby. The thought of her losing control and doing it made her sick and miserable. Now, of course she would NEVER do it, it was her OCD making her think that it was a possibility, which fueled her anxiety and made her miserable, which made the OCD fat and happy. The only treatment is to learn to starve the OCD, which is possible, and meds and therapy help. And let me make it absolutely clear, you WILL starve it out. It will get small and weak and you'll be able to laugh at it in a few months. It won't ever fully go away because no human can ever fully get rid of anxiety and regret and fear, but once you learn to recognize a thought as an OCD thought, it's much easier to dismiss. For me, OCD thoughts actually make my head feel different, like it's burning a little. I stare off into ***** and get lost in an anxious thought as though I were having a really powerful daydream. But I shake my head and say, "That's just an OCD thought," and I try my best to ignore it. It works, sometimes better than others, but it does work.

I also carry around my little plastic lizard. When I first met my pdoc I described my OCD as a sleeping dragon that roars to life when it senses a tiny bit of anxiety. He said that we're going to take that dragon, and make him a little lizard. I mentioned this to my mother in law and she sent me the little lizard that's pictured in my avatar. My pdoc loved it and said that whenever I have an OCD thought, I should take out the lizard, set him on my desk and say, sarcastically, "Really? This is what you want me to think about? Really?!" It seems silly, but that's the point. Don't treat your OCD with any respect. Make fun of it. Attack it with silliness. Find a stupid little thing that can act as your OCD and carry it with you and be silly with it. Make it a joke. Eventually it'll be a joke.

OCD is a long road that goes up and down. It's muddy, and slippery, and sometimes you think you've reached the end only to find out two weeks later that you have more climbing to do. Try not to get too discouraged. Remember what Christopher Robin said to Pooh, "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

And also, you're not alone. Ever.
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I'm not crazy, I've just lost my mind

Offline andrea34

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Re: please help
« Reply #13 on: May 20, 2014, 06:22:08 PM »
You are a Godsend, Myocdragon! You have helped me in a great way. Thank you for reaching out and taking the time to help. I'm definitely going to try and find something that I can use to represent my ocd. Not sure what yet, but I'm sure I can find something.

You are very informative and you have a wise way of helping. I hope you're doing well! :-)
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Offline Myocdragon

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Re: please help
« Reply #14 on: May 20, 2014, 11:55:24 PM »
That's sweet. I'm glad I could help, and I'm sorry you're going through it. I'm doing so much better than I was and I know you will be too. It just takes time. Oh, and I forgot to mention that all the thoughts you have that try to rationalize away your OCD thoughts, those are OCD thoughts too. You don't HAVE to think any of it. The OCD creates a closed logic loop where every time you think you have a rational response to one of your intrusive thoughts, that's actually being filtered through the OCD as well, so every time you think, "I'm not X because of Y!" Your OCD responds by saying, "Oh, Only people who are Y would be X because of the following examples from your life!" You don't owe your intrusive thoughts a response. Think of them like a drunk ex boyfriend you had 10 years ago, or however long ago is long for you,  who called you up in the middle of the night to tell you how you ruined his life. You don't owe him anything. You don't have to talk to him at all. Just hang up. He's not trying to help you make sense of your life, he's just trying to ruin your night because he's a jerk. That's OCD. You don't owe it anything.


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I'm not crazy, I've just lost my mind

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