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Author Topic: ODC linked to my sexuality? (LGBT)  (Read 279 times)

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Offline NicoletteChristine

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ODC linked to my sexuality? (LGBT)
« on: April 16, 2014, 06:16:48 PM »
I've been having these negative thoughts and anxiety since February and I guess I've come to a point where I'm fed-up with my negative way of thinking and wish to gain some wisdom and help. So, this may be a long post but I'd appreciate anyone who can truly help me and make me feel more confident with myself.


So, I'm gonna just go ahead and add some background information and introduce myself. I am 16 years old and have been having some OCD/anxiety issues with accepting my sexuality and constant worrying that I'm not what I think I am or want to be. Right now I identify as a lesbian or a bisexual with a very strong preference towards females. I have this constant gnawing worry and fear that maybe I'm straight or am going to become straight one day like begin liking guys or fall in love with some boy/guy. I really don't want that to happen to me mainly because I just accepted myself as a lover of woman and I truly do feel like being with a girl is more beneficial and just right for me versus a guy. I see myself having very long term and strong relationships and also someday even being married to a woman versus a man.

My anxiety mainly stems from my past. When I was in elementary school I actually didn't even know what being gay was until I went to middle school and when I was very little I did begin developing crushes on boys. I always get really anxious and worried a lot when people talk about having had "gay attraction" or experiences in childhood because I never really had any that I can remember and it makes me panic. When I was 12 I went through a stage when I was super sexually attracted to boys although I had limited knowledge on sex and then when I was 13 I actually had my first "lesbian" encounter with another girl. It was online basically I begun to sexually chat with a girl and I really enjoyed it a lot. When I was 14 I sorta went back to boys and then 15 is when everything actually changed for me.

I was going through a very hard time with my depression and anxiety and there was girl from my art history class that I befriended. I remember I used to tell her about everything going on with me and she was very attentive and listened to me and also had a great personality. I remember one night we talked about college plans and how maybe we'd live together and that's when I started fantasizing about being sexually with her, then after a while I begun to feel strong romantic feelings for her. I totally had a crush on her in the sense that I was nervous in class near her and I had butterflies in my stomach and it was amazing. Now, of course nothing ever happened because I told her but she's heterosexual so it was all a bit of a waste.

Since that event in my life I have been pursuing girls actively. I live in a homophobic household but I've flirted with many girls online and even gotten into a long distance relationship this year ( it ended but it was insanely amazing.) I don't really ever feel comfortable or want to go back to liking guys because ever since I've pursued girls I've realized they're the best sex for me to be with! I have no problem or disgust imagining myself being in love and being sexual with a woman/girl.

My problem is though that I constantly worry that  maybe my sexuality is predetermined to be straight? You can't change your sexuality but I mean I used to be interested in boys completely and now I barely care for them and adore girls. Is this a natural thing that occurs to people or did I change myself or is this some "phase?" My worst nightmare that causes the most anxiety in me is worrying that my love for girls is some stupid phase when I sure as hell don't want it to be.

It's just really terrifying for me because I've never physically been in a relationship with a girl so I worry that when I am in one it won't feel right to me or something which is a stupid anxiety but I mean I don't really want to pursue guys again. I've just lost interest in them and overall need to be in a relationship with a male. I guess I have a fear of being heterosexual suddenly. I always work myself into the worst anxiety attacks worrying that maybe I'm mean to be with men or maybe when the time comes to be with a woman I won't enjoy it ( even though I think I do or really want to) or that I'm "missing" out on something in a heterosexual relationship or because society doesn't consider gay relationships the norm.

Whenever I see an attractive man I worry that because I find him attractive it might make me straight :(

Please help! The only biological indicator of my sexuality I have found so far is that I read that biologically woman with longer ring than index fingers are gay or had been exposed to more testosterone in the uterus versus woman with index fingers that are longer than their ring fingers. I have a longer ring finger but I still worry about not being gay or becoming straight.
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Offline bluerose

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Re: ODC linked to my sexuality? (LGBT)
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2014, 02:12:17 AM »
You are still young.  Sometimes it takes people awhile to work out their sexual identity.  But the obsessing is not productive.  I hope you can try to relax and remember whether you end up with a woman or man the most important things is that your partner is a good person.  And most people in this day and age have more than one partner before they settle down with someone.  I know there is still stigma from some straight people towards gay people.  And for bisexuals they can get judged by both straight and gay.  Maybe you can get some counseling from an LBGT therapist who won't be judgmental to help you sort things out.  And if you're an obsesser and have anxiety this topic may just be what your brain picked to obsess about.  Down the road it could be something that has nothing to do with being LGBT.  If that's the case there's always cognitive behavior therapy called exposure therapy and/or medication (usually SSRI antidepressants).  I know easier said than done but try to relax.  Things have a way of working themselves out.
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You wanted justice, but there was none, only love.

Offline Stressed Jumper

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Re: ODC linked to my sexuality? (LGBT)
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2014, 09:10:20 AM »
Your teens are a time of self discovery...which can take a while!  I would advise you to roll with the punches, experiment (safely!) and try not to obsess about the future.  People say teens are nuts but you are not...your world is just very immediate and it can feel like everything needs to be figured out RIGHT NOW or it never will be.  The truth is that life is long and rushing things never helps.

When I was your availability I kissed a few girls and even though I enjoyed it I finally decided that I was more into guys...but I didn't make that decision until I was in my 20's.  I have a theory that everyone falls somewhere on the "gay spectrum.". For example I would say I am 20% gay and  80% straight...better known as bi. There is nothing wrong with that!  If anything I see it as a bonus because when my husband looks at a pretty woman I can appreciate it too as opposed to getting crazy jealous.

Take your time, try not to obsess, and hang in there!
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Offline MissySS1

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Re: ODC linked to my sexuality? (LGBT)
« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2014, 09:28:20 AM »
Hi, Im 14 and a lesbian. I have Depersonalization/ Anxiety and Panic Attacks.  I really do think that it can effect your anxiety, I mean when I am around my family it gets pretty bad. I have a very homophobic family that doesn't know, and I also have an amazing girlfriend that has saved my life. My family loves her, but I do relate to you when you wonder if your anxiety can be linked to LGBTQ. I have had all of this for more than 1 1/2 years. I really hope you start to feel better, and I wish you the best. Stay Positive. :happy0151:
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-Missy

 

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