Right, well, where do I start?
From my early teens I suffered from severe SAD but it has eventually got better, I have a job now & taking driving lessons. But I still struggle with my self confidence & self esteem.
I think my current anxiety problems have been building up a good 4 months, unbeknownst to me I've been severely anemic for some time which I think attributed to me feeling anxious about things in general. I also caught a number of viruses over last Autumn & Winter which I think just burned me out. I fainted at work in early Nov & from then on I kept suffering from severe tiredness & random bouts of nausea & lightheadedness.
5 weeks ago yesterday I had a really good day out with 2 friends from work but when I came home I started to feel nauseous & lightheaded which made me feel quite stressed. It all built up & I had a bad panic attack at 3am in the morning which I didn't even realise was a panic attack at the time as I haven't had one for a couple of years by this point. & It was very different from the one's I previously had.
That panic attack triggered all sorts of irrational thoughts & I was a panicky mess for a good 3 days afterwards. Because I had the panic attack at night I started to associate my home with feeling panicky, I HATED being at home, I felt so lonely, imprisoned & isolated. Which didn't help was that I was off that week from work (holiday) so I was spending pretty much every day at home.
One night I was on the internet looking at anxiety/depression stuff & I read "Suicidal thoughts" & BAM that triggered intense intrusive thoughts about t 'S' that made me even more of a mess for 2 more weeks. My mind was constantly trying to convince or even force me which made me so panicky & I had bad bouts of derealization & depersonalization. I had a fear of being so low that 'S' became an option so I think that made the thoughts even stronger. I've never felt so low in my life, it terrified me. No matter what I did the thoughts were there, I couldn't do anything without my mind throwing thoughts/words at me.
That intrusive thought has now calmed down & my mind has started obsessing over something else - The idea that I'm lonely. It doesn't help that I'm at home a lot as my association with my home coupled with the lonely intrusive thought causes me to get so panicky. I dread coming home from work.. I think it's Anticipatory Anxiety. The fear of the fear.
Now everything I do I associate with lonely type intrusive thoughts. I'm constantly over-thinking & over-analyzing everything around me. I had SAD for years & the fact I didn't have hardly any friends NEVER bothered me, I didn't really care to be honest. But for some reason my mind keeps going "OMG I HAVE NO FRIENDS!" & keeps reminding me just how lonely I am... When actually deep down I don't feel lonely at all. These lonely obsessive thoughts are making me feel so low & that then triggers the other intrusive thoughts about 'S'. Thoughts like "What's the point? No one cares, no one really knows you.." "Those people other there probably wouldn't care if you killed yourself" come into my head at random & completely freak me out.
I can't even scroll innocently through my social networking timeline looking at other people's lives (especially pictures, pictures of a group of friends) without the intrusive thoughts coming & that horrible hole in your stomach feeling.
But I do feel I am getting better, but for some reason when I am feeling genuinely okay, my mind starts freaking out over the fact I'm not anxious.. Like there's something wrong? Like I'm SUPPOSED to be anxious...
The lonely intrusive thoughts are quite broad - anything from having no friends to being actually lonely. My mind also went through a phase of obsessing about my future & whether I'd actually ever have a boyfriend... I can't even watch t.v without my intrusive thoughts growling at me. There seems to be so many triggers everywhere! I can't even distract myself with normal stuff or stuff I used to do before without my mind telling "You're just doing that to distract yourself!" ARGHHHHHHHHH.
I'm getting so annoyed with myself for having these thoughts, I just want to feel normal.
Any advice on how to deal with this? I am seeing a Therapist but unfortunately she's gone on leave for 5 weeks.