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Author Topic: Sometimes I wonder, why am I still here?  (Read 564 times)

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Offline CNikki

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Sometimes I wonder, why am I still here?
« on: March 18, 2014, 06:41:03 PM »
I feel like I was supposed to be dead for a while. This thought comes back every now and then and it gets me upset, because looking at what I'm doing (or there lack of), I don't know why I should bother to still exist.

It's not that I'm suicidal either. I have made attempts or have had serious thoughts on them but they started to suppress. Now it's just the thought on just being dead - nothing to really put action leading to my death... If that makes sense.

I've never felt normal even when I was growing up. Kept being told things will get better and that I'll move on and it was sort of left as that, seeing that kids and their emotional issues that often gets mistaken as angst goes ignored. Whether if the person(s) knew it or not as for the abnormalities and weird obsessions I've had didn't seem to make much of a difference anyway.

Now I'm just housebound, jobless and never had one, no college courses and really have nothing to wake up to. I've felt so cheated that I didn't see much of a future and now I'm just finding things hopeless as if I'm never going to get out of this pit. My parents don't really show much support and never gave me some direction to head to while leaving it up to so called professionals to think that I'm a retard anyway. I can't even stand waking up in this dump knowing I could do something about it but don't know what to do or where to go and feel guilty. Nothing anybody really tells me works, even if I try telling myself anything. I've been alone for some time and thought that it was best but harsh reality reminds me how unfit I truly am, which is sort of why I'm even thinking this way and how beneficial in the long run when looking at the bigger picture it really is if I were to die.

Why am I really putting this out there knowing that people are going to give responses? I don't know, I'm just tired of being forced to keep everything in while having to say nothing's wrong and being denied the obvious truths. As said I'm alone. If I could just change the things about me and the current situations I would in less than a heart beat. I only see more reasons to not live than to do so. No goal to aim to strive on the existence and just not doing anything about it because there's no point. I really don't know what to do and I'm tired of being this way.
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I'm too weak to live, I'm too weak to die.

Offline tinam7

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Re: Sometimes I wonder, why am I still here?
« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2014, 08:28:04 AM »
Any one of us can pose that eternal question. Why are we here? None of us knows. We didn't ask to be here.

But we find ourselves here and so create reasons. There is work, there is training, there is recreation, learning, thinking, hobbies, etc. There is caring for those around us. It's not easy, for sure. But you are tired of being this way and change can come. We feel for you. Can you speak to a therapist?
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Offline GenSec

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Re: Sometimes I wonder, why am I still here?
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2014, 11:13:23 AM »
Hi CNikki,

You sound like a very sensitive person. :winking0008:

In some way my circumstances are similar to yours... i was practically housebound due to depression rather than anxiety; i had no job (still don't have one at the moment actually, but i'm a carer so i can only work part time at the moment) and i had so little to get up for that i sometimes just lay in bed til after 1pm, sometimes getting myself upset. Like you, i seen no way out. I can empathise with how defeated and resigned you must be feeling right now.

Regardless of how lonely you must be feeling right now, you are not alone. There are others who understand how you feel because we've either been there or are still there. :happy0062: The key to improvement is to take things in small steps; rather than daunting yourself by the totality, just make little steps one at a time. You'll soon start feeling you're making progress. For instance i go out at least once a week even if its just for a gentle stroll. Today i did just that by choosing to walk to the post office. It breaks up my day, improves the oppressive feeling of depression in my mind. I've also started taking up hobbies i ditched for the last few years as i resigned myself to a pit of darkness, such as reading, coin collecting, etc. Encouraging yourself to pick up old interests, or find new ones, definitely helps. Starting with little goals like that, achievable and spirit-raising, do help believe me. They're the stepping stones to further progress and purpose in our lives.

This year i plan to start looking seriously for employment - i have been employed before in the past but this will be my first one since anxiety/depression struck me with the force it did a few years ago. From just the prospect of finding employment i already feel my self worth beginning to rise.

And maybe you are alone right now, with no friends or anything... but the amount of friends we have is no reflection on who we are our what we are worth. :grinning-smiley-003: There are people who have plenty of 'friends' who are feeling very alone right now. I used to have alot of friends once upon a time but they all disappeared when my anxiety and depression struck me down, except for one who proved his worth. And i feel a whole lot richer for knowing i have one true friend in the back rather than a batch of fair-weather friends. Anyway, there is always time to make new acquaintances and friend in life. We all need to realise that we have inherent self-worth regardless of what others think of us. From your erudite post here, i can tell you are no retard, CNikki.

And at the very least, you can write your feelings out here. A nice, anonymous, safe space for you to express yourself. :winking0008: If you wish, i'm sure people will take the time to read and respond. :wavey: This in itself, this post you've made, is a small step. It shows you want to reach out and you want to bring change into your life. You can do that, and i'm sure folks here will be happy to encourage you. Some people almost turn this sort of thing into a progress diary, then later they can look back and see just how far they've come, realising just how strong and capable they are and gaining even more confidence in themselves.

I hope that you find the support here that you're looking for.

Take care,
Gen.
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Offline tinam7

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Re: Sometimes I wonder, why am I still here?
« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2014, 05:10:54 PM »
There is a lot of very good information packed in here. CNikki, you are not alone and with baby steps you can lift yourself up. Self-worth is the key, not the philosophical matter I bring up. Not friends either, necessarily. Our self-worth comes from within.

Wonderful post, GS.
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Offline BrambleRamble93

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Re: Sometimes I wonder, why am I still here?
« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2014, 07:22:57 PM »
You are definitely not alone with what you're feeling.  I  wonder why I'm still alive all the time.  I feel guilty for it.  Thousands of people are dying everyday yet I survive it all and am still breathing on this earth.  What have I done to deserve life?

Making posts like you did or telling someone you know is important so kudos to you for posting.  We're here for you.
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If you put water into a cup it becomes the cup, if you put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle, if you put it into a teapot it becomes the teapot. Water can flow or it can crash.  Be water my friend.  - Bruce Lee

Offline CNikki

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Re: Sometimes I wonder, why am I still here?
« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2014, 12:51:38 AM »
Wow, just as I was about to give up on this post since I thought people would look over me with this crappy complaint/rant I see some nice responses.

And yes, I am pretty sensitive. It makes me embarrassed out of many other abnormal things I have with myself, when I should very well be over it. I've noticed lately I'm becoming a bit more childish than I usually am and it's not in a good way...

And yeah the problem I have is that I look at the bigger picture and look across gaps than to make progress and take baby steps. When I try baby steps I can only go so far until I look over at the gap that still remains and it makes me become so unmotivated, along with some other things that get me unmotivated. I should get around to make a list even if it's just upcoming everyday things I really need to get done.

I'm looking into going to this place that's a bit like talking to a therapist. I keep holding off on going since I need someone to come with me and I cannot go out alone these days. It's shameful but it's gotten that bad. Unless it's taking the dog around a block which I take 20+ minutes to get ready to take a five minute walk with the dog I just can't bring myself to go out alone anywhere. So the only person I really have to bring me out at this point is my mom and it makes people who we see think I'm still a minor or something just being out with my mom. :/

I am going to seek into volunteering at a place that involves feral cats and see if there's anything I can do to try having minimal contact with other people. That still doesn't change the fact that I need an actual job at least if I don't plan to go to college.

@BrambleRamble93 - I know exactly how you feel too. It also makes me ashamed to complain about the things that I do because I know there's many people who wake up to way worst of things than I ever have experienced. If I could trade my life for a kid who's dying from an illness or something then I would gladly do so because they have more of a chance to do something with themselves rather than to waste their life away with resources that could very well go to someone who needs it.

I know this post is just mixing different stuff together, but I'm pretty much just responding in a way I see fit for what I'm just needing to say in response to some people and share a bit about my own stuff. I didn't get to explain everything in my original post because at the time I've made this post I was just feeling so down that I needed to rant off somewhere. Thank you guys for taking your time to respond. :)
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I'm too weak to live, I'm too weak to die.

Offline GenSec

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Re: Sometimes I wonder, why am I still here?
« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2014, 09:22:59 AM »
Quote
So the only person I really have to bring me out at this point is my mom and it makes people who we see think I'm still a minor or something just being out with my mom. :/

There's nothing wrong with that if your mom being there helps you begin to take steps. :winking0008: When i first started university, like yourself i was unable to go anywhere outside alone. So i started seeing a university therapist. Once a week i went along and my mom would come with me. Over time the therapist set me tasks like walking to a certain place by myself, or sitting somewhere by myself and eating/drinking something. At the time it was nerve wracking i'll admit, but over time i made progress. What really did it for me was the time my therapist told me to sit on the bus alone by myself... i struggled with that for a while. Then when i did it, the spell was broken. Once i conquered that fear i could go anywhere by myself. I now travel most places by myself when i'm out. Last year i broke another barrier when i travelled on a plane to meet up with my ex... that was a major fear holding me back for years broken in less than an hour of flight! :laugh3: Its amazing what you'll find yourself doing for love... i wouldn't have got on that plane for anyone else i knew... :-*

Its thanks to my mom coming with me during that first stage that i made the progress i wanted to make. :happy0062: So don't hold back because of shyness or embarrassment!

Volunteering at a place which works with animals is a good idea. Anxious/shy/depressed people often work better with animals. I tried volunteering for a while as many people recommended it to me but i found that in my experience it didn't achieve much for me, neither socially nor career-wise. Sadly the volunteering i did in a few different places didn't live up to my hopes. So if volunteering doesn't live up to your hopes, don't get discouraged. :winking0008: If it doesn't work for you then there are other paths to progress though it may indeed work well for you as it has for many others!

Wishing you the best,
Gen.
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Offline JZK

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Re: Sometimes I wonder, why am I still here?
« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2014, 03:27:06 PM »
I would never *****, but I am truly tired of living.  I am here strictly for my husband and kids.  I can't even put into words how truly devoted, loving, caring, etc., my husband is.  I don't deserve my family.  Every day I get out of bed to be the best wife and mother I can.  People have no idea the anxiety and depression I suffer--they think I'm happy and friendly since I almost always have a big smile on my face.  I should win an Academy Award!  Truthfully, the constant worries of death and tragedy (not just my own), losing my hair, body dysmorphic issues, to name a few, exhaust me.  I'm so afraid that when I die, my mind will live forever with these thoughts.  That being said, I began seeing a therapist about a month ago, and I do look forward to those appointments.  I always leave with something to think about until the next session.  She's helping me live in the moment, and it has helped me deal with one big issue so far.  A good therapist can be your best friend. :happy0151:
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