I don't know how to start this.
My name's Austin. I have an anxiety and depression disorder of some kind. Been diagnosed with them all ocd, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, major depression. I've been dealing with these issues on off for the better part of 7 years now. I'm 23 at the moment and in school, living in a somewhat new city.
Right now i'm in a bad place, and I don't know what to do. I've quit drinking, I find after a night out the anxiety is just too bad for the following days after. It's been 2 and half weeks since my last night out. I'm losing friends because of this. I've quit smoking. I can't smoke, the smoking causes intense panic attacks, especially the first smoke of the day, my heart goes nuts, I feel like I'm dying. I've called many ambulances because of this.
I stopped smoking before, in February 2013 and I slipped into a pretty heavy depressive period. It was hell, I started smoking again this past october after meeting a girl who smoked. It got me back in the habit. I really liked this girl, I miss her. I miss her every day, but I said somethings to her because of my anxiety, and just fucked it up. She was only in the city for an exhange, and now she's across the atlantic ocean. She won't speak to me and I'll never see her again.
I felt like smoking relieved a lot of my depression, I know it has anti depressant qualities. but my anxiety is just too bad when I'm smoking them. Constant worry of my health, constant fear of dying. So it's a catch 22 really. If I smoke, intense anxiety, little depression. If don't smoke little anxiety, intense depression. I don't know which ones better.
I'm sure a lot of you will recommend medication. I'm working with a mental health team here in Toronto. Back in january I tried out Zoloft. On the 5th day I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life. I have a history of drug use, and I felt like i was on a bad batch of MDMA or speed. Crazy 6 hour panic attack in a hospital where I had security guards holding me down cause I couldn't keep still. It was a pretty frightening experience. And trying medication again really fucking scares me.
I'm just in a bad place. Constant fear of death, Constant fear of living. I could use some words of encouragement, or something. Just even reading all this is fine enough. It's good to let it out.