Well it's that time of year again: Time for me to become convinced again that I am dying of cervical c-word. This started in 2012 and it hasn't let up since.
I could get into all of the details of my alleged symptoms, etc. but at some point, that just becomes reassurance-seeking. The pertinent details are that I have never had an abnormal pap smear and I've been getting tested both for evidence of c-word (pap) AND for the disease that causes cervical c-word since Jan. 2012. I've had four tests during that time for which I got results; I went for two others but told them not to do a pap during both. I did have HPV in Jan. 2012, and that really started this cycle.
This has taken over my entire life. Today was around the one-year mark since the last round of tests and I started panicking. I stepped outside my office and began crying, sweating, breathing heavily. I feel like I absolutely have to run get tested TODAY so that I can know for sure that I'm ok. Or at least ok for the next 12 months.
I'm seeing an ERP therapist weekly; I called her and we moved my appt from Thursday to today. She has wanted me to hold off on testing for a few months; this would expose me to the perceived threat, without putting me in some super serious risk.
But I'm not doing well. I've been consulting Dr. Google all day. Can't work. Crying. Feel like I want to die. If I have to live like this, why go on living????
I just need something today...I'm not sure what... something to make me feel like it's worth it to even be here