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Author Topic: Should I hold out for what I think 'good' friends are or just accept selfish ppl  (Read 342 times)

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Offline bhandley

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I've never really had many friends and over the years the numbers have dwindled down even more (im now 26) till ive ended up with just two main friends both also female, and one other who I dont see much because she lives far away but shes nice enough.

Out of the two friends who live locally one of them I have known since school and we've been good friends, Its always been a bit of a tomboyish relationship in that we arent cuddly painting nails together and stuff. Anyways we've had our ups and downs, I used to be pretty selfish when we were in school and so was she, shes always been a bit of a compulsive liar, always elaborating things because I guess shes felt she needed to in order to be interesting but she was funny enough so I put up with it. But after a long time I became impatient with it and our relationship shifted to one where I stopped caring so much about her, and she stayed pretty much the same.
I got a boyfriend and we grew apart for a while, then me and him turned sour fairly quickly so I got back into contact (shitty i know) and we became proper friends again, finally the relationship with the bloke ended and she was 'there for me'. In that she kinda stuck around to watch me have a full scale melt down because she enjoyed watching it and gloating about how I would get there in the end. She took the opportunity to stand on a pedestal and tell me all about how I would soon be like her, happy and secure being single, and how I would become enlightened. I at the time believed every word that came out of her mouth. I even caught her smiling several times when I was crying. Eventually what she said was true and after about 9 months of this I finally started being stronger and happy single. I also noticed that she really wasnt happy single and often lead boys on online for attention.

Because I was such a wreck that whole time she had kind of alpha dogged me... in that I was indifferent about everything so she would make choices for me, she would always choose to give herself the best and me the worst in situations but I just didnt care at the time.

When I eventually got my ball back and started making choices for myself again our relationship shifted once more and she stopped being there for me at all really. I mean we hung out but there was only a few months between getting my confidence back and developing my anxiety condition. I am still confident and make my own decisions and stuff and have all the values I worked hard to get and am happy being single but I got health anxiety and at first that was really severe.

She has basically since then made it seem like we are best friends and we can still have fun together but she started being really selfish about things, always having to be the first in the queue or first into the only toilet etc, have first picks of food - even if I bought it. We went up to her nans - the first time I was ever there and she would make herself dinner and leave me to fend for myself in someones kitchen which I didnt know my way round - I would never do that to her - i would make her dinner too. She even once made herself food in my house without offering me any.

When I quit smoking id been almost two years without and i got drunk and asked her for a cigarette and she gave me one, and then the next day when i said dont let me have another one it was a one time thing, she instead of being a good friend, said that it wasnt her duty to mentor me or stop me from smoking.

Weve had many talks about my severe anxiety and she knows how bad it is for me, and at times has said she feels bad for me and wishes she could help, once she even asked me how i think so she could understand it better, but more often than not she has put me down if i say something shes made me feel ridiculous, after a short while she made it clear that she didnt want to listen to me if i needed help seeing something clearly or talking something out i would say 'oh im feeling a little anxious today' and she would just say 'oh right' in a way that kinda closed the conversation and she would just change the subject.
She has always had psoriasis and she once blamed me for it, saying that I stress her out, she was trying to make me feel guilty. I could write all day about things shes done which have hurt and upset me, but to cut it as short as I can i will just say that I stopped talking to her about it a long time ago and she hasnt ever asked if im ok since despite knowing I still could do with a friend sometimes.
We still have fun together sometimes but she is also impatient with me for no reason and often i can tell she thinks I talk too much, she often doesnt listen to what I am saying.

Yet I give her my full attention whenever she talks, I help her with her problems, I check in with her even though she never comes to me if she needs help. I spend loads of money on her when shes not got a job and I really overspent on her birthday. On my birthday she went out of her way to make the day difficult for me and totally sabotaged my diet efforts on purpose, and now shes got a much better paid job than me and has never helped me out when ive been short. Most importantly I notice that If I am not the first one to get in contact, to call her, to message her or whatever, serious amounts of time can elapse without her contacting me.

My other friend I met in college and although ive never had any problems like I have with the friend I was just talking about, 90 percent of our relationship is me listening to her problems and being there to support her, to guide her and help me and the other 10 percent isnt even her doing it back for me, its us just having fun talking about other stuff. She also knows about my anxiety condition and not once has ever asked me if I want to talk yet I enquire about her all the time. Again, for a long long time I am the only one who makes an effort to talk to her. I call her and she doesnt call me back, I txt her and still dont hear back. Recently I cant be bothered to chase it. Its just so gutting knowing that if i stop the efforts the friendship dies.

When I hang out with these people everything is always ok, never any signs that they dont like me, especially with the second friend - we get along great - but im getting more and more upset with her lack of effort - ive talked to her about this many times and it never changes.

I dont exactly have any other friends. And my two friends dont exactly have any other friends either. I dont understand what to do, on the one hand I want to just give up on them because they arent treating me as I treat them. On the other hand I think im being a big baby and being too demanding and I should let it be, especially since if I cut them out of my life then I will literally be all alone until I make more friends - somehow.

Any advice will do! Even its just to tell me to shut up! Thanks for reading sorry for the long one.
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Offline CrazyD3an

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Hello, i will give a common answer about friendship. Hope you and may be others can relate in future.

it is like both people understanding each other. You cant force your friend to understand you. if he/she is your friend, you don't need a word and they'll understand your problem. We can try to make friends but there are chances things don't work out with some. that doesn't mean that we are failure. You need to try some different people. moreover, it is common that more you move on to life, you will have 1 or 2 friends that are too close to you. Others will always be just friends. the one you can share with will be only one or two. If your friends are too much egoistic or/and too lazy to take care of you, leave them.

about being alone:
   Don't be afraid of leaving alone. when you are alone, you are with yourself. Know who you are in this time. find your likings, strength. self evaluate your self while you are alone and try to improve yourself. accept the fact: your friends cant be always with you. because at last you are the one who knows you best. Talk to yourself, love yourself.

If you want to have good friend, just do one thing: stay true, be yourself,be positive. Right persons will come to your life.
Don't ever change yourself to others liking.

hope i helped you somehow.
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Even if i can't be helpful to someone, i will never ever harm anyone.

Offline bhandley

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Sorry I really don't come on this site much anymore unless I have a direct issue. Thank you for your reply it has helped.
The second friend I spoke about I have stopped seeing and the first friend I have talked with and our friendship has improved. Thank you again.
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Online TyeDyedButterfly

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Having friendships is a full time effort and it shouldn't be that way and it doesn't matter what age a person is it is still the same only we can decide what we want to take and what we don't and also realize we can not change people so we have choices either to take what they deal out or walk away and realize we didn't need the stress and worry also how they made us feel and know we will be okay and there are millions of people out there and you will meet the right friends sooner or later but if it becomes a job to keep a friend then it so isn't worth it I have dropped a few friends because of their games and hurtful words and I am better off !!

Losing a friend is painful and we think it is all our fault because they use up so much we are worn down and dealing with them while trying to deal with anxiety isn't so easy and makes us worse so I know for me I don't need the added anxiety and doesn't matter if its friends or family .

Take care of YOU first because no one else will and then new friends will come along and hopefully the old ones will come back and say sorry and if they don't they weren't friends at all in the first place.
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God is Good all the Time! All the Time God is Good! :)


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