I really don't feel well. I am 47 years old and I am growing very weary. I have struggled with psychological issues my whole life stemming from the physical and psychological abuse, and neglect from the alcoholic monster that impregnated my mother. Never a friendly smile, only fear. I honestly cannot recollect any happy feelings associated with him. I had never seen any help until when recently my mother passed away. I had always just toughed it out. I returned home from the first vacation I had ever had in my life ( I have always been poor ), to hear news of my mother's illness. Within a span of a two months my mom had passed, my relationship of almost ten years was in crisis, two dearly beloved pets died, and a fellow employee where I worked levelled serious accusations (dismissed by a human rights tribunal) which undermined the 5 years of hard work and respect that I had earned with my boss. I suffered a major depression. I hesitantly tried some medications which rendered me useless, I lost my job. I was alone, and in severe emotional distress. I went to the emergency ward, a bawling, confused, suicidal mess. I managed to pull through with the help of a psychologist assigned to me through a government program. That was three years ago.
I have peeled back some of the layers of depression to get at the root of it all which would appear to be anxiety. GAD or SAD, or both, take your pick, although I have not had a diagnosis from a professional as I cannot afford one. I don't feel I ever fully recovered from my major depression. A good day for me is blah, I don't smile much, hardly ever laugh, I don't really enjoy anything, and everything is an effort. I just sit and look out the window at the flowers and birds like the Hollywood stereotype crazy person in the asylum. Everything irritates me, noises, machinery, cars, garbage, people talking, dogs that bark too much, sirens. It all gets me down, and there isn't enough that gets me up to balance it out. I feel I am slipping back into the abyss. I hate this backwards dysfunctional world we as humans have created.
How's that for an introduction?