Hey everyone, my name is Jason currently 18 and I'm really not sure what kind of anxiety I have but really would like to overcome it
I'm going to start all the way back at the start, I've never really said this anywhere but here because I'm really not sure if anyone else has experienced something like this, ever since I was a kid about 10 I had my first panic attack, I'm not even sure if it was a panic attack but I would have this horrible feeling in my stomach, sometimes leaving school early because I just couldn't bare, even thinking back it was so horrible and no one helped or even knew how to help and here's why - I do remember clearly why it was brought on though, I used to believe that I was the only one with a Consciousness and that everyone else was a phillosopical zombie preprogrammed to react to me in a specific way. I would get scared to death just thinking about that fact that there is NO away that I can know that other people are conscious, and even to this day there I still think about it sometimes, what is life, why am I here. I would get really worried that no one else used to feel what I felt, the feeling of just being alive with my own thoughts, that I was alone in this universe, no one else but me with the ability to "feel" to "experience" Sometimes I go really deep with my thoughts, like really deep, just thinking about what is nothing, what was before the universe, does anything I do even matter in life, thinking about my own personallity, about what type of person I was, sometimes I would get right up close to my bathroom mirror and think to myself "what is this","how can this be real","what is reality" and even thoughts that I cant explain in words, - and even that would scare the hell out of me (and remember this was when I was around 10-15. I did have suicidal thoughts back then, but I don't think I would have ever done it, it was more that I wanted to know what happened after death and also to stop this horrible feeling that I was having everyday, I was just really scared and no one knew what was wrong with me, even to this day I do remember telling my parents about how I felt but they wouldn't really understand and neither would I, How was I suppost to explain how I thought, I do remember saying "what if I'm the only one" , "how do I know". I was trapped in my own body, my own mind, lonely, unable to share consciousness with another being. I really wish they sent me to a physiologist or something to help with my thoughts but they never did. They kept saying it was a phase and I would get though it, and I did get over it, sometimes for years at a time but it would always come back. I think a total of three episodes, one when I was 11ish, other 13ish and 15ish, all were bad, it just felt like constant panic attacks for weeks sometimes.
A few years later as I became older and more rational with my thinking, I had came to accept that others are concious but I can never be certain that they are, I just hope. And going back about a year and a half now when I was around 17 I had another panic attack, but this time I knew it wasn't these thoughts I previously had because I just got over them as time progressed, It was something else, it just came, BAM, it was in order few years apart from the last, it just seems like that are timed. I worried what was happening, my main concern was that something was wrong with my heart and I had a really hard time breathing, my heart was pounding so fast and hard. It took me over 6 hours to calm down at the hospital and lower my heart rate below 120, the doctors said I just had an anxiety attack and nothing was to worry about, months passing I still worried about my heart, still pounding even to this day one and a half years later from that anxiety attack because I'm still in a anxious state that rises and falls some days during the week, after hundreds of tests giving the all clear, I still worry about it, even though I try to tell myself nothing is wrong with my heart, I still think that I could have some other disease of some sort that is giving me these horrible symptoms, even though I know they all lead back the anxiety. At 17 I still contemplate my existence and worried about what could be wrong with me, although not as bad as a year or so before. Now days I just stuck in a generally low - medium anxious state, always finding something to worry about, whether it be how other think of me, my health, my personality, my studies, upcoming tests, life in general. I've had to get a split from stop myself from grinding my teeth at night, I've also gotten tinnitus from this nightmare, I do believe that it is stimulated by over reacted hearing nerves and hopefully it will subside in the future. I've always been shy and trouble talking to people I don't know, having high amount of anxiety and worry about how they think about me. This may all be self centred around me but this is how I genually feel. I still care and love for my family/friends but at this point in day I've tired a psychologist but they didn't really help, all they did was tell me the basics and it seemed I knew more about how my brain worked than them. I'm trying really hard to be self aware about my anxiety and reduce it without medication but still I just cant, maybe I'm just too lazy but whenever there's a situation to worry about, I think I worry about it 10 times more. Atm I mostly just play games with friends online - always loved games since I was a kid and they always seemed to help get my mind off anxiety, and never really go outside as my uni units are online (Was forced as my campus doesn't accept my unit).
Thanks for reading my long and strange story,
I'm hoping that anyone can relate to this consciousness story and my constant anxiety with any advice/strategies to reduce my current low-medium anxiety.