I haven't been on here for a long time because I was advised to stay away from resources on the internet and chat rooms. If my family or girlfriend knew I was on here, they wouldn't be best pleased. I also feel like a failure because I've ultimately let myself down.
I constantly need reassurance about my mental health and it's getting to the point now where I 'feel' that I have every mental health disorder that there is. My internet reassurance has steadily got back out of hand again and I'm currently spending hours upon hours, researching the internet regarding mental health conditions and applying all of them to certain aspects or traits of my personality.
This all started with physical symptoms back 5 years ago when I absolutely, 100% convinced myself that I had HIV/AIDS and this worry went on for about 6 months before I had enough courage to go to the health clinic. I was negatively diagnosed but the health fears continued for a long time which then included brain tumours, testicular cancer, digestive disorders and so on and the only relief that I got was to always get tested, wasting my time and the NHS's time. Everything always came back negative.
However, though I still have moments where I worry about physical illnesses, my main worries which have plagued me for 4 or so years now is that of mental disorders. I obsessively worry about every disorder and often bracket myself into a category if I suspect that I'm showing signs of the disorder. The problem is that, unlike physical illnesses where you can get a test done and see on paper the test results, the tests for mental disorders is somewhat harder and inconclusive.
This ultimately scares me and leaves me questioning everything.
The doctors and therapists have told me, multiple times, that I have no signs of these other disorders that I obsess about such as Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociate Disorder etc and also the absolute biggest of my fears which is the thought of going completely insane to the point where I'm institutionalised. The health care have told me that I have an anxiety disorder, pure ocd thoughts and depression but I struggle to believe that it's nothing more.
I just read through and asked myself "what do I hope to gain from this post" and I actually started to get upset because ultimately there is nothing that can convince me. I'm completely consumed by doubt.
I suppose I just wanted to talk to like minded people as it gives me the sense of someone understanding.
I apologise for the long post.