Alright. 3 weeks ago I had a horrible experience on pot. I hadn't smoked in a while, so my tolerance was very low, but I got higher than I ever had before and convinced myself I was going insane that night. My thoughts were going 200 mph and I kept seeing weird patterns on my ceiling and had these really weird thoughts that made no sense. Even worse, at night when I was trying to fall asleep I felt like I couldn't even control my thoughts and that I wasn't the only person in me, if that makes sense (I wasn't hearing voices though, and it was a feeling that only lasted that night, thank god). Since then, I've had a crippling fear of becoming schizophrenic that I cannot get my mind off of. My anxiety has been through the roof since. Now it seems like anything unfamiliar is somewhat frightening to me. Only Ativan seems to bring me back to baseline, and now my body is beginning to build up a tolerance for it (two weeks ago, one 1 mg pill was enough to bring me down - now I need two of them). The last thing I want is to get hooked on benzos, but not even meditation or exercise brings down this fear.
Ever since I've researched the symptoms of schizophrenia, I feel like I have them. When I'm really anxious, I'll get intrusive thoughts (I have OCD and have experienced health anxiety before) like "my dog is a hell hound" or "these people aren't real". I know they aren't true, but what scares me is the thought that at some point I may start to believe them. This fear has driven me to multiple panic attacks. Complicating matters even more is the feeling of derealization that I've had since that night. The Ativan helps with that, but the feeling of nothing seeming real makes my thoughts that much more potent. I don't know how to fight this. I wish I'd never gotten high that night. Please help. I'm terrified of going insane. This is destroying me. I'll never smoke again. I realize that the key to feeling normal again is to stop thinking and obsessing over this, but right now I'm just not sure how to do that.