I'm feeling so "off" lately... when my anxiety gets really ramped up, I feel hazy and "out of it," almost as though I've been drugged or something. I drive myself crazy monitoring EVERYTHING for any sign that something is wrong. Every thought I have, every physical sensation gets obsessed over. If I have a thought that strikes me as weird, or any kind of twinge at ALL in my body, I start obsessing that there's something mentally or physically very wrong with me.
It doesn't help that the past several months have been a period of high stress. My fiance and I are planning our wedding, and while that's definitely an exciting time, I also worry about getting everything done, and I feel like I'm constantly under pressure to get things done. I feel as though every moment of my day is occupied, but at the end of the day, the house is still messy, bills are piling up, I'm not moving forward with my writing career the way I'd like, and I feel like I haven't gotten a thing accomplished. I feel like a failure.
What isn't really helping me in all this is that I feel as though we're constantly traveling. While I like traveling on occasion, we're doing it way too frequently. We live in Los Angeles, and my fiance's family is in San Diego. Because it's so close, we've been going to visit them practically every other weekend, and between time in the car (it can take over 4 hours each way if the traffic is bad, which it often is) and the stress of dealing with my in-laws (they're mostly good people, but like a lot of in-laws, they do some things that make me crazy), it's really starting to drain on me. We were there this past weekend for Easter, two weeks before that for an event with friends that my fiance wanted to go to, and he'll be going two weeks after that because he has training for work down there, and the weekend after that
for Mother's Day. I'm just getting so tired of going down there so much. This coming weekend we'll be flying to Boston for a friend's wedding, and I'm getting anxious just thinking about that - I used to be pretty okay with flying until recently. I don't know why, but I get more nervous when I'm on planes now than I was about a year or two ago at this time. It's probably just aggravating the stress I'm constantly feeling the rest of the time.
The worst part is, I'm not sure if there's any end in sight for all this stress. The wedding is in June, so we won't have to worry about the planning anymore after that, but who knows how frequent our visits to the in-laws' will be? I'm kind of hoping that once we start having kids, I'll have more of an "excuse" not to go down there so much, but obviously I'm not going to start having children with the express purpose of getting out of traveling. Besides, becoming a parent will come with a whole new set of worries.
I'm just frustrated with myself that I feel like I can't cope with stress. I feel like life in general is only going to get more stressful from here on out, and if I can't deal now, how am I ever going to deal in the future? It doesn't take much for me to feel pressured and overwhelmed. I just wish I could figure out how to manage things better when life starts to get busy so that I'm in a good position when the pressure's really on. I want to know that I can cope with difficult things, and right now I feel completely helpless to do that at all. Any suggestions?