I can't sleep. It is a special kind of hell I've been trapped in for years: weeks on end snatching 20 mins when I can, feverishly hoping that my dreams won't be horrifying enough to wake me drenched in sweat.
The sudden attacks of elephant-on-the-chest. Not for any reason mind you, just a sideways look on a bus from a complete stranger that can crush any shred of self worth you had lovingly gathered into yourself.
Shaking sometimes comes on suddenly. Tremors in my hands and muscle twitches over my body and my jaw locks like a vise.
No vice left to enjoy except endless cigarettes that make choke and nauseous but at least I can pretend the tears in my eye are from the smoke blowing back into my face.
I have dealt with this since puberty. Holding down jobs, forming relationships with this strong facade that crumbles at the merest breath. I had a panic attack in front of my boss today and I felt like a right twat even though I know that this a real thing for me. Sometimes the most real thing in my life.
I have been in therapy but it feels like it goes nowhere and I run out of money and I convince myself that only wussy babies pay strangers to talk about their feelings even though I know that is bullshit. The thoughts come unbidden, sometimes like I am watching myself from inside my mind and I can't stop the illogic. My mind has a mind of its own.
This year I had had enough. I am getting married and want to be better for my partner. He deserves the best of me even though he tells me he loves me. Not loves me anyway, or despite this but he accepts who I am. I just wish I could see that same value in myself.
I have tried two meds in the last few months for the first time. They have me seizures and now I'm terrified
I need support that the people in my life can't provide. Someone to recognise the sheer panic of this life. To commiserate, share and simply understand.
Thank you for letting me pour my soul out into this text box. I hope I have come to the right place.