I honestly do not know what to do anymore, I am a 21 year old male and I have told my story before, I grew up in care homes, moving around very often being fostered, then got adopted, put back in care, lost of trouble with the police, and a good few horrible horrible women in my life, been screwed over by many and had many of tough times, dad use to leave me on my own coping with people trying to break in, fighting at school and problems there, being homeless more times than I care to remember, man if I could explain everything in my life I could write 10 fucking books! I don't even know how I am still standing but life is a fight I guess!!!!
I manage to master my anxiety and attacks for almost 3 years, and recently it has been a slow and long painful walk.
I do a lot of work on the computer so I am always at it, rarely out and lately my thoughts of death have been coming back, I have the most amazing woman ever now and I am settled, good flat, money is fine, business doing well, nothing except my own mind is causing a problem.
It started with thinking about dying and how scary it is, and it went from there and the last 2 weeks have been hell, I have had to sleep on the sofa to feel safer, I don't feel safe in bed I feel like I will not wake up, some times over 48 hours I Had 3 and 4 hours sleep my body could literally not take it anymore I felt like passing out, yet I was so worked up scared and emotional I just wouldnt go to sleep no way
Then I have been very stressed with business expanding, work being demanding, life in itself and everything maybe I am stressed I could not say, but I work a full time job from home and run a business have our own place etc
So far it has been, stomach cancer, colon cancer?, collapsed bowel, brain tumor, heart attack, throat cancer, lung cancer, neck cancer and anything else I can think of.
I have been constipated, had stomach pains then runs then stomach is fine then its my head then its my lungs or then it is something else like virtigo which I have had for a few days and today I was like meh this is my imagination and surprise I dont have it no more!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL SO ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED AND SO EMOTIONAL I CANNOT TAKE THIS NO MORE
last night my throat looked brown at the back and had white in it and that freaked me, was in tears for maybe an hour, had to wake my gf up I cried to her and eventually relaxed and we talked and she went back to sleep
now today I had virtigo all day until now where I think I Have a lump in my neck and it is cancer and still worrying about my throat, I have had no cigarette for near 26 hours after the throat cancer scare and my heart seems better so I am going to try keep to it, I also had changed my diet over 2 weeks ago, we are eating tons of vedge and fruit, no takeaways and aavoiding red meat and takeaways full stop, lots of water and no pop we have totally changed our diets and I also started tredmill but done maybe 30 mins this week as mentally it has been very tough
I honestly sit here and I do not know what to do anymore, endless nights I wake my partner up and cry, endless nights I am in tears and bits lost what to do, endless nights and days on end I sit there saying I am going to die soon I know it, everything is perfect which nnever happens for me so somethings going to kill me and ruin it all !! I have had thoughts of ***** at one point last month which was s oreal I felt like I was going to go and actually do it, I am so lost and I cant sleep at night, I cannot sleep I am scared I will not wake and I work till midnight so its hard to go sleep earlier with my partner I feel so lost and helpless and I have never felt this way before, but it is so strong lately I was eating tea earlier and broke down in tears just starting to eat it, this thing has worn me to the ground
But I remember a lot of this being the same 4 years ago when I first started with anxiety and managed to combat it I have had symptoms all time, when I worried my throat had cancer my throat hurt for 8 hours, then I thought was my appendix my stomach hurt I cannot say what is real and what is not anymore, I want a nornmal life, I want to sleep, I want to feel happy with myself and make my partner happy, I want it all to go away cause I cannot take this no more and I do not know what to do please I am so sorry for such a massive post but i am so messed up i am a disaster a wreck lately
my gf who has had a lot of experience with her family and cancer says cancer does not have symptoms or pain usually it is a silent killer? So all these things are not a sign of cancer and she says its so rare at a young age and that it is just in my mind which I sort of believe but I cannot shake my worries easy