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Author Topic: Hello  (Read 63 times)

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Offline HappyHappyJoyJoy

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Hello
« on: May 15, 2014, 11:49:18 PM »
I really don't feel well. I am 47 years old and I am growing very weary. I have struggled with psychological issues my whole life stemming from the physical and psychological abuse, and neglect from the alcoholic monster that impregnated my mother. Never a friendly smile, only fear. I honestly cannot recollect any happy feelings associated with him. I had never seen any help until when recently my mother passed away. I had always just toughed it out. I returned home from the first vacation I had ever had in my life ( I have always been poor ), to hear news of my mother's illness. Within a span of a two months my mom had passed, my relationship of almost ten years was in crisis, two dearly beloved pets died, and a fellow employee where I worked levelled serious accusations (dismissed by a human rights tribunal) which undermined the 5 years of hard work and respect that I had earned with my boss. I suffered a major depression. I hesitantly tried some medications which rendered me useless, I lost my job. I was alone, and in severe emotional distress. I went to the emergency ward, a bawling, confused, suicidal mess. I managed to pull through with the help of a psychologist assigned to me through a government program. That was three years ago.

I have peeled back some of the layers of depression to get at the root of it all which would appear to be anxiety. GAD or SAD, or both, take your pick, although I have not had a diagnosis from a professional as I cannot afford one. I don't feel I ever fully recovered from my major depression. A good day for me is blah, I don't smile much, hardly ever laugh, I don't really enjoy anything, and everything is an effort. I just sit and look out the window at the flowers and birds like the Hollywood stereotype crazy person in the asylum. Everything irritates me, noises, machinery, cars, garbage, people talking, dogs that bark too much, sirens. It all gets me down, and there isn't enough that gets me up to balance it out. I feel I am slipping back into the abyss. I hate this backwards dysfunctional world we as humans have created.

How's that for an introduction?
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Hello
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2014, 09:28:33 AM »
Welcome to the forum. Good to have you as a member. Here you are with like minded people. People who understand. As we all suffer from something or other. So feel free to ask any questions. Our members are always willing to help others out. Good chatroom too. 3 posts to enter the room.

Find the correct section of the forum that suits your condition and create a new topic on it. This is just a welcome section. Never really get the same amount of help in this section as you would on the other sections of the forums. So whatever one suits the questions you are asking. Get much better answers.
All users of the chatroom must be 18 years old or over. The room is off limits to anybody under the age of 18.
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The Lovable Irish Rogue

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Re: Hello
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2014, 09:51:31 AM »
Welcome! ,You may want to look into an organization called give an hour . org.  They offer free counseling to those who cannot afford it through psychiatric docs who donate their time.  It sounds like therapy would be the best choice for you since you don't tolerate meds well.  Although...what meds were you on if you don't mind my asking?  We all have unique body chemistry so what works for some may not work for all.

I am sorry your male genetic donor was a jerk.  I was lucky enough to be raised by a very wise and loving grandmother but my first boyfriend was my undoing.  Let's just say that after two rapes and a long battle with anorexia I finally sought help.  My high school guidance counselor was an amazing woman and with her help I made peace with my past and emerged stronger for it.  That was nineteen years ago and I am now happily married with my own business.

Bottom line is this:  you are not alone, there is help out there even if you have to dig a bit for it, and you can conquer this.  Good luck, hang in there, and feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to!
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Offline HappyHappyJoyJoy

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Re: Hello
« Reply #3 on: May 16, 2014, 12:04:08 PM »
Thanks for listening folks, I'll try to be a little more positive with this post. I just woke up, so I have a small window of semi-normality before the world comes crashing in. Yesterday's introduction was a very 'in the moment' post, I had just recently been talking with my sister about the prospect of filing a report with the RCMP against the 'Ogre' since there is no statue of limitations on child abuse here in Canada. It was my poor mother that came up with that name, and she was a sweet, caring woman that wouldn't hurt a fly who turned to a religious group for her support when I was 13.

I have a small gardening business and I try to encourage people to grow edible gardens that benefit the environment. Ideally it allows me to work when I can without the stress of having to be held accountable to some boss who inevitably either does not understand mood disorders or does not care. Previously, I worked for many years as a cook. So I eat really well, and I work outside in the fresh air. I don't drink alcohol much, a twelve pack of beer will easily last over a month in my fridge. I can't remember the meds I tried, but after seeing a naturopathic doctor I take rhodiola and L-tyrosine supplements to help boost my mental stamina. On the negative side I smoke from 5-10 cigarettes a day, they are my 'friends'. It's nasty and I abhor it as I was raised on second hand smoke, but they are however, always there when I need them. I don't really have any friends at all. I have an old childhood friend who lives in Seattle and is quite successful and very busy, so we can't just hang out. I don't make friends very easily at all, not these days. I am generally very quiet, and shy. I don't trust people. It has taken me a few months from discovering this site to actually summon the courage to join and post.
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