22 (female) no friends, no love life... or anything.
Been dealing with an emotional and mental abusive family.. where there has been nothing but control.
I've been programmed to believe that no one will ever love me... and that my siblings are better than me. My mom and stepdad worships my siblings and has no interest in my life. They feel as if my happiness isn't necessary and that I need to focus on staying in the house 24/7 and be the person they want me to be.
I sit in the house and think 24/7... I am trapped in my mind. I have no insurance to go see a therapist. No job, only about $200 saved, no car (but can drive and do have license). It's so hard to feel like nothing they say about is true... I feel handicapped. My siblings have more than me... and my parents has always made sure that they were set in life. But no one ever gave me a chance... I was born a failure. After high school my plans for college got shut down and I got guilt tripped and made to believe college wasn't for me. Everyone tell me that I am pretty, smart, kind hearted, and all of that... but they have no clue how much I am hurting. Sometimes I just be wanting to leave... but I have no car, where am I going to go. I feel stuck, trapped and obligated. I am smart, far from naive, funny, do any and everything for my family... so, I never understood why my parents/family fail me.
I want to move out of state for college and start a new life... but I am never ablw to get a job to save because I have no transportation and no one will lend me a ride... because It's not necessary i work.
Why should I have to feel like this? No one will probably ever love me? I will never make it to college.... want a job... but what If I never find one even if I do make it out of this house? I have not one friend, mainly because they never want anyone close to me... and make me feel like I don't deserve a good friend. I probably be lonely forever. My mom basically told me that God made me to be there for them and that some people is not meant to live their own lives. And, maybe I am one of them.
How do I break the depression? I'm not suicidal at all... but I am awaiting on the day I die. What's the point of living a life that's not for you? Has anyone ever made it out of depression? I know I think too hard... my mind jumps from one thing to another within seconds. I have really bad ocd... I just felt like If it will be better if I wasn't in this environment. But I also feel like Depression is all I know... and probably couldn't function without these negative thoughts.