I really have no idea how to start this but ill just share my story and see if anyone can help. So im a 20 almost 21 year old male who pretty much just started to get anxiety and worry about everything.
Ive had worries in my life before this but it was never bad. It was just lack of self confidence worries and normal worries. Honestly nothing to fret over.
My story. So I finally got my first actual actual girlfriend in august of 2013. We hit it off amazingly and everything was wonderful. Life was great. Now let me say ive never been the ladies man but damn i started to get confidence in myself when i was about 18 and my life took off from there. Started hooking-up with girls a little bit and not giving a *****. But i never had an actual girlfriend I loved. So everything is going great with her and im in love. Than I'm pretty sure i got a Panic attack right before thanksgiving 2013. woke up in the middle of the night with her and felt like i was gonna die. heart racing and felt disoriented. I felt worried and scared for about 3 days but it passed and everything was fine or so i thought. After this though i started getting some intrusive thoughts about hurting her like it wouldnt get out of my mind. Not like i wanted to but if a show had a killing or something i thought about it and with her. Just got scared but it wasn't that bad. About a month later right before Christmas 2013 we went on a hike and i was very dehydrated and pretty sure i got heat exhaustion. Luckily we made it down the mountain and I felt fine. But later that night i started to feel weird. I started to question my lover for her one morning and than started to question my sexuality because ill admit ive watched many different types of porn. Ive only been attracted to girls though (emotionally) but i guess i had weird porn tastes. Thought I was gay or something and everything went downhill with her. From that day on decemeber 16th (one day after our 4 months :/) ive been worried about everything. we broke up but still talk and i still love her but my worries ranges from me being gay to me hurting her to me being crazy. Not feeling like myself, worried im dying and not feeling normal/ike myself anymore, Literally worry about everything. I started going to therapy and doing CBT and it helps but i want to be my myself again. I get jealous when she goes out so im probably insecure. Literally im so fucking over this its so dumb. I hate worrying and im over having bad/negative . thoughts. My life was perfect with her. This is probably written really bad but felt like I need to share my story and see if someone can help. I was never like this until this happened and im really over this. Maybe its because girls have always given me like a weird mind worry like if i dont talk to a girl i like i feel sick and depressed but by god im so done with this. I want to live life and be not. Not be sad and anxious and just think of dumb stuff.