i not been on here in years and can't really remember how to use it.
firstly, i am so sorry if i ramble on too long and hope i made it clear to read.
i am 24 years of age and since beginning of May, something that happened over 10years ago has like came back. i have started with panic attacks again (so far no way near as bad as when younger), cannot sleep, depression is creeping back, i don't really want to leave my house so it's so much hard work to get to town for my job, as well as the thoughts of self harming are getting louder. (they went quiet, never away, i could ignore them).
well over 10years ago, i was 13 and the lad who i had a crush on was 14 nearly 15, he found out i liked him and confronted me. we started going out with each. i lost my virginity to him and him to me, we both wanted to. after so many months of being with him, in school my friends were taking mess out of me for being with him and they asked if we did it. i didn't respond. they said did it hurt first time. i didn't respond. they started being silly. but i still didn't answer their questions, it was no one else's business. after class, they was talking about me having sex with him and a teacher overheard. i got in the office and like questioned about it, to be told it's wrong and it was rape. with the teacher saying rape, i burst out crying and my feelings went everywhere, seeing my boyfriend at lunch hour was awkward as i kept thinking he raped me. that evening when got home, the teacher had contacted my parents and they was crying their eyes out and then police got involved.
police getting involved, and they kept saying even during sex if i said no, stop, don't want to do this, it hurts and he continues then it is rape. to which i said the first time it did hurt and i told him and he said it does the first time. and like some time afterwards when i mentioned to him it hurting, he said could be because i wasn't relaxed enough. police said it was rape then. and that rape is often by someone who we know.
it all seemed to go out of control. i didn't like it at all. the way he was getting treat. i got known in school as the girl that got raped. i told other classmates to stop hurting him and to leave him alone. no one did.
i felt helpless about the whole situation. no one seemed to listen to me. and i eventually got it in to my head what he did was rape me. he got done for under-age sex.
when i was 16 i like broke down, depression kicked in big time, my mum told me to get a grip. so felt like couldn't talk to anyone.
age 18 i started self-harming: cutting my arms, legs and belly with anything i could. drink a lot of alcohol so i could cut deeper. no one knew til my dad realised blood seeping through cardigan. once again told by mum to get a grip.
a girl who became close to me did start to help me with the self harming, until she got like a fetish over me doing it, so she would knock my confidence a lot so i would cut lightly and then she could put bandges on me. when i realised what she was like, friendship stopped and the self harming went down a lot. still did it now and again.
from age 21 self harming stopped but not the thoughts. i met a lad, still with him (now married) and i do love him and i told him after couple of months when started seeing him that i got raped when was younger as my family kept asking me if he knows and he needs to know. (i had one boyfriend beforehand when age 17-18).
10years later and the whole events from him telling me he knows i like him to him being treat like rubbish by other people even though i told them to stop has all came back to me. he was innocent. it is bugging me like mad that i cannot tell anyone and i do believe it is causing all the stress for me at the moment.
i just want to tell him that i never said he raped me.
shall i contact him and let him know? or leave it?
thank you for any thoughts and responses.