First of all, sorry about the english, it's not my native language. And I've never studied English.
I'm 21 years old and i've been suffering from OCD and GAD since, i don't know, 17...
The fact is, it has never been so strong like right now... I feel anxious about pretty much everything, like, for example, Dogs, because the word 'dog' reminds me of a nickname used by a friend years ago in the online game Tibia, and it makes me feel "kept" or "Locked" in the past. Like i'm forever the chubby-14 years old kid I was. So, every single time I see a dog on the street, I feel bad and anxious. I know it makes no sense at all, but these feelings and thoughts are uncontrollable. My mind have his own life/control. That's just one example. Now imagine 100 things like that.
There's also a new worry bothering me. Sexual. Forgive-me about the "+18 things" I will say now.
I'm straight and I've always been straight. I understand the concept of HOCD and I had it years ago. Gay thoughts that used to made me sick, because I only like the woman body. But, a few weeks from now, I started to think about penis.. the penis form, and penis being sucked.
On the first days, these thoughts made me sick. With the days passing by, And the thought never stopping, I started to not feel disgusting anymore. Now, half of my mind seems to even enjoy the penis. It's like 50% of my head still are the person I always was until 21 years old, and 50% became a penis-fan and enjoys licking penises. And even thinks that the penis is beautiful.
Now i can't watch a ***** video without my attention being in the penis... my attention went FROM the girl lips/tongue/mouth, TO the penis.
I don't recognize me anymore, and the fact I'm not sick of it anymore, makes me very depressed, with suicidal thoughts, because I don't like to start enjoying penis all the sudden, and it goes against the HOCD, where the person DON'T like the thoughts... I'm afraid i have turned into a straight guy who also likes penis. 50% of my head tells me that. sometimes 60%. Is it possible? Or the GAD plus HOCD can make me feel like enjoying things I don't really enjoy...?
I also don't feel the same strong attraction i felt for boobies. Since this penis thing started, I look to boobies and feel 10% of what i felt before. Plus Anxious. Is like my head transformed me into a straight girl (???) who likes penises and don't like woman. Help me!
Well.. That's it.. You can imagine it's being pretty hard to live with these things.. the "obsessed with everything" and the penis thing... I feel like i'm living my life just waiting to die now... I will never be myself again... The 100% peaceful and straight that I've always been.
P.S: I don't have, never had, and never will have, any problems with homossexuals. I just don't like being one myself. I never was. It's not for me. Even though right now i don't even know what i am anymore.