Hello everyone. This is my first post so I hope I've put it in the right place etc.
I have struggled with anxiety since I was around 16 (I'm 21 now). Anxiety rules my life and there isn't a day where it doesn't stop me from being myself, unfortunately
The biggest way it has changed me is travelling. Up until I developed this fear I used to LOVE to travel (I've been to Asia 5 times) but now I feel like I cannot do it
I've been married for 2 years and my husband is Sri Lankan. He wants to take me in 2 months to Sri Lanka for 3 weeks to stay with his family. I feel soooo scared and I honestly don't think I can do it, and I feel like a failure and I know I'll feel so guilty and sh*t if I don't go with him. But the problem is, I don't think I can realistically face it, it is too much. I went on holiday to Turkey last year (was my first holiday abroad since panic started 4 years ago. Also, I live in UK, Turkey is 4 hour flight away) last year for 2 weeks and it was pretty grim, although I had some times where I felt almost normal, most of the time I had this overwhelming fear inside of "Oh my god! I'm thousands of miles away from home! I need to get home!" and that fear was just torture quite a lot of the time. So I feel like this will be even worse because its a 12 hour flight away (I get SO scared on flights, I feel trapped and I need to get off and I can't breathe - on the flight to Turkey I drank a few drinks because it made my anxiety go away, but I can't do that on a 12 hour flight especially as his parents would be waiting at other end, they'll think that their son brought home a complete lush!!)
The other thing about this holiday will be my total lack of control. I would have to stay in their house and that just instantly makes me feel like I can't breathe because I need my own space and when I panic I am actually better on my own to calm myself down without commotion around me (I'm also very secretive about my anxiety and I don't really tell anybody, just like to deal with it on my own). I would also have no say over itinerary and stuff really so it would be a lot of trips and visiting long-lost family members and probably being in busy areas.
I feel like this trip is just too much for me at this stage and I am worried it will push my anxiety sky high and I might experience some kind of breakdown from it being too much! I don't want my travel fear to get worse if that makes sense? And I also feel like if I go and I'm so anxious then I won't enjoy and I might come across as a b*tch to his family or I might be snappy (because lets face it, anxiety does make you snappy and moody and tearful)
Does anybody have any advice? Or can relate? It would be nice to not feel completely crazy and irrational
PS: my husband has said he would understand if I don't go, which I'm happy about. I still have a huge feeling of guilt though, he wants me to meet his family and he loves them so much
stupid stupid anxiety..