I'm going to start by saying upfront that this is unlikely to be a coherent well though out piece of prose and is much more likely to resemble an angry rant.
The other day I went shopping for cloths and discovered after I had purchased them that the pair of slacks I had bought had pockets to small to be of any use to me. This made me frustrated because I thought I had checked that the pairs of pants I looked at passed the pocket test so I'm confused as to how this pair got through.
Lately I have had lots of times when I would feel nervous and anxious and not know what was triggering it. Sometimes I will even go as far as to say or think "I Hate My Life" in my car on the way to work. I know what I really hate is my anxiety attacks but I'm having a difficult time dealing with being nervous and not knowing what is causing it. I figure that if I knew what was causing my anxiety I could work on it. I could figure out what I could do to deal with it. I could avoid the triggers that cause my anxiety attacks or if they were things that were important to me I could work to have them be less likely to trigger episodes. Anyways I'm shaky this morning, well this afternoon. I got back from lunch this way. It doesn't help that the anxiety zone chat-room is down or that yesterday I bought a pair of pants that didn't have pockets, but I don't think that is sufficient to explain why I'm feeling the way I am. Now I have gone from feeling nervous to just feeling numb. Maybe that was the lorazapam I took earlier. Maybe not, but even when I'm feeling numb I can still feel the stress and anxiety my mind is repressing. It just feels more like an echo of an anxiety attack rather than a full blown episode.
I know in order to get out of my episode I need to do something to distract myself but I feel as if I'm feeling too spacey to get anything done. This makes me feel like I'm a bad developer because my brain isn't always able to operate at full capacity. Every time I make a mistake or something doesn't go as planed I blame myself. I was the one who bought a pair of slacks without first checking pocket size. I was the one who made myself so dependent on the anxiety chat room that I panic when it goes down.