Chat Now!   Member Gallery    Member Articles    Games   Member Groups   Member Blogs   Health News    Bored?

Author Topic: I'd like some opinions.  (Read 712 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline GenSec

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1867
  • Country: 00
  • Rec's: 57
    • Poke This Member
I'd like some opinions.
« on: April 13, 2014, 08:35:53 AM »
Since last year I've been in regular contact with a girl on a common interest websiteÖ I had very freshly split from my ex girlfriend at the time, which left me pretty distraught and I was merely looking for something to do that would take my mind away from the pain. The last thing on my mind for months afterwards was romance. Yet over the months, steadily, gradually, weíve grown quite fond of each otherís company.

Again, despite this person being nice looking with a very sensitive personality, I expected nothing beyond online talking. There was never an intention by myself to take it beyond that.  Primarily because this girl has only freshly turned 21 years old whilst Iím knocking on the door of 29. So I decided to keep it friendly. In the last month weíve spoken lightly about meeting each other one day (we live in the same country, and she knows she lives close to some sights Iíd love to visit that are related to our common interest). The last time we spoke, she tentatively revealed that she thought I was a caring, sweet guy and if we do get along well she wondered if Iíd be willing to take her out somewhere like I did with me ex. Her shyness means she's never been comfortable enough to go on a date with a guy before. Iím quite a chatty person, but this has pretty much left me lost for words. I feel like I have to deal with this carefully because Iím dealing with a sensitive matter thatís very important to someone. I have past experience of dating, albeit not a huge amountÖ this person doesnít. I worry about the responsibility that comes with potentially being this girlís first romantic interest. I also worry the age gap of 8 years is too much.

I mean, I do like herÖ we share a great common interest that we can talk hours about, something even my ex tried to get into but didnít come to her naturallyÖ we can talk for hours without any awkwardness... but I have a worry that it would be wrong to ďtake advantageĒ of a younger woman. I gently advised her of this, and suggested that perhaps she should share special moments with a guy her own ageÖ but she seems to not rate ďwhatís on offerĒ in her age range very highly, lol. Then took it the wrong way and told me that if I wasn't interested in her all I had to do was say so and that would be that.

Its not something Iíve ever been able to do with someone before, but late at night/early hours of the morning we found out we both stay up to watch particular documentaries (boring to most, yawn!) so when I suggested we watch them at the same time and talk via s/kype she jumped at the chance. And I can tell sheís not just feigning interest to impress me. The last time we were supposed to watch one of these late-night documentaries together, she eventually admitted to me when I asked her opinion regarding the conclusion of the episode that she hadn't actually been watching it, she was lying in her bed talking to me. She thanked me for staying up late with her as it always helps her sleep better.

Iíd love to meet her, Iíd love to visit this place of interest with herÖ but I worry about doing the right thing. There is a spark of interest I feel for her, that I won't seek to deny; sheís a pretty younger woman and frankly, I believed was so far out of my league because of those facts that I wasnít even considering anything beyond being buddies. Its just that if we met and things did click well between us I worry about whether it would be right or not to take things further. I only want to do the right thing.

For now, Iíve suggested we keep things exactly as they are til we meet in person, then she can think over what is best for her. There's no rush and no expectations for her to worry about even after she meets me.

Also, I confess that despite ending things with my ex last year, I'm not completely over and I continue to carry around some feelings for her. I kind of regret how all that ended. Despite knowing i'll never see her again, that doesn't stop me thinking about her every so often. So I don't know if I should continue to wait, give myself more time before I consider dragging someone else into my issues. This girl deserves someone better than a guy with muddied feelings. Like with my ex, whenever I see her I instinctually think "out of my league". :laugh: In that way she reminds me of her.

Kind thanks,
Gen.
Bookmark and Share

Offline Cuchculan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11371
  • Country: ie
  • Rec's: 169
  • Gender: Male
    • Poke This Member
Re: I'd like some opinions.
« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2014, 01:29:27 PM »
Honest answer as ever from myself. The age difference is not really a factor here at all. You are both adults. We could argue that if you stayed together for the next twenty years I doubt anybody would think anything about the age gap. In other words, the older we get, although it can't happen, it seems like the age gap vanishes. I think for now you are just viewing her as a young 21 year old. Thinking 8 years is a big gap. You may be playing things over in your mind such as if you were younger, how old she would be. I agree, for example, that a person of 21 and a person of 17 are not right for each other. Odd how I would find that wrong. But once you get into the 20's things begin to change. You do mature. I am not saying there is no such thing as a mature 17 year old. I am sure there are many. We would simply view them as teens if we were in our 20's and not want to go there. 21 is an age that is old enough to make your own mind up. You are still in your 20's too. Be different if you were my age and hitting the mid 40's. 8 years once in the 20's is only a number. Nothing to ashamed of at all. You both seem to get on great. You have a lot of shared interests. That is always important. More importantly is that you can both talk. Even about your ex. Which in turn will mean that you could most probably talk to her about other matters if need me. I do recall some issues you were having with your ex. An agreement you both had made and she changed her mind on things and tried to get you to change your mind on something you never wanted to do. I know you will know what I am talking about here. I'm not sure if you still hold those same views or not. If you do get involved with this girl it may have to be addressed again. In advance of any meeting. Just to see how she feels / thinks about the situation. As for getting over the ex? At times they are hard to get over. It depends on how things went with them. Some are far easier to get over than others. It depends on how much you shared with them. But we can't live in the past forever. There comes a time when we have to move on. Hard as that may seem. The only way that might happen is meeting this other person. Letting her into your life. You are a smart person. You know left from right. I am sure you will do the right thing. When the moment is right for both of you.
Bookmark and Share
The Lovable Irish Rogue

Offline GenSec

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1867
  • Country: 00
  • Rec's: 57
    • Poke This Member
Re: I'd like some opinions.
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2014, 02:23:42 PM »
I quite like this honest answer, actually! :laugh3: Kind thanks, it raises other good points too.

I never knew her age for the first month or so - I assumed from writing back and forth to her that she was about my age. She's very well read, better read than even I was at her age. She's more mature than many people 10 years older than her.

Yes, we have spoken about my ex. Quite a lot actually. Probably bent her ear about it more than I should have, lol. :-* Nevertheless she has helped me rationalise it so that I'm not emotional about it anymore. She knows all about the issues we had, and about some of my own mistakes and failures too. She suggested that I write a positive conciliatory letter to my ex as a sort of 'closure' thing, but I don't want to harass her. She obviously wanted to cut me out of her life entirely so I respect that. There are some things I would like to say sorry for though. At this stage however I may be the only one of the two who is still hung up on them. The speed with which she lost any residual feelings for me after the breakup surprised and hurt me... I wish I had experienced such a brief grieving stage.

As for the other matter you mentioned, it turns out there may be a real reason for it rather than just mere personal preference. When I was a child I had an operation or two shall we say to repair what was thought to be one thing only for it to turn out to be nerve damage. Well, the other issue that affected me and my ex could actually be due to similar nerve damage. That's what my doctor told me, although it would take a hospital trip (to a ladies ward in my local hospital, their privacy protected from me by having my bed entirely curtained off) to find out for definite. I'd rather not go in for it. If it is that issue, which would explain a lot, then its something that I may never be able to change. If anyone ever gets involved with me then they'll need to be very understanding and patient, probably more so than I think is fair to ask of most. To be honest this girl is pretty, as i say whenever i see her or speak to her she reminds me of my ex that way and my mind says "out of your league, don't get your hopes up", we have spoken about this matter and her advice to me was "never say never, you never know what's in store for you in the future" and I'm thinking that for now its best to stick to that frame of mind rather than box myself into a corner. :winking0008: I was willing to try for my ex, the amount of feelings she brought out of me was amazing when I look back on it all and for a time I was starting to even value the idea of sharing it with her, yet sad things happened (which I don't entirely blame her for) and it ended up not working out. It didn't happen. Just trying to do so turned out to be much more difficult and stressful than I had ever imagined it would be (which if my doctor is right may be entirely beyond my control).

The fear of getting hurt again is also something that's making me hesitate a bit. But that's something many people have to deal with I suppose.

Kind thanks again,
Gen.

Bookmark and Share

Offline Snowy

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 129
  • Country: us
  • Rec's: 1
  • Gender: Female
  • Mood: Loved
    Loved
  • Personal text
    • Poke This Member
Re: I'd like some opinions.
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2014, 11:33:22 PM »
I wouldn't consider the age thing an issue at all, really.  My best friend is 12 years older than me and it's never been a problem.  I think in relationships it's more a question of maturity than a number.  I think it says something that you were only looking for a friend when you met.  If your intentions had been to find a rebound, then there would be some question.  I think the girl can make up her own mind, though, and doesn't need someone to protect her heart.  If things don't turn out as you wish down the road, then you've both learned something.  I think you'd probably regret it if you didn't at least try, and so would she.

I haven't been on here very long, so I'm unfamiliar with the past issues you guys are talking about.  Is this an asexuality kind of thing?  If it's something that will affect the relationship, you should definitely talk to her about it at some point before things get too deep.

As for your ex, I hate to say it, but you may never be over her completely if it was genuine love.  As for being this girl's first boyfriend- don't sweat it.  My uncle married his first girlfriend and it's been like 40+ years for them.  Actually, oddly enough, both my uncles married their first girlfriends.  Never noticed that before.  Anyway, I wish you the best in whatever you decide!
Bookmark and Share

Offline Cuchculan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11371
  • Country: ie
  • Rec's: 169
  • Gender: Male
    • Poke This Member
Re: I'd like some opinions.
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2014, 05:47:54 AM »
We all have to bite the bullet at times and jump back in there. REM sang the song ' everybody hurts '. It happens. Or what was the last song I mentioned to you? The first cut is the deepest. That was going back a while now. But we have all loved and lost. I think the first real love is the hardest to get over. But we can learn from that. It will make you a stronger person. Nobody wants to live life alone. Though many do because they were hurt in the past. They won't get involved again. Which is sad. Love could just be a few steps away. We have to want to take those steps. Even if it means having memories of our past. This latest person may help you to move past what has gone on before. So take those steps. I am sure it will be worth it.
Bookmark and Share
The Lovable Irish Rogue

Offline Alecia6

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 50
  • Country: 00
  • Rec's: 3
  • Gender: Female
  • Personal text
    • Poke This Member
Re: I'd like some opinions.
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2014, 06:51:30 AM »
Is everyone else not reading what I am? I keep reading the mention of your ex. You still have feelings for your ex. This girl reminds you of your ex.
You've talked to this girl about..your ex.
The one thing I have learnt, and learnt well, with a lot of heartache on both sides, do not get involved with someone, until you are completely over, your ex.
It will complicate things in your mind. Make no mistake about that. And you are already bringing "baggage" into another relationship before it has even started. You cannot heal your pain, by replacing them with someone else. It does not work. What it does do, is makes it very unfair to this girl. And it makes you jump back and forth, like you are already doing, on comparing the two.
You are not over your ex. This is an unfair playing field, for all involved.
As for never being over your ex, you will be. Time really does heal. You may not believe it now, but one day, her name will come up and you will feel nothing. No more sting of pain, no more rush of excitement from hearing her mentioned. It really will be like hearing about someone you used to know.
But how it is now? You are trying to bandage old pain, with someone else now. Not fair. It's entirely up to you as to what you do now. But this girl, as nice as she is, and as sweet as she is, truly is new to all of this, you know that. Her first experience with love, really should be with someone who can give her all of their mindset and feelings, without anyone else from the past popping into their mind still. Be fair and realize you cannot do that at this time, nor have you yet. The bottom line is, she is inexperienced. She should not have her first experience be less than it should be, because of old wounds that still obviously exist in your mind. Best advice.,,leave it for now. Give yourself time to truly be done with the past. If this girl connected with you as you think she did, no doubt she will be happy to hear from you in the future. I know everyone on here wants to hear of a love story coming true..but the reality is...this girl does not deserve a love story with an ex being dragged along side still in your mind.
Bookmark and Share

Offline Cuchculan

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11371
  • Country: ie
  • Rec's: 169
  • Gender: Male
    • Poke This Member
Re: I'd like some opinions.
« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2014, 09:38:27 AM »
I am well aware of his ex girlfriend both from this post and old posts from when they were together. I don't think he is been any way dishonest with this new girl. He is letting her know that his ex is still part of him. He does have to learn how to move on. I think even he is aware of that part. But for now he simply doesn't know how. Bit like it is the first time such a situation has come up for him. We all remember that first major ex that we thought was going to be the right one for us all. They can linger around in our minds longer than we want them to once it is over. It depends how it ended too. I am aware how it ended with his ex and why he felt so hurt by the whole thing. There was a lot of mixed messages. It is over. But let us continue contact on the computer. Like been kicked in the head by a person and having your heart ripped out. Then they are all nice to you. You can sit there lost. Wondering what on earth is going on. He is been honest about this ex with this new girl. He is not masking how it is. Both of them can make their minds up based on what they talk about.
Bookmark and Share
The Lovable Irish Rogue

Offline GenSec

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1867
  • Country: 00
  • Rec's: 57
    • Poke This Member
Re: I'd like some opinions.
« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2014, 04:27:58 PM »
Hi,

Kind thanks for the feedback everybody. :winking0008: It is appreciated. The posts are all enlightening in their own way.

I would like to say in advance that Iím not trying to be unfair toward anybodyÖ if I was, then I wouldnít be having the thoughts Iím having nor writing about the matter here. Sheís pretty, yes; I do find myself interested in her due to the person she is too. As I say though, I do recognise that there are be underlying factors relating to me which may mean its for the best I donít let things go any further than good friendship with herÖ ie. her age, and the issue of my ex.

Quote
I haven't been on here very long, so I'm unfamiliar with the past issues you guys are talking about.  Is this an asexuality kind of thing?  If it's something that will affect the relationship, you should definitely talk to her about it at some point before things get too deep.

Yes, this is an asexuality thing. I have Ďissuesí shall we say when it comes to the physical romance departmentÖ which for a guy my age has been rather embarrassing as well as confidence undermining. With my ex it caused issues and tension between us, making me feel inadequate at times. I donít mean to criticise her, but she wasnít the most patient nor understanding on the matter. She'd never had to deal with the situation before in a partner. I was a young man and like all the others I should have been able to do certain things, end of. She took my problems as a personal offence (for which I was slapped angrily on one occasion) or at times I was said to be weak, or perhaps gay. It all does nothing to boost your confidence and in the end I found even the idea of attempting it with her stressful and offputting because of the fear of disappointing her. It played a part in killing the relationship. I really did try my best to make her feel happy and loved. I wasn't able to do that for her and I do feel sorry for letting her down. I did try to apologise for my failings after we broke up to let her know this was about me, not her.

Briefly put, I have nerve damage which affects parts of my body. What this is due to, I donít know. But in certain areas it was diagnosed when I was still a child. As a baby I did suffer a stroke, so I guess that could be a cause. Iím almost blind in one eye. The stroke hasnít affected my IQ or mental abilities (Iím a college graduate): and to look at me, or chat to me, you would never know my past. However, I guess its lasting effects may have been the nerve damage in parts of my body. Like most stroke suffers, I tend to tire out more easily than many during the course of the day (being young, most folks write it off as laziness). ::) At night that also means I'm often not in the mood for love, lol.

I know any woman who ever gets involved with me is going to have to be patient, understanding. In turn I have a duty to be honest early on. Frankly, I donít expect any woman of my age to put up with my issues at this stage in their lives. There are a lot of more interesting and better looking guys out there on the market than what I have to offer with my issues. There are much easier options for partner material out there.

After a lot of thought and re-reading of the contributions here, i think, for now, the best (and fairest) thing for me to do for now would be to continue a friendship with this girl like the one we have. :happy0062: I donít want to spoil it. I donít want to lose her. And I certainly donít want to hurt her by pulling her into the messy situation regarding my remaining feelings for my ex. As you say, Alecia, this is her first experience and she deserves someone who can guarantee her all of their feelings, all of who they are. I'd like that lucky person to be me, maybe it could be... yet for now, I think its best if i continue to heal. if its meant to be then hopefully she'll be happy to wait a bit longer on me. Its better being cautious and doing the right thing than messing around with someoneís deepest feelings. I donít want to risk damaging someone else because of my own issues right now.

If we meet, it wonít be for many many months; probably nearer the end of this year. For now I think friendship is the way to go. Keep things safe as they are. Even if I have the good fortune to meet her, it should be as friends so she feels no pressure if she has second thoughts about me after spending time with me. You cannot truly get a feel for someone until youíve met them in real life and spent a bit of time with them. Sometimes, a pair of folks can seem great together online yet when they finally meet the chemistry just doesnít bond well. Thatís natural. Being calm and gradual about it all in a mature way is the best way to ensure something rewarding in the long term comes out of things, for the both of us.

Kind regards,
Gen.
Bookmark and Share

Offline Snowy

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 129
  • Country: us
  • Rec's: 1
  • Gender: Female
  • Mood: Loved
    Loved
  • Personal text
    • Poke This Member
Re: I'd like some opinions.
« Reply #8 on: April 18, 2014, 11:01:08 PM »
Yes, this is an asexuality thing. I have Ďissuesí shall we say when it comes to the physical romance departmentÖ which for a guy my age has been rather embarrassing as well as confidence undermining. With my ex it caused issues and tension between us, making me feel inadequate at times. I donít mean to criticise her, but she wasnít the most patient nor understanding on the matter. She'd never had to deal with the situation before in a partner. I was a young man and like all the others I should have been able to do certain things, end of. She took my problems as a personal offence (for which I was slapped angrily on one occasion) or at times I was said to be weak, or perhaps gay. It all does nothing to boost your confidence and in the end I found even the idea of attempting it with her stressful and offputting because of the fear of disappointing her. It played a part in killing the relationship. I really did try my best to make her feel happy and loved. I wasn't able to do that for her and I do feel sorry for letting her down. I did try to apologise for my failings after we broke up to let her know this was about me, not her.

Briefly put, I have nerve damage which affects parts of my body. What this is due to, I donít know. But in certain areas it was diagnosed when I was still a child. As a baby I did suffer a stroke, so I guess that could be a cause. Iím almost blind in one eye. The stroke hasnít affected my IQ or mental abilities (Iím a college graduate): and to look at me, or chat to me, you would never know my past. However, I guess its lasting effects may have been the nerve damage in parts of my body. Like most stroke suffers, I tend to tire out more easily than many during the course of the day (being young, most folks write it off as laziness). ::) At night that also means I'm often not in the mood for love, lol.

I know any woman who ever gets involved with me is going to have to be patient, understanding. In turn I have a duty to be honest early on. Frankly, I donít expect any woman of my age to put up with my issues at this stage in their lives. There are a lot of more interesting and better looking guys out there on the market than what I have to offer with my issues. There are much easier options for partner material out there.
Ah, I understand now.  I consider myself asexual, though mine isn't due to medical issues.  My experience in the matter is that it's much better to find someone else that is also asexual to be with in the long term.  I've been with guys that weren't, and though they tried, it didn't take long before all of them wanted more.  Now, I know not everyone is like this, but all the ones I've been with were.  Very frustrating.  I always felt I had no hope at being in a relationship for life because of this one thing.  Still single, but that's fine, I've made peace with it.  I wish you luck in finding the right, understanding person that's meant for you!

Also, you've made a respectable choice.  My first thought was to tell you to go for it, but you make a very good point- sometimes the chemistry won't be there.  I hope it works out for the best, whatever that will be. (:
Bookmark and Share

Offline GenSec

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1867
  • Country: 00
  • Rec's: 57
    • Poke This Member
Re: I'd like some opinions.
« Reply #9 on: April 19, 2014, 08:20:14 AM »
Something minor I'd never noticed before, but yesterday I was curious about my toes! :spineyes: On one foot they move fine, but on the other if I bend them they don't bend as well; as for stretching my toes, they hardly respond at all on that foot. I guess when growing up I never re-taught them to do that wee task.

Still, its nothing... I'm very fortunate to have recovered as well as I have. It could have been a hell of a lot worse!

Quote
Ah, I understand now.  I consider myself asexual, though mine isn't due to medical issues.  My experience in the matter is that it's much better to find someone else that is also asexual to be with in the long term.  I've been with guys that weren't, and though they tried, it didn't take long before all of them wanted more.  Now, I know not everyone is like this, but all the ones I've been with were.  Very frustrating.  I always felt I had no hope at being in a relationship for life because of this one thing.  Still single, but that's fine, I've made peace with it.  I wish you luck in finding the right, understanding person that's meant for you!

Also, you've made a respectable choice.  My first thought was to tell you to go for it, but you make a very good point- sometimes the chemistry won't be there.  I hope it works out for the best, whatever that will be. (:

Kind thanks for the best wishes of luck - I think i'll probably be needing them, haha! ::) :laugh3:

My ex was asexual when I met her, for similar reasons to you. That changed over time. To be fair to her, I don't think she was deceiving me or anything like that. In the early days she fell for me pretty hard and naturally, she began to feel a need to express that love physically. She used to blame me for curing her of her asexuality! I do think if you fall for someone such things can change. So, even if I meet a girl again in the future who is asexual, how can I be sure that doesn't change down the line?

It is deeply frustrating, I understand you there. Don't get me wrong, I'm never saying 'never'; I'm not refusing point blank. I cared about my ex and I wanted to make her feel loved and happy. I earnestly tried. Sadly it wasn't good enough. Even small things like hearing the person sigh at you, roll their eyes or turn their back on you in bed when you're already feeling inadequate when your best wasn't good enough is pretty crushing. Honestly, it ended up putting me completely off until I'd even be relieved that we weren't bothering to try anymore. I did suggest medications one time, but was cut short by being informed that if a boyfriend couldn't be man enough to show her he loved her without drugs then there was no point in being in a bed with him. Again, its something I would have been willing to try. It still saddens me that there was nothing I could do to stop the resentment that I could feel building up in her because she felt unloved.

I couldn't go through all that again with someone. I'd rather be single permanently, honestly.

I'm also trying to be understanding toward this girl I'm communicating with recently... i don't want her nailing her colours to the mast, only to find that when she meets me she realises I'm not quite the one for her as she thought i was talking to me online! :laugh3: It saves any embarrassment or awkwardness.

However, reading accounts from people such as yourself is nice... it lets me know that although it may make things harder when it comes to relationships, I am not alone. :winking0008:

I wish you similar luck too! :happy0062:

(By the way, I did read your own long thread on this folder about your elder sister yesterday, I was going to share some thoughts on the matter but was taking my time so as to ensure I wrote something as helpful and considerate as it deserves).

Best,
Gen.




Bookmark and Share

Offline Snowy

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 129
  • Country: us
  • Rec's: 1
  • Gender: Female
  • Mood: Loved
    Loved
  • Personal text
    • Poke This Member
Re: I'd like some opinions.
« Reply #10 on: April 19, 2014, 12:34:46 PM »
I think whether or not your asexuality changes in the end is based on your reasons for being such.  I do feel like I was born this way and never made the choice, and that's fine, but I also have reasons to not want it.  I would never want to do anything that could ever get me pregnant, for example.  So that keeps me away too.

I'm sorry she made you feel that way. ):  No one deserves to be treated like that- the subtle little ways of making you feel like *****.  Though she probably wasn't doing it on purpose, I know that can still hurt.  One of my shortest relationships was with a guy who pushed way too hard and tried to make ME feel like the bad guy when he didn't get what he wanted.  Terrible time, cause you never want to disappoint, you know?  But I agree, I'd much rather always be single than have to meet someone and explain why I don't want to have sex and all the other things I have going on.  It's alright if they bail at first, but once they convince you it's fine and you get attached, and then they bail, that's much worse.

Thanks for the luck, too!

(Ah, that's nice of you, thanks!)
Bookmark and Share

Offline GenSec

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1867
  • Country: 00
  • Rec's: 57
    • Poke This Member
Re: I'd like some opinions.
« Reply #11 on: April 19, 2014, 01:24:31 PM »
I think whether or not your asexuality changes in the end is based on your reasons for being such.  I do feel like I was born this way and never made the choice, and that's fine, but I also have reasons to not want it.  I would never want to do anything that could ever get me pregnant, for example.  So that keeps me away too.


True, very true. :winking0008: Like you I wasn't really given a choice.

One thing me and my ex did have in common was a shared disinterest in having children - which never changed for either of us. That's one thing I do like to be let known early on when getting close to someone. Naturally for most ladies that is something they want one day, so there's no point in letting them get attached to you and only then breaking the news to them. She was actually the first I ever met who didn't want kids.

I realise that it would make my life a whole lot easier if I ended up sharing my life with someone who was asexual and didn't put the pressure on me... but if I end up falling for someone who needs physical intimacy then as I say I am willing to try and make them happy. I wouldn't want to lose them over it. I'm one of these folks who likes to dream that love can overcome anything, lol. :-*

Thanks again,
Gen.
Bookmark and Share

Offline Snowy

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 129
  • Country: us
  • Rec's: 1
  • Gender: Female
  • Mood: Loved
    Loved
  • Personal text
    • Poke This Member
Re: I'd like some opinions.
« Reply #12 on: April 19, 2014, 03:30:23 PM »
I've also only met one other person that didn't want kids and it was a guy.  All other girls seem to want them but it just doesn't appeal to me.  I kept thinking once I got into my twenties, my opinion on that would change because of motherly instinct or something but I'm 25 now and it's not changing.  If anything, I want them even less!  :laugh3:  I agree, though, that's extremely important in a relationship.

That's a lovely way to feel, so hopeful about love.  I used to be like that.  My first, and only real love, claimed to also be asexual, but (as you know from reading my other thread), he discovered he was gay after a while.  That's so heartbreaking for people like us, who think they finally found that rare person and then circumstances change.

That's good, though, I mean you can't help who you end up falling for, really.
Bookmark and Share

Offline GenSec

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1867
  • Country: 00
  • Rec's: 57
    • Poke This Member
Re: I'd like some opinions.
« Reply #13 on: April 19, 2014, 04:34:33 PM »
I've also only met one other person that didn't want kids and it was a guy.  All other girls seem to want them but it just doesn't appeal to me.  I kept thinking once I got into my twenties, my opinion on that would change because of motherly instinct or something but I'm 25 now and it's not changing.  If anything, I want them even less!  :laugh3:  I agree, though, that's extremely important in a relationship.

That's a lovely way to feel, so hopeful about love.  I used to be like that.  My first, and only real love, claimed to also be asexual, but (as you know from reading my other thread), he discovered he was gay after a while.  That's so heartbreaking for people like us, who think they finally found that rare person and then circumstances change.

That's good, though, I mean you can't help who you end up falling for, really.

Kids aren't my idea of heaven either, haha! :laugh3: The way I see it is, there are no shortage of humans on the planet... does it really matter if some of us choose not to have them? After all, its much worse to bring kids into this world when you really don't want to make the necessary commitment to them rather than choose to be responsible and live in the way that's best for you. :winking0008: My sister is almost 40 and never wanted kids. She's happy enough with life and doesn't regret her choice.

I'm sorry that your only real love turned to disappointment. You say on your thread that the pair of you remain friends, but it must still continue to hurt you even now. Four years is a significant time in your life to give to someone you love. One wise member here once told me that losing someone we love is almost like a death... we mourn their loss. In fact, in some respects its harder than a death because the person is still here; they're merely no longer in our lives. I can understand why you say you "used" to feel like me regarding love. Sometimes I turn into a cynic too since my breakup last year. The only person I've ever felt moved to step outside of my comfort zone  for is gone and I'm still finding it upsetting some days. Its hard to let go of the memories you made together, the shared moments. Circumstances may change but those memories don't. Its hard to accept they were all ultimately for nothing and will never come about again.

Anyway, enough before I start blubbering again! :laugh:

Thank you again,
Gen.

Bookmark and Share

Offline Snowy

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 129
  • Country: us
  • Rec's: 1
  • Gender: Female
  • Mood: Loved
    Loved
  • Personal text
    • Poke This Member
Re: I'd like some opinions.
« Reply #14 on: April 19, 2014, 04:50:58 PM »
Haha, exactly!  There are plenty of people here already, no need to contribute another one.  I prefer creating fictional people. ;D  Definitely, though, about being sure you want them.  I quite dislike it when people have kids in order to have something to show off like a pony or something.

I don't know, it doesn't really hurt that much now.  I'm disappointed by it, but it's more the loss of the friendship.  We're on fine terms and speak every now and then but it's nothing like before.  He was my best friend too, so I think that hurts more than the other.  All of it seems like a world away, though, because while it wasn't THAT long ago, so much has happened since then.
Bookmark and Share

Tags:
 

Related Topics

  Subject / Started by Replies Last post
1 Replies
1076 Views
Last post March 05, 2007, 12:39:02 PM
by ashmo918
14 Replies
779 Views
Last post January 18, 2011, 11:30:27 AM
by floridaguy65
4 Replies
641 Views
Last post March 22, 2011, 11:07:54 PM
by 29sillygirl
6 Replies
460 Views
Last post July 04, 2011, 10:49:20 PM
by selfdiagnose
3 Replies
346 Views
Last post July 30, 2011, 05:42:08 PM
by Irishmanwrites