So, I've always had anxiety and a lot of it has centered around health. Lately, though, I have a lot of sadness mixed in with my anxiety. I'm trying to figure out if I have depression or whether I just have a collection of life circumstances that are colliding and bringing me down all at once.
Here are the things I'm depressed about:
1. I can't stand my job. I work in an old, ugly building in a gloomy neighborhood. Even though my job is in the field I studied in college, I no longer see myself fitting in with this field. I'm bored a lot, and there is no opportunity for advancement. Even if there was, I don't think I'd want to advance in this job with this company.
2. Coming to realize that I'm not cut out for this particular career, I feel like I've wasted so much of my life. Over the last 15 years, I could have been studying something else. I could have been building a career that I'm proud of. Instead, I'm trying to find a way out.
3. My husband and I live several hours away from my family (again, this is because of our jobs). I feel like I've let people down by not being closer. And I feel like I, too, would have been happier living in my home city, rather than just living in a place where I was offered a job.
4. I have an elderly relative who's dealing with serious health problems. I feel terrible about what they're going through -- and, again, it reminds me of how much time with family I've missed. I start to think things like, "Soon, everyone -- including me -- will have a serious health problem. What's the point?" (Happy stuff, I know).
5. I've started applying for new jobs, but it's not easy. I haven't had any success -- or even an interview -- yet.
6. I try to use the little things in life (a dinner out, holidays, family visits, sporting events, exercise, etc.) as a way to lift my mood and it usually works. Sometimes, though, when one of those things is over, I feel let down again. We went to a baseball game last week. Our favorite team was winning and then lost on a late home run. I felt so sad, crushed -- like "Even baseball lets me down."
I know I can be happy because when something positive happens, my mood can pick up in a hurry. It's like I just need to see some hope -- some light at the end of the tunnel -- and I can get recharged. Lately I don't see as much light and find myself wondering if I'll ever feel happy again.
FWIW, I do see a therapist/psychologist for anxiety. This helps sometimes. Right now, though, I just feel like the only thing that will help is a change in life circumstances. I'm trying to make that happen, but the process isn't going fast enough for my liking.
Sorry if this is too long or rambling, but thank you for reading.