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Author Topic: Losing Friends because of my anxiety  (Read 441 times)

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Offline Katie_

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Losing Friends because of my anxiety
« on: March 10, 2014, 06:03:26 PM »
For as long as I can remember I have always seemed to lose my friends because of my anxiety. I have no problem making friends because I kind of put on this mask and hide away my anxiety, but as soon as we start getting to know each other I just clam up, I never know what to say and end up sitting with them in an awkward silence. They usually stay friends with me throughout school or college out of kindness and once we leave they just seem to cut all the ties with me and I never hear from them again. It's depressing. I know it's my own fault, at the end of the day who wants to be friends with somebody you can't even have a conversation with?
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Losing Friends because of my anxiety
« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2014, 06:37:29 AM »
I think I could count my real friends on one finger. Once the number used to be way over the 50 mark. The more you let it worry you the more it will bring you down. I have always just accepted it. What you could do is maybe join a group of some sort. Of an interest. Something you like to do. That way you will be meeting people who are into the same things you are into. So you will have lots to talk about. As it stands you seem to fall short on knowing what to talk about. Rather than talk about something you think they might find boring, you say nothing at all. I am not saying what you would talk about is boring. But we can get the idea in our heads that it might bore other people. So we say nothing at all. There are others like you out there. You are far from alone on this one. The way I always used to look at things was that anything was better than nothing when it came to talking. Or else let them start the chat up and you just chip in every so often.
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Offline tinam7

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Re: Losing Friends because of my anxiety
« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2014, 07:26:56 AM »
You are probably lucky you lost those "friends."

Believe it or not your most important friend is yourself. It is your own self-assurance that will attract others, esp. when you share common interests. I always admire the silent ones, trying to emulate them.
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Offline Katie_

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Re: Losing Friends because of my anxiety
« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2014, 02:44:10 PM »
Thanks for your replies. I do think that the biggest problem is that I am afraid that I will bore them.
Most of the times when I am sitting with my friends and they are talking about something, I have things in my head I want to say but I just don't say them.

I agree that I am probably lucky I lost them, but I feel so lonely.

I know I have family and they will always be there, but sometimes I just need somebody outside of my family. Maybe I am just looking in the wrong places to find that 'true' friend.
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Offline Potatoes

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Re: Losing Friends because of my anxiety
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2014, 06:11:16 PM »
For as long as I can remember I have always seemed to lose my friends because of my anxiety. I have no problem making friends because I kind of put on this mask and hide away my anxiety, but as soon as we start getting to know each other I just clam up, I never know what to say and end up sitting with them in an awkward silence.

I have the same exact problem, this is what pressed me to seek a psych/therapy, because it became very overwhelming to me, It still is.... You probably notice that you're very social and click well off the bat with new people, but when, like you said, you get to know each other It takes a complete flip of the coin and you lock up, every little thing you do or say you may even overanalyze.... especially with the opposite gender. Makes you want to be proactive and hide yourself from them seeing the "real you" in a way I suppose.

They usually stay friends with me throughout school or college out of kindness and once we leave they just seem to cut all the ties with me and I never hear from them again. It's depressing. I know it's my own fault, at the end of the day who wants to be friends with somebody you can't even have a conversation with?

It is very common for one with this type of anxiety to look at themselves as the problem in a situation, but that isn't neccessarily all of the force.
Do you see yourself avoiding hanging out as much as you used to due to this anxiety you have about possibly making an awkward situation and this is what's causing the break apart?
I find it rather hard sometimes to bring myself to doing things that my friends like to do because I feel very "self-focused" Like in a way, self concious when in reality I don't need to be, I'm curious if you're the same way... maybe I'm alone on that one who knows.

at the end of the day who wants to be friends with somebody you can't even have a conversation with?

But look at it like this, If you struggle with having conversation with someone there is obviously some things that are causing this anxiety that THEY are giving off to you. It isn't all your doing. It might be in a way they do something or the way they speak to you that you don't really think about because you're in the mindset that it's all you.

You really have to ask yourself "If they're not willing to be friends with me under my conditions and my self-needs, do I really want to keep them that close of a friend?"

It's a way that you have to be assertive with, you've got to know the push and the pull. You have to find your self-needs and fullfill it to where it's a win-win situation. It they aren't willing to meet you half way on mostly everything (there are some circumstances of course), then that's on them, that isn't on you. if that makes sense. That doesn't mean to make it 100% all about you all of the time, but it will ease your anxiety and it will help you set better grounds if you set your boundaries, and allow THOSE people to be accustomed to YOUR personality. Because from the sounds of it you're doing what you can to become accustomed to THEIR personality. Find your median and set your boundaries.

I think you're coming off onto new people worry-free, because it's a clean slate, and that's fine. But I wouldn't slip into a state where you begin to mask how you really feel or it's sooner or later it's going to catch up to you, when you start to get to know someone, set limits you're comfortable with early on in the friendship/relationship, because soon you're going to be overwhelmed and that person who they think is you isn't going to be you... that's going to come off wrong. I know I rambled on but I hope this makes some sort of sense, it's only my opinion.
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Offline clippergoodwill

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Re: Losing Friends because of my anxiety
« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2014, 04:31:46 AM »
You never know when and where a true friend will come from. I've gained a few over the years - some from a local photography club, we go on photo shoots together and stay pretty close. I have one real good friend that I only became friends with in 2010, he needed parts for a car he was working on, and I had the parts and needed some stuff welded up. We got to be pretty good friends and he's one of the few I feel comfortable discussing my anxiety with.

Don't change who you are, be yourself and you'll naturally attract like minded people in your life.
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