I just canít handle this anymore. Last night I went out with my girlfriend for her friendís birthday party. I have been struggling with intrusive thoughts for years now, but I have never been diagnosed or had it treated. I clearly had to much to drink, and my girlfriend left my house in tears claiming I sounded ďinsaneĒ and questioned whether or not I had schizophrenia and I was rambling on about conspiracies, or the government and basically sounding like a crazy person. Today she told me I have to stop drinking, which I agree with (although I wouldnít mind just drinking a couple once in a while and not surpassing 4 or 5) and that she was worried about me. I feel very alone, Iím constantly seeing knifes as weapons, or imaging a noose coming out of nowhere and strangling me. Anything that upsets me or makes me question my sanity I will fixate on to the point that I canít do anything but feel horrible and try to reassure myself that I would never do any of these horrible things. I told her I would get help, but I really donít want to take medication, and therapy costs minimum 100 dollars a session, which is ridiculous. Honestly Itís ruining my life, Iím to embarrassed to tell my family about it, all I do is google symptoms and if Iím okay or not I just donít know what to do. I canít afford treatment, I feel like Itíll never stop, and I just feel so alone. Does anyone have advice, I know I posted recently in this forum, but I just donít know what to do anymore.