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Author Topic: Can't take this anymore.  (Read 373 times)

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Offline Goose14

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Can't take this anymore.
« on: March 20, 2014, 12:05:22 AM »
I just canít handle this anymore.  Last night I went out with my girlfriend for her friendís birthday party. I have been struggling with intrusive thoughts for years now, but I have never been diagnosed or had it treated.  I clearly had to much to drink, and my girlfriend left my house in tears claiming I sounded ďinsaneĒ and questioned whether or not I had schizophrenia  and  I was rambling on about conspiracies, or the government and basically sounding like a crazy person.  Today she told me I have to stop drinking, which I agree with (although I wouldnít mind just drinking a couple once in a while and not surpassing 4 or 5) and that she was worried about me. I feel very alone, Iím constantly seeing knifes as weapons, or imaging a noose coming out of nowhere and strangling me. Anything that upsets me or makes me question my sanity I will fixate on to the point that I canít do anything but feel horrible and try to reassure myself that I would never do any of these horrible things.  I told her I would get help, but I really donít want to take medication, and therapy costs minimum 100 dollars a session, which is ridiculous.  Honestly Itís ruining my life, Iím to embarrassed to tell my family about it, all I do is google symptoms and if Iím okay or not I just donít know what to do.  I canít afford treatment, I feel like Itíll never stop, and I just feel so alone. Does anyone have advice, I know I posted recently in this forum, but I just donít know what to do anymore.
Thanks,
Goose
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Offline Billiam

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Re: Can't take this anymore.
« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2014, 08:34:47 AM »
Hey sorry you feel like this! But from my short time with anxiety and other things I've learned a lot about it and myself!
1.) no more google!!! It will drive you insane. If you type headache it brings up brain tumor, if you type stomach pain it brings up stomach cancer! No matter what you type in it'll bring up the worst!
2.) If you were going skitzo you prob wouldn't be worried about it because you wouldn't know! But if you type you symptoms in google I am sure it'll say something about skitzo(don't google). If you have those thoughts it's highly unlikely that you'll act on them because your so afraid of them. When they come let them come try not to react to them for they are just thoughts. I know it sounds hard and trust me it is but with practice you can do it! Your brain will get bored with those thoughts and they will have less of an impact! Also call you doc and be honest with them and tell them what's going on, how you feel(be honest) and they will help! Hope you feel better soon!! And NO GOOGLE!
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Offline emilyeee

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Re: Can't take this anymore.
« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2014, 10:11:56 AM »
I agree, Google is definitely the enemy of anyone with any kind of anxiety disorder.

I have intrusive thoughts about schizophrenia and violence. It's horribly scary but you're not alone, there are lots of people out there dealing with the same thing.

I know in the state where I live there are local mental health authorities that offer low cost/free therapy and psychiatrist visits. You should check out 211.org, they have lists of places like that.

:)

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Offline Goose14

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Re: Can't take this anymore.
« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2014, 03:42:15 AM »
Thanks for the replies guys. I also forgot to mention, I get really anxious, almost to the point of panic feeling like i'm not alone in a room or that someone is behind me going to hurt me. It's honestly one of the most unsettling feelings when you live alone. Anyone input is SO appreciated.
Thanks
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Online tinam7

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Re: Can't take this anymore.
« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2014, 08:46:14 AM »
Yes,  do check to see what help might be available at low cost. Including low cost meds for short term.

Then try and learn about CBT in books (your library), online. Give exercise a try and also meditation. Can't praise meditation enough. You are well motivated to do the best for yourself. We can be our own worst enemy but also our own best friend. Just checked in Medications and Therapy section where there is a thread at the top (free workbooks, etc.) that might have some helpful materials for you. Hope this helps some.
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Offline Walnut

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Re: Can't take this anymore.
« Reply #5 on: April 06, 2014, 12:03:45 AM »
i hate to sound like a spammer but i would like to recommend a book that i have been using. its called
Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of Your OCD Paperback
by David A. Clark (Author), Christine Purdon (Author)
its like $15 on amazon.
the book is basically CBT and Exposure therapy. The book takes forever because they tell you from the beginning NOT to just read through it in a day or two. YOu actually need to follow the plan. At first its all about educating you about all the different forms of  OCD  and intrusive thoughts. Then you actually have work to do. LIke journaling and challenging your thoughts. It is one of the most informative books I have ever read on intrusive thoughts. I think you would find great relief in the book if you actually follow the plan which actually takes months. You have to remember that you dont get better from this overnight. It will take alot of effort. You are going to have to put yourself in situations that make you anxious and brings on the thoughts. Your brain will eventually "rewire" itself not to overreact to whatever situations may be causing this and you will learn to not react to the thoughts in fear which seems to be automatic. Dr. Jeffrey Schwartz MD wrote a book about neuroplasticity that is very good at proving how the brain can learn new pathways. Simply put, lets say you fear that you will use a knife to hurt someone so, you avoid being around knives. Avoidance is your compulsion. You are avoiding knives so that you dont feel the anxiety from the thoughts the same way someone who fears germs may wash his hands (compulsion)  to ease the obsession about germs.
You have to expose yourself to being around knives and people. Then write it down. Write down that you did not do what you feared you would do. Then keep doing it. Then after some time you will have proof written in a journal that you wont hurt people. It will become easier and easier. As you are doing this you are rewiring your brain. Your brain will eventually not go straight to anxious thinking. That pathway will be forgotten and a new pathway of calm will form.
Keep in mind that thoughts are NOT actions. Thoughts cannot make you do anything you dont want to do. What you are feeling is anxiety from a thought. If you were shizo or psychotic you wouldn't be afraid of these thoughts. A person who is psychotic may feel pleasure from thinking these thoughts. You arent deliberately thinking these thoughts. You just have a great imagination and an overactive anxious mind. Your mind is finding things that it sees as some sort of threat and then reacting in fear.
I have read many studies on intrusive thoughts and from what I have read most everyone has intrusive thoughts. Thoughts are something we cant  control. They come in and out of our mind 1,000's of times a day. A good trick to use is when you have an intrusive thought and you feel that "oh no!" feeling, do not try to suppress the thought, dont try to analyze it to try and figure what it means. Bring the thought back to your attention and play it again in your hand but give it a funny voice. LIke a cartoon character. Then you can laugh at the thought. The thing about intrusive thoughts is to change your reaction to the thoughts not to get rid of them because you cannot rid yourself of them because everyone has thoughts. Its just our reaction to them.
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I am horrible about forgetting which threads I have replied to. If you dont get a reply back from me feel free to message me.

My screen name used to be "Nutty" Ive been a member since 2008. I forgot what email I used back then so I cant login to my old name.

Online tinam7

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Re: Can't take this anymore.
« Reply #6 on: April 06, 2014, 09:12:32 AM »
Thank you for sharing these. Am aware of neuro-plasticity and have my hopes up for it. But, oh, it is an uphill trip. As is all of CBT. If the brain is wired a certain way, it is inclined to revert to the mean. So a new book, perhaps a new approach is very welcome.

There is also meditation which I try to utilize for any number of results, as well as varied exercise. We can never take any of it for granted.
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Offline Walnut

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Re: Can't take this anymore.
« Reply #7 on: April 06, 2014, 11:07:41 AM »
Thank you for sharing these. Am aware of neuro-plasticity and have my hopes up for it. But, oh, it is an uphill trip. As is all of CBT. If the brain is wired a certain way, it is inclined to revert to the mean. So a new book, perhaps a new approach is very welcome.

There is also meditation which I try to utilize for any number of results, as well as varied exercise. We can never take any of it for granted.
My mind often reverts back to its old ways. I kind of think maybe once I start to get better and doing normal things that I let my guard down instead of being vigilant. I believe I allow it to sneak back in slowly and dont even realize it.  Meditation is something I have tried but not with real effort as I thought it was a waste of time and Im impatient but, the other night while watching the Colbert Report. Colbert was doing what of his interviews with an author and the guy was talking about how meditation had helped him and the author put it simply like closing your eyes an focusing on your breathing and focus on where you feel your breath the most. He said if your mind starts to wander and it will just draw your focus back to the breathing. The author talked about how he lived in the past and the future and not in the present. Thats a big issue for me and all anxiety sufferers. Listening to the guy something just clicked and suddenly I really want to give meditation a real shot. Its  just gonna take alot of time and practice to master.
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I am horrible about forgetting which threads I have replied to. If you dont get a reply back from me feel free to message me.

My screen name used to be "Nutty" Ive been a member since 2008. I forgot what email I used back then so I cant login to my old name.

Online tinam7

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Re: Can't take this anymore.
« Reply #8 on: April 06, 2014, 12:31:22 PM »
Yes, the mind will revert. So with CBT we are never "done." It is an ongoing process, probably life long. Some days are better, others are worse. But we keep at it.

Meditation is the same. The results come in waves and over time. It's another adventure into learning and improving. Dan Harris, the news reporter, has a recent book about his problem in which he also writes about meditation. Have it on hold in the library. There are plenty books on meditation and plenty on YT. In addition, there is yoga and tai chi. Takes effort and work but so worth it.
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