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Author Topic: please help me :(  (Read 126 times)

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Offline paulipopz

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please help me :(
« on: May 14, 2014, 09:12:38 PM »
I honestly do not know what to do anymore, I am a 21 year old male and I have told my story before, I grew up in care homes, moving around very often being fostered, then got adopted, put back in care, lost of trouble with the police, and a good few horrible horrible women in my life, been screwed over by many and had many of tough times, dad use to leave me on my own coping with people trying to break in, fighting at school and problems there, being homeless more times than I care to remember, man if I could explain everything in my life I could write 10 fucking books! I don't even know how I am still standing but life is a fight I guess!!!!

I manage to master my anxiety and attacks for almost 3 years, and recently it has been a slow and long painful walk.

I do a lot of work on the computer so I am always at it, rarely out and lately my thoughts of death have been coming back, I have the most amazing woman ever now and I am settled, good flat, money is fine, business doing well, nothing except my own mind is causing a problem.

It started with thinking about dying and how scary it is, and it went from there and the last 2 weeks have been hell, I have had to sleep on the sofa to feel safer, I don't feel safe in bed I feel like I will not wake up, some times over 48 hours I Had 3 and 4 hours sleep my body could literally not take it anymore I felt like passing out, yet I was so worked up scared and emotional I just wouldnt go to sleep no way

Then I have been very stressed with business expanding, work being demanding, life in itself and everything maybe I am stressed I could not say, but I work a full time job from home and run a business have our own place etc
So far it has been, stomach cancer, colon cancer?, collapsed bowel, brain tumor, heart attack, throat cancer, lung cancer, neck cancer and anything else I can think of.

I have been constipated, had stomach pains then runs then stomach is fine then its my head then its my lungs or then it is something else like virtigo which I have had for a few days and today I was like meh this is my imagination and surprise I dont have it no more!!!!!!!!!!!!! I FEEL SO ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED AND SO EMOTIONAL I CANNOT TAKE THIS NO MORE

last night my throat looked brown at the back and had white in it and that freaked me, was in tears for maybe an hour, had to wake my gf up I cried to her and eventually relaxed and we talked and she went back to sleep

now today I had virtigo all day until now where I think I Have a lump in my neck and it is cancer and still worrying about my throat, I have had no cigarette for near 26 hours after the throat cancer scare and my heart seems better so I am going to try keep to it, I also had changed my diet over 2 weeks ago, we are eating tons of vedge and fruit, no takeaways and aavoiding red meat and takeaways full stop, lots of water and no pop we have totally changed our diets and I also started tredmill but done maybe 30 mins this week as mentally it has been very tough

I honestly sit here and I do not know what to do anymore, endless nights I wake my partner up and cry, endless nights I am in tears and bits lost what to do, endless nights and days on end I sit there saying I am going to die soon I know it, everything is perfect which nnever happens for me so somethings going to kill me and ruin it all !! I have had thoughts of ***** at one point last month which was s oreal I felt like I was going to go and actually do it, I am so lost and I cant sleep at night, I cannot sleep I am scared I will not wake and I work till midnight so its hard to go sleep earlier with my partner I feel so lost and helpless and I have never felt this way before, but it is so strong lately I was eating tea earlier and broke down in tears just starting to eat it, this thing has worn me to the ground

But I remember a lot of this being the same 4 years ago when I first started with anxiety and managed to combat it I have had symptoms all time, when I worried my throat had cancer my throat hurt for 8 hours, then I thought was my appendix my stomach hurt I cannot say what is real and what is not anymore, I want a nornmal life, I want to sleep, I want to feel happy with myself and make my partner happy, I want it all to go away cause I cannot take this no more and I do not know what to do please I am so sorry for such a massive post but i am so messed up i am a disaster a wreck lately

my gf who has had a lot of experience with her family and cancer says cancer does not have symptoms or pain usually it is a silent killer? So all these things are not a sign of cancer and she says its so rare at a young age and that it is just in my mind which I sort of believe but I cannot shake my worries easy
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Offline paulipopz

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Re: please help me :(
« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2014, 09:15:40 PM »
I forgot to mention my gf's dad's wife has lung cancer which came back a month or two ago and I dont know if this has contributed to my fears but they also had a grandma which had it but they got rid of it
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Offline lilmsflynn

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Re: please help me :(
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2014, 06:51:58 PM »
I really wish I could help you, I sincerely know how awful it is. I am finally at 41 in the best relationship of my life and I have completely fell apart. I am convinced I am dying and have spent so much time in the hospital lately convinced I have a serious illness and death is imminent. My mind cannot decide what I have I just know something is waiting to get me. I am currently convinced its bowel or stomach cancer, can't eat or drink as I'm in constant pain. I actually feel like I'm insane as I am convinced I can literally feel myself dying. I cannot sleep either I doze of from exhaustion and something makes my head feel like it's popping at wakes me straight up again and again. It is absolute hell. I was stressed for years in two very very abusive relationships and I finally have things good and it's all going to *****. I cry constantly , need reassurance all the time and pace back and forth thinking I'm about to drop dead. I google nonstop about my symptoms when I shouldn't , fixate on every tiny sensation in my body . I have such extreme anxiety I now completely space out my body becomes like lead and I feel detached and unreal. I so wish I could help you but just know you are not alone. There is someone else out there feeling the same . I couldn't leave you to feel alone. Pls message me if you need to talk . Take care x
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Offline mollyfin

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Re: please help me :(
« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2014, 08:27:36 PM »
Quitting smoking and changing your diet for the better are good calls - your health will be better in the long run and you'll give yourself less to worry about.

I will tell you that at 21 you're not going to be getting cancer from smoking.  My dad did get throat and lung cancer from smoking (and heavy drinking) - in his 60s, after 40-something years of heavy smoking!  And I think my dad was on the younger end of the spectrum for those diseases, though I may be wrong.  So if you were 70, I'd say yeah, get it checked out just in case.  At 21?  No.

Stomach issues are super-common with anxiety - which you know you have.  Have you spoken to doctors about all your worries?  What have they recommended you do?
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Offline paulipopz

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Re: please help me :(
« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2014, 06:14:32 AM »
Thanks everyone, I am feeling some what better but now I am either dizzy, spaced or have virtigo and have had it 4 days now and I am freaking it is cancer

I had it years ago when I had terrible anxiety, had it a few months ago too and it went away the other day, then it is back, I am so afraid of it and wondering what it is
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