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Author Topic: Feeling like I can't cope alone? Plus personal problems  (Read 203 times)

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Offline Constantfears

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Feeling like I can't cope alone? Plus personal problems
« on: March 13, 2014, 06:05:55 PM »
So I've been with my boyfriend 2 and a half years, we've lived together for one.
Recently we're always fighting and even talking about ending things. But when he mentions us breaking up my anxiety hits the roof and I feel unbelievably nauseous, shaky, weak, just horrible. I feel like we should end things as we can't seem to fix this any more but I just can't let him go because I fear being alone too much. One of the things causing a strain is that we aren't very intimate any more, (we are 20 and 21 so should be quite active 'd say) but I can't have intercourse without it causing me unbearable pain, this is probably an anxiety thing as it was not that was when we first got together, but this has now been a problem for over a year.
He also never wants marriage which will be a problem for me because I absolutely do, we try and ignore this at the moment as we are still young but I know he won't change his mind and it causes me huge problems.
Advice? :(
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Offline colorlessideas

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Re: Feeling like I can't cope alone? Plus personal problems
« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2014, 01:26:17 PM »
Well,
I am going to play devil's advocate. If you were a friend, a family member, someone I knew and liked, I would tell you you need to get out of there. The anxiety might be high initially, but I think you'll feel relieved that you no longer have to struggle with this relationship ON TOP OF your own health and well being. I was in a relationship for several years with the same thing: I wanted to eventually talk marriage and he didn't, but I kept saying "oh, one of us will change our mind." We didn't. And now I wonder all the experiences I missed out on because of trying to make that relationship work.

As for fearing being alone, if you aren't with someone who can be a source of comfort and support, it's already like being alone. And, to be brutally honest, it's selfish to stay with someone only because of fear.

Now, on the other hand, have you explained the extent of your anxiety to him? If so, does he understand and want to help? Have you talked to a doctor about the pain during sex? There might be something you could do. Maybe talking more with your boyfriend about the problems you're having would help better make the decision.

Only you know your relationship well enough to make the call, just stay strong, whatever you decide.
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Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.

Offline Constantfears

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Re: Feeling like I can't cope alone? Plus personal problems
« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2014, 04:33:06 PM »
I do feel like I want to make it work but I just don't know if we're too far past that now. He knows all about my anxiety and is actually horribly unsupportive of me through it all :/ I guess you're right about the being alone thing, I suppose I should really just bite the bullet and cut ties :( I did see a doctor about my problems, she just gave me some lubricant and sent me on my way :/ thank you for your reply, you've really given me some perspective :)
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Offline colorlessideas

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Re: Feeling like I can't cope alone? Plus personal problems
« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2014, 05:25:53 PM »
When my boyfriend gets really frustrated with me, I have to remind him that anxiety is a disease just like diabetes or lupus or whatever else. I didn't choose it, it's not my fault that I have it, and I'm trying my best to get the help I need. He can be a jerk about it, but he tries. I also know I'm not easy to live with sometimes, getting all worked up about the slightest things.

Quote
she just gave me some lubricant and sent me on my way

wow not cool. I hate when doctors don't take something like that seriously.
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Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.

Offline Constantfears

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Re: Feeling like I can't cope alone? Plus personal problems
« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2014, 08:20:54 AM »
He's never really 'got' it, he thinks I'm just over dramatic and mocks me for it :(
I know, she was really quite dismissive, I will definitely be going to see somebody else about it, he says he's not in it for that but any relationship requires intimacy so I do need to get past this!
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