I posted the other day about my usual pap smear fears - well my psych thought I should go ahead and go to the dr. for my annual. I did - and after I talked to her about how I'd had this brown spotting off and on for years, she said "what if we do a biopsy?" and before I knew it, I'd signed the papers and it was done.
It was extremely uncomfortable.
And now I'm scared shitless of what the results will be. I've gone through this so many times...and I become convinced that at some point, I will be right....that I WILL be sick. I'm second guessing every twinge, spot, cramp I've had in recent years. Could that have been c-word? I'm fast forwarding to how I will tell people ... how I will deal with this all...
I was doing so ok yesterday - just being mindful and staying in the now. But at about 5:30 this morning, I lost it. Weeping uncontrollably. My girlfriend held me while I shook. I cleaned myself up and got to work...but I have no idea how I'm going to remain focused. The only good thing I can think of is that I will have results Sunday - Tuesday at the latest. So there won't be weeks of this.
I'm so scared. Biopsy...that is a scary word. I keep Googling...I'm shaking...I don't know what to do. I never expected to go in with one set of fears and come out with another.