My name is David, ive just turned 23 and i am suffering from severe stress and anxiety and i would love to have your opinions and somebody to talk to about this, my girlfriend doesnt understand what im going through and i live with somebody i dont really talk to so its been quite a lonely experience. If i can get this all of my chest now i think it would make me feel a littler better, sorry about the detail but perhaps it will help you be able to diagnose me and understand me better.
When i was a 7 years old, my parents broke up with a really messy divorce, my mum suffered from severe anxiety as my dad would threaten to have her tied up and abduct me and my sister to his home country, he threatened this on numerous occasions. I guess i cant really blame her, she would call up all airports to ensure i wouldnt be able to leave the country and there was constant fear and stress as he eventually hid all his belongings and made us grow up in poverty. As this was going on, the fear and stress that i could see my mother going through would scare me, eventually the gear she had of my dad grew into me, sometimes he would come to our window to see me and my sister and i would run away behind the sofa or hide under the window, i was scared of him and my heart would race. I didnt pay much attention to this during my teenage years, until i came across a document when cleaning out a spare room from my parents counseller during the divorce, in the statement it said my mother had instilled fear into the kids and that her anxiety was very much affecting us.
When i was 18 (living with my mum only) i went to university, i was extremely social and outgoing and was loving every minute of it(minus the work), i didnt have the best attitude, i smoked alot of pot with friends and generally didnt really care about anything. Infact a girlfriend of mine whilst at university use to say my favourite phrase was i dont care. This happened one day as i did have anxiety building whilst at home but i just decided that if i didnt care about anything then my brain could truly chill out, and it worked! Throughout the whole of uni i was carefree and didnt suffer much stress or anxiety until the final moments...
Being from a poor single parent family, i decided to go to uni on a whim, i went with zero money and didnt get my loan through till april, which ment that i was severly in debt(overdrafts) before i could even afford to get to my halls, this worried me a little, by the end of uni had 2 maxxed out overdrafts, what happened next was alot to take.... In final year i shared a house with 5 friends and i was the lead tenant in the property as i had arranged the house, to cut a long story short, we were paying estimated bills instead of actuals but we didnt find out until we moved out, when they read out meter we were hit with a £2000 bill in my name, safe to say all my so called friends deleted me off ***** and blocked my number. My mum would start getting th threatening letters from baliffs and it was causing her extreme stress, she was also suffering from cancer at this point, which angered and upset me greatly.
I graduated with an average degree, and a bunch of debt i couldnt pay off, i didnt know what to do, i kept running away from my debts and trying to put it out of my mind as they were driving me crazy if i let myself think about it. i eventually did an internship for a year and now finally i have landed myself a good job with a decent starting salary and i can start facing my debts again.
Now im not sure weather facing them again is giving me the anxiety or if its something else, i also recently moved in with my girlfriends sister, just me and her, (as i didnt have money to put down for a deposit) and she is so OCD about everything, the tiniest scratch on a pan or mark on the floor would then mean a nasty text or a note being left. I started to avoid her, i dont know why, shes not scary at all in person, i feel like im constantly being judged and i am now going mad about a small spill that i cant get off the floor or off of a pan, and im doing alot of housework ( i use to be very messy at uni) I feel like i cant relax when i get home and i hope every time i turn the key she isnt in the front room.
Having secured this great job i went through 4 stressful interviews and im now delighted to be working here but im so scared that this stress and anxiety i am facing is going to ruin my hard work of getting there as i cant seem to function anymore.
In order to get this opportunity i turned into a WORKAHOLIC, i would never switch off, i would never allow myself any time off, i became a productivity superhero. I would stop watching series, i would not allot myself to sit with friends and chat as i was worried that i could be doing something more productive at the time, like finding a new opportunity, earning some money, or learning a new skill. All night id be up looking or trying to learn and i think i completely mentally exhausted myself, i believe i brainwashed myself to say that if i didnt do this then i would never be successful with an average degree and would never be able to pay off those scary debts. Anyway, it worked as it got me a good job but now i feel like i can only give 50% of brain power to what im capable of because of this horrible mist in the mind. Ive started facing these debts again and calling up the debt agencies shitting myself that they ma have escalated higher and higher over the years as they couldnt find me, im unsure weather facing these again is the reason of my severe anxiety.
For the record i barely smoke pot anymore.
Brain Fog: By far and away the WORST sympton ive had, i feel like i am in a daze all of the time, i sometimes try to shake my head to snap out of it but it never works, i struggle to remember what people say to me at work, i struggle to solve any type of cognative problem, and fade in and fade out of zoning out within seconds of sitting on a train, not even having any thoughts just a daze. This has really scared me, previously my mind use to always be racing with ideas and a love for life. Im so scared that this will ruin this amazing opportunty that i have worked so hard far, i beleive this is a vicious circle as the stress from worrying about this goes round and round.
I convinced myself recently that i had Hepatitus, i also ran away from that, decided that not getting tested was better as id rather not know, but it drove me mad, i thought everything was pointless however succesful i was as i had Hep. This is how my brain fog first started, i couldnt get this thought out of my brain and kept bringing it up to everyone, i eventually got tested and everything came through negative much to my relief.
Extremely irritable over the littlest of things, a stain on my top would drive me a insane, a scuff on my new shoes also, i think this is because i know i wouldnt be able to afford a new one and how unfair that things like this happen.
Crazy dreams, these have subsided abit now but i was getting really crazy dreams involving death and losing my belongings.
Rumination Syndrome, ive had this since i was a kid and as long as i can remember, i think it was due to my parents breaking up and as the counseller said the anxity and stress i as the youngest child was put through, recently my teeth has started yellowing but i still cant stop bringing up my food, i know it sounds gross! Its a illness that isnt well documentated and i only recently finally managed to find out what it is, i then started getting very scared about oesphagus cancer(with my mum suffered from cancer) due to the acid going up and down my throat for 15 years or so. Thankfully (i hope) this is different to gastro-oesophageal reflux disease in that this happens voluntary, and it usually straight after the food is digested, i never get heartburn or pain and i beleive the food isnt acidic(or very small amount) when it happens.
Ill leave that there for now, thank you so much for taking your time out reading this and i would love to hear your thoughts and opinions and some constructive help to get me through this horrible state of mind.