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Author Topic: Its been a while...  (Read 195 times)

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Offline asuka07

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Its been a while...
« on: April 12, 2014, 11:36:02 AM »
Last time I visited this board was about three years ago, when I was suffering from anxiety and depression. (At the time I thought it was just anxiety, but later I realized I was suffering from both.) Thanks to the advice from the people on this board I started seeing a psychologist and slowly worked my way back to my normal self.  There were things going on in my life I didn't realize were making me unhappy and she helped me recognize them.  I had to make hard (for me) changes in my life.  I thought I could handle it on my own and after a while stopped seeing my psychologist.

Fast forward to this year and did I make any of those changes?  Nope.  I tried in the beginning, but change scares me.  It was much easier to keep doing what I've always been doing. Plus I was happy again.  But this year the depression slowly started creeping back without me realizing it.  A few weeks ago the insomnia started.  I've had insomnia before but never like this.  I started to lose interest in things again, the insomnia was giving me anxiety, some mornings are just so hard to get moving.  All my issues from 3 years ago were back.  And I feel like its all my fault.  I didn't work on what I was supposed to and now I'm paying for it.

The only bright spot in this is that before it got as bad as it was the first time (which was pretty bad) I called my psychologist and started seeing her again.  I feel like a yo yo.  Some days are almost normal, some not so much.  I'm depressed because I haven't accomplished what I've wanted to in life, but I'm scared to take the steps to accomplish what I want.  Does that make any sense?  I'm trying to be better about opening up to my psychologist,  it's hard for me to talk about myself.

Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent.

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Offline Beth

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Re: Its been a while...
« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2014, 02:56:10 AM »
Hi,

I'm hoping you check back with this post, because I just wanted to tell you that I really relate to what you wrote.

I, too, have always had anxiety, but it's morphed into depression at times recently, because I'm really unhappy with certain elements of my life. My job feels pointless. I wish I could go back in time and change my college major and do a job I actually enjoy. Instead, I'm in a stressful workplace with zero chance for advancement. I feel like I've wasted too much time in this career, yet I'm always fearful of the change (because, what if I fail? What if no one else hires me and I'm stuck in this place forever?). It's more than just a bad job for me; it's the feeling of wasted time and the idea that I could be/should be something better and someone happier by this point. And I'm not. And I can't help but think, "What have I been doing all this time?"

It's like I tread water. I find a few things that make me happy (maybe a vacation or holiday to look forward to, a visit with friends and family) and I'm good for a while. But I always come back to the unhappy spot and realize that I still haven't done anything to fix it  :(

I'm not sure what specific changes you want to make in your life. But know that you're not alone!
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Offline tinam7

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Re: Its been a while...
« Reply #2 on: April 13, 2014, 09:21:29 AM »
There is help here and that's so nice to know. I'll just say that if we are prone to depression or anxiety, etc. these issues are likely to return. We may get days, weeks, etc. of reprieve but whether they are organic or conditioned, we must remain vigilant.

Sometimes therapy is in order, or meds or our own ways we've discovered that help us cope. For me it is CBT, journaling, yoga, tai chi, meditation, reading, thinking, learning, even reading and posting here. Hope this helps some.
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Offline asuka07

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Re: Its been a while...
« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2014, 07:27:45 PM »
Yes! I too am stuck in a job with zero advancement.  I've been doing it for so long I am scared of trying something new.  My other issue is that I have yet to start a family and I feel like time is running out.  Its something I've always thought about but lately its really been on my mind. 

I totally get the treading on water Beth.  I want all these things, but then there's this evil voice asking if I really want to change this life I currently have.  I am terrified of stepping out of my comfort zone.  I really hope I can move forward, even though it will cause me major anxiety, and finally get what I want.  Because as I am now learning if I don't resolve this it'll just come back.

Thanks everyone for the advice and for listening !  Makes me feel better knowing I am not the only one with these issues  :action-smiley-065:
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Offline Beth

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Re: Its been a while...
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2014, 02:26:16 AM »
Asuka, I really think we are in a similar spot. It's amazing.

When I first got married, I wasn't in a hurry to have kids. I didn't feel ready and, honestly, I think part of the problem was my fear that my tendency to have anxiety and health anxiety might make me a bad parent. I was scared of having a child and then pushing all those fearful parts of my personality/brain on to someone new who didn't ask for all that. But time is ticking away and now I feel like my fears have stopped me from taking any action on anything for way too long.

I'm not really cut out to be a career-first person. I think that even if/when I find a job that I like more than my current one, it will still mostly just be a job to me. I "live" for other things -- I like cooking, traveling, exercising, going to the beach -- and would like to get out of my current mental state so that I can enjoy life a little bit again. I also know that my husband would like it if I were happier again; I can't imagine what it's like for him to deal with me when I'm dreading each day at work (I tend to be my happiest heading into a day off and then my mood spirals down when I have to go back to the dreary office).

And you're so right: Stepping out of our comfort zone is scary, which I guess is why so many people never do it. But I'm with you in realizing that resolving these issues is the only way to achieve happiness and peace. I've already let too much time pass without taking action.

Thanks for starting this thread. It's nice to have a place to share thoughts  :action-smiley-065:
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