I just want to say first of, that you are all amazing. I spent hours pouring over all the topics, stories, advice that you all provide for each other and it warmed my heart. As someone who is new to anxiety, it was so comforting to know that SOMEONE (a lot of someones!) get it, and understand what I am going through. That's what gave me the courage to reach out about this, actually...
I have been with the same guy for the past two years. We are both twenty. In my past, I have dated guys (all long-term, with few short-term r'ships) that have hurt me greatly, and my father had left me and my family at age 2, never to be seen/heard from again. I believe those experiences have caused anxiety in my life over a fear of being abandoned, ect. But the guy I've been with for the past two years is absolutely incredible. He is kind, smart, funny - he loves and protects me. He is everything a girl could want, and I know I am lucky to have him, as I know that he's crazy for me. I know I love him deep down, and couldn't picture my life without this guy. We are currently long distance during the week (Monday to Friday) as I am in university, 2 hours away from him. We see each other each weekend, and our time together is rather drama free. Our relationship was absolutely fine, perfect even, up until December, and I just can't understand.
I noticed that when my guy had to go away across the country for work in October 2013 (20 days at work, then fly home for 10 days) when he left, I was a mess. I was constantly crying, missing him, the whole nine yards. His first time home, it was wonderful. He went back, and it seemed like during his second rotation, I we argued a tiny bit more - but nothing serious. We'd always be laughing at how silly our argument was by the end of the conversation on the phone, and go to bed with lots of I Love You's and etc. He flew home on Dec. 3rd, after being laid off and was set to pick me up the next day at my university for Christmas break.
On Dec. 4, I was excited to see him. I was happy, in good spirits - but on our way back to my hometown, we got news that his best friend, and one of my close friends had killed himself at the age of 19. We were devastated to lose him, and our entire Christmas break was taken over with wakes, funerals and visiting with family and friends who were also in mourning. That's when I can last remember feeling any type of emotion at all.
It seems like now, I cannot feel the feelings I used to. I have no desire to be intimate (sexually) with him, nor do I feel the warm glow of love around him like I used to. I get anxious around him, and find myself constantly second guessing my feelings and our future - and it's so frustrating. I'll sometimes think of the future with him and get so anxious that it feels as if someone hit me in the chest, my heart beats fast and I feel sick, when before, that thought would leave a goofy grin on my face. He has been so understanding and kind, yet I can't help but feel so guilty. I just want someone to tell me what I'm feeling almost, so I can be fair to him. I've entertained the idea of breaking up, but I know nothing would be better without him and I'd regret it. It's even more frustrating that some days, it's like normal but then a single thought will come in and ruin it, and it snowballs from there. Ugh.
I talked with a councilor a few times, and she had said I showed a lot of signs of depression and anxiety. I was on antidepressants for a month and a half, but I found they made things worse and haven't tried them since. I was just curious if there was anyone out there who had advice for me on what to do, how to handle this, and how to save my relationship. I have been up front and honest with my guy, and he has been amazing about it and says he loves me no matter what and is there to stay as long as I need him, and I know I want him, I'm just so anxious to feel it that it's driving me insane.
Any advice, ideas, ect would be so appreciated! Thank you guys in advance for all your time/letting me vent