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Offline raggamuffin

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Impending Doom
« on: April 19, 2014, 08:47:16 AM »
Hi all,

I know how it feels when you think it all might be over in a second or 2 when you have a panic attack. But the past few months i've been getting a subtler version during my day to day. Spending several years reading about anxiety it seems a lot of sites and Dr's assume aches and pains are more prevalent during anxiety/panic attacks. I get pains every hour of every day and get a panic attack once every 2 or 3 months at most.

There's not really an overwhelming sense of anxiety although I bcan see that my way of thinking has gone back to bad habits compared to when I did CBT a few years ago. The sensations and pains tend to scare me, which drives the anxiety, as well as me assuming something bad instead of reminding myself that it's all anxiety.

I'm on my 8th day or Mirtazapine and I know it'll take another 6+ days before I feel true benefits. It's nice compared to SSRI's as I don't feel wired and I can sleep fine. I'm not sure what i'm expecting as i've always given up on meds 2-3 weeks into taking them. As such i've coasted along with the daily pains and sensations and after 4.5 years of it, it's a real struggle. Probably makes sense that now i've got this near constant feeling of impending doom. Today it's been very bad. I look at myself in the mirror and I think to myself that I look unhealthy, look like I will be dead in a few days or months.

What feels strange is that the aches and pains and anxiety make you fear dying and diseases on an hourly basis, which causes more pains and more anxiety. But after so many years with anxiety and depression, my quality of life feels so bad that I almost feel indifferent if it did kill me. A friend of mine at work suffers from anxiety too. His symptoms are very different to mine, but he's of the opinion that reading into anxiety and understanding how it logically works is more of a hinderance than a benefit to someone suffering from anxiety. I can kind of see where he's coming from.

For 2 years now i've known the logical side to how anxiety occurs and yet my emotions still seem to dominate my day to day life and way of thinking. This gives constant fuel to the anxiety and it feels like there's no end in sight. Dr's all seem to want to give out medication, perhaps it will help? I've heard many positive stories about medication for these disorders and yet, I feel like I should've started these from day one after the second big panic attack where my day to day life was thrown up in the air and I was constantly feeling pains and convincing myself I was terribly ill. The first hospital visit, the Dr's recommended I speak to my GP about an anxiety medication and therapy and yet I waited 2 years before even trying.

4.5 years later I feel like i've become so thoroughly entrenched in anxiety and my own, illogical and emottionally driven way of thinking that I wonder how much help a medication will actually be. It feels that Dr's and sufferers cannot decide on what option is best in terms of tackling and curing anxiety. Some say you can only manage it and not cure it, some recommend drugs, others are anti drugs and recommend drastic lifestyle changes. In all honesty I lack drive and commitment to following through with lifestyle changes.

Feel like i've written a lot here and not really gotten anywhere or really have a valid point. So the Dr told me to double nmy dose of Mirtazapine after 7 days which I did yesterday. Need to visit him next week to get another prescription and to guage how i'm doing. In all honesty I don't know how i'm doing. I've put on half a stone. That's troublesome as i've remained the same weigh for 14+ years as I have a good metabolism. So that's added worry. I've broken out with bad acne since taking the medication. Apart from that I just feel drowsy all the time.

I think I need to avoid the news. Everyday it's death and new studies about how daily things I enjoy will kill me. Like working in a job where you sit will up your chances of this disease or that disease and apparently napping during the daytime ups your risks of cancer by 30%. I just feel like I'm doing myself no favours. Or when you hear about someone like Peaches Geldof dying at such a young age and her Dr saying her heart was in terrible condition. I know...a 1 in a million case. but with anxiety you seem to convince yourself that you're that "special" that you'll be the one who's stomach pains are cancer or who's chest pains will be a heart attack before you're 30.

Honestly it's difficult living like this.Dr said I should pair the medication with therapy once I start feeling the benefits. he said doing self CBT instead of speaking to a therapist. The Dr himself seems to suffer from depression. He's got a therapist and he has many valid points about therapy's limitations.

Sorry. Felt like i've just waffled and not got anything that could be responded to. So i'll leave this here.

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Offline kconnors

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Re: Impending Doom
« Reply #1 on: April 19, 2014, 10:30:58 AM »

There is absolutely nothing wrong with "waffling" on this site . . .sometimes the very act of waffling is therapeutic . . . I cannot speak to your meds because I am not familiar with them but I can tell you about the aches and pains because I also have a similar issue . . . I am not sure where it originates for me . . .I assume that when I am in anxious riddled episodes, my muscles tense up and then for some reason that becomes the feeling that I get to be most comfortable with because I know what it means . .. when I don't have the tension, then I wonder what is going on . . .. Personally, I have come to recognize that my best action for aches and pains is to get up and move even if I don't want to . . . .I have a mega list of stuff that needs to be done . . .stupid stuff like clean out a drawer, or wash out the sink . . . .anything to get me moving on the one hand and distract me and give me a sense of accomplishment on the other hand  . . .won't lie to you . . .doesn't always work but it seems to be able to take the edge off . . . I also soak in Epsom salts in hot water . . .for some reason, it does marvels . . . I do take regular strength Tylenol when everything else just fails . . .

Now, the other experience that I will share is that I also felt that everything that I did would kill me . . . for a long time, I did nothing . . . .I don't know how I came to this realization but I decided that I could either let life pass me by or I could live it . . .I started out walking . . .just 5 minutes one way and 5 minutes back . . .talk about provoking anxiety . . . I kept doing that until I felt like I could add 5 more minutes . . .it was about when I was doing 20 minutes one way and 20 minutes back that I realized that the anxiety was not with me . . . .I was actually enjoying myself . . . I really do not know why . . .I do practice mindfulness and I do try (and I am not always successful) to eat well --- I don't do junk food ever, no fried food, no red meat (but that's because I cannot digest it . . .nothing to do with anxiety), no alcohol (again, only because wine gives me a migraine, beer runs through me, and hard liquour, well, it just makes me stupid), etc. I try (and again it doesn't always work out because I do slip off the wagon) to have a standard sleep pattern . . . for me, it is in taking the small steps because I do believe it is a process and not an event . . .

As far as the news, well, I think we only hear about the "bad" stuff because it sells . . .I don't listen a lot to the news especially medical programs and I avoid Googling my symptoms . . . . again, I think that I am at that stage of acceptance and I do the best I can each day . .. . I have also followed a self-CBT routine and found it very helpful . ..

So, come back here anytime to waffle . . .we'll do our best for you . . .take care, kc
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