I'm writing this while I sit here sobbing... It's a beautiful day outside and it's the start of the weekend. Everyone is outside enjoying the weather and freedom while I have just spent the last 5 hours locked in my room on the internet, searching about my 'risk'. Tomorrow I have free tickets to the baseball game for my boyfriend and two of our friends.. I should be happy and excited. That thought just makes me sob even harder because I am absolutely not happy at all. I don't even know where to start on explaining what's going on. I guess I should begin at the beginning of this particular obsession I've had since around February..
So I was taking a phlebotomy class and one day we were discussing blood borne pathogens, particularly HIV. The longer we talked about it the more my mind began latching onto the idea. Formulating this fear. I have had two sexual partners in my whole life. #2 is my current boyfriend. The love of my life. My savior basically. #1 was my ex boyfriend who abused me, cheated on me, and basically made my life a living hell for 3 years. Anyways, I started thinking about how stupid I was for never getting tested after we broke up. Who knew what he could have contracted during those times he cheated on me!?! I left school that day in a state of extreme anxiety that only turned MUCH MUCH WORSE by nightfall. It was so bad that I begged my mom, crying and embarrassed, to take me to the store for a rapid HIV test. She was very surprised by my fear but took me and held my hand while we waited for the results. Negative. I felt enough relief that I could sleep that night but it was short lived. By the next day my panic was back as I searched the internet for hours on end about false negatives, accuracy, and any other complication you could assume an at home test could possibly bring. A few days later I scheduled a doctors appointment for "anxiety and depression" according to my parents. But my true intentions deep down were to ask the doctor for a blood test and just get some drugs that I could use to take the edge off while I waited for the results. I went to the doctors and she prescribed me zoloft and xanax along with a blood test for my hiv 'risk'. The following two days I spent in a drugged out, miserable haze waiting for results. They came back, of course, negative. I felt relief for about one day but then it all came crashing down on me again. I began questioning whether or not the people working in the lab put the correct name on the results. Or what if the medical secretary called the wrong person by mistake? What if they called me back saying there was a mix up and I needed to come in to discuss my true results of my test with a doctor? I returned to phlebotomy class with these new worries hanging over my head. That day we were doing capillary draws. A girl was performing one on me and as I looked down at the blood (something that had NEVER bothered me before) I began to feel sick and the next thing I knew I was on the floor, passed out. An ambulance came to take me to the hospital because my blood pressure was so low. While in the van, my next 'risk' occurred. The woman performed a glucose test on my finger but she did not use gloves. I thought nothing of it at the time but once I was home that night I starting freaking out, worrying that she had infected me with HIV.......... So for the last two months that has been my fear. It doesn't help that I've been sick TWICE since then with a sore throat, congestion, and fever. I was starting to regain my sanity though up until today. I am currently sick (again) and decided it was time to go to the doctors and get it checked out. While I was there the nurse did a strep culture which really irritated my throat. I asked for some water and drank it all. Once she left the room I needed more water so I went and filled my cup up in the sink that was in the room. I'm sure you can guess where my newest fear has been born. Now I am sitting here, less than 5 hours later in HYSTERICS worried that I may have drank some diluted HIV infected blood that was leftover on the freaking sink.
I am so upset, so scared, so paranoid. Deep down inside I know all of this is SO IRRATIONAL and crazy. I know I need mental help but I don't even have a job right now and no money at all. I can't afford therapy. I just want these thoughts to disappear. I feel like my mind is split into two people. There is 'me' somewhere in there and then there is this new person, this insane paranoid wreck of a person who believes these delusional thoughts that keep springing up. The real me is being pushed aside and the new one is in the forefront, controlling my thoughts and making me believe I have been infected. I'm sorry that this was so long.... I literally have no one to talk to about this. My parents don't know, my friends definitely don't. My boyfriend doesn't even know. I don't want any of them to see how crazy I am. I know that they couldn't possibly understand. It doesn't help that I sit at home alone all day because I'm currently unemployed and now out of school. My bf and I are having problems because I've been so withdrawn and irritable lately. My parents are so fed up with me because I still haven't found work. I am late on my bills and owe my dad 750 dollars. Everything is just such a mess and I am in no mental state to deal with any of it. I just need a hug so bad
I wish I knew what was going on with my mind right now and I wish therapy wasn't so damn expensive so I could have someone to talk to. I feel so trapped... I don't know how to make any of this less 'real', despite the fact that I know deep down it is all just in my head. I have a history of mental illness to begin with and have been through a lot in my 23 years of life so far. Up until Febuary though I've been 'dealing with it' alone. Hardly a soul knows much about me in that regard. Even my boyfriend only knows bits and pieces. Somebody please help me, words of encouragement, anything
I think I'm finally losing it.